Don't bother with the suitcase,
it will be too much of a hassle.
Your keys are on top of the new drawers
you bought last month,
the ones you never set up properly.
The broken coffee mug that you love so much,
don't worry, I won't throw it away.
Your toothbrush sits in the blue cup,
and the towels are being dried.
I'll put away your sandals until next summer,
and your favorite tie will still be on the hanger.
Take the umbrella with you on your way out,
and don't forget the bus ticket.
Call me when the rain stops.
Author notes
c r i v a n e a
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Listen it has portentional.... but sorry no....but definatly enter another of your poems.
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'Call me when the rain stops. '
I really like this last line.
thanks so much for taking the time to enter my contest,
good luck. -
no
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Sorry no
Show not tell, I think it needs more emotion and imagery. -
A great melancholy little piece, with tons of feeling. Thanks for entering. BTW, "hassle" is misspelled.
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hmmmm. What's going on here? I'm dying to know more! Very mysterious write. I can appreciate that! Thanks for entering my contest. It's a pleasure to read your work!
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It's sad, through cute objects for description
I feel here you could've been answering what may remain everyday questions implied by your beloved. Then, you add a hint of heartache to grip a metaphor of how the relationship maybe has been pushed aside also. "it will be too much of a hassel" has a rolled eyes sensation. Really wanting to consider all aspects of love, but you know the tearful routine never getting any further ~ so you give a subtle emotion whether understood or not.
The imagery drew me in at verse five, like always leaving the opportunity to change topic and slow down from busy emptiness. Sigh, "The broken coffee mug that you love so much" portrays a tempted sarcasm, trying to guard your favorite cracked cup of love from being trashed.
I too notice you're focusing on little details, resembling loyalty to requested household utensils ... wondering how your heart can handle the imbalanced burden. Love how "Take the umbrella with you on your way out, and don't forget the bus ticket" shows honesty without sneaking a way that he has to stay nearby, but you hope him to.
You still want to think of an agreed calmer time with the last line, sweet,
Daisy -
This poem leaves the reader wanting for more in fact. This seems like a shard of a longer, more painful story - at least, that's what I think.
Thank you for entering the contest!
Leander -
It just leaves me wanting to know more of the story. I like the muted sense of affection to the whole piece.
Nice
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Short sweet and to the point. Very good job! Good luck in the contest!
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thank you for your entry
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awww i love it!
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This is exquisite. Loved it.
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You paint a great picture and hint at an intriguing story with the mundane objects of life--broken coffee mug, the sandals that will be kept until next summer--I wonder what happened with these two? A lovers' quarrel or some other sad circumstance that will cause them to part company until "the rain stops". I love it.
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