i fail even when sunshine
puddles in my hands.
when did the calm little lake in my head
decide to storm?
im helpless;
just a mindful of sloshing emotion.
(bit by bit I will drown myself)
far too hesitant,
she won't rush into green
i'm never too sure where I should be.
wish i could coax my muscles to
relax their jaws,
massage away my distress
& release it to the sea.
(my grandma did 3 affirmations a day for nothing)
even her sweet advice upsets me
so i force my tongue to smile
but here i am, crying on my side of the phone
i can't help tears,
im just a disapoinment.
Author notes
Well, i failed my drivers test. I take things too seriously, oh my goodness.
A contest entry
- see not the flame, know the artist, and understand blood. (invite only) by apples fell.
400 points, ended September 25, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
50 point failure.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
-
Wonderful
"i fail even when sunshine
puddles in my hands."
You are depressing. AHAHAHA, I mean that as a compliment--when you can conceive emotions this well, it means you are talented...this is bleak, descriptive & uniquely written. 'puddles'<--makes me think of rain...a contrast to the aforementioned sunshine.
"when did the calm little lake in my head
decide to storm?"
Great question, great line, great writing.
"im helpless;"
I'm getting used to tons of poets lowercasing their 'i's in an E.E. CUMMINGS fashion...but not using apostrophes pisses me off.
I guess I'll have to deal.
"(bit by bit I will drown myself)"
I don't really think you need brackets here...but it seems to be your style.
I think you could use hyphens to make it==>bit-by-bit
"she won't rush into green"
Traffic lights...clever clever.
"wish i could coax my muscles to
relax their jaws,
massage away my distress
& release it to the sea."
WONDERFULLY-written stanza...massaging away distress...that's a good idea.
"& release it to the sea" is terribly unique for this context...WOW.
"(my grandma did 3 affirmations a day for nothing)
even her sweet advice upsets me
so i force my tongue to smile
but here i am, crying on my side of the phone"
Nice narrative & it feels genuine...
"sweet advice" can be annoying in its own way. Ditto with forced smiles.
'disapoinment.'==>disappointment
Spelling mistake...or typo.
Personally, like Mr. Newton himself said...I don't like those last 2 lines--I feel like it's stating the obvious again.
Pass next time
-
oh sweetcakes..
dont worrie you can always try again im sure its just nerves but my goodness you wrote a very compelling piece; esp that first line. you keep trying hunn
ily!
♥
-
-
=] thank you much bby<3333.
-
-
awww, honey.
sucky. that you didn't pass.
this flows really nicely thou.
-
-
=] thank you so so much for the comment.♥
-
-
loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeely. speechless.
-
-
<3 thank you so much
-
-
I think it would read fine without the last two lines, but that's just me...I'm sure to you personally they work quite beautifully.
"wish i could coax my muscles to
relax their jaws,
massage away my distress
& release it to the sea."
- A great stanza...It made me think of one of those paintings you see in a museum where all the watercolors are starting to change and take on other forms. Then your second stanza introduces the idea of drowning, which was certainly unique. When emotion sloshes, it becomes something else, especially inside each of our own minds. "(my grandma did 3 affirmations a day for nothing)" - I hear you there. My family is mostly christian And I, well, I am going straight to hell and proud of it. I perceived this as a religious statement and even if that was not intentional, I enjoyed where the idea took me. Don't tell me if I am wrong, in fact, just bear with most of my rambles as I often read things and try to interpret things in my own way. I read your authors notes and I really think you should leave that to the imagination...I caught the rushing into green imagery and I would rather see things on my own, then have you sum it up.
A great piece of writing though. Thanks so much for the entry.
;
-
-
=] thank you so much for your comment. I really wasn't sure about this but I knew i had to write it because i was SOOO discouraged i felt like a little pile of dirt.
I'm happy to know you liked it♥ & i loved how you read it.
Yeah sorry about spoiling the story in my authors notes but I always do it & yeah..i dunno why?
Thank you so much,
<333 ^-^ -
-
You are welcome. I'm sure someday you'll stop doing those authors notes, so I can be "wowed" without guided to a conclusion. I always read stuff the way I read stuff...That's just my way of working poetry out in my head...I know you do the same on mine, so..
;
-
-
-
fly away propeller head
look at your self from space
great write.
-
-
=] thanks for reading.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 12 of 12
