As we walked into the restaurant,
all heads turned to look at you.
You wore the peach dress, the one that always causes a stir.
I let you have the window seat.
Of course, you caught the eye of the waiter.
He immediately came over.
I ordered a salad.
You had a grilled cheese with fries.
Where do you put it?
As we ate, I kept trying to find things to talk about.
Your world is so different from mine.
We chatted about this and that.
We mostly talked about you.
As we talked, you laughed a little and cried a little.
The world is so fresh and new to you.
I try to see life through your eyes.
My eyes have seen so much more.
On the way home you asked me,
"Are you a grown up or are you a little girl?"
"I am a grown up but sometimes I am a little girl,
Just like you."
A contest entry
- w.h.a.t.e.v.e.r you want. impress me? by xxwhatsherfacexx.
450 points, ended September 18, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Portrait Poetry - Female by Polaja.
1400 points, ended December 19, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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Thank you for entering my contest with this poem
I like the wonderment that is evident in this - childhood is revered as the most amazing time in life, and this poem is a great example of that!
Keep writing
Polly
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The lost innocence of youth huh ? I find moments with those much younger help me reconnect with my own inner child, though I am a child at heart...
excellent piece, does indeed get the thought process moving
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i L.O.V,E this so much, like i really like how you come off kind of jealous of her, not because of her looks or anything but because of her being a child so young. i love it so much. I adore this.
thank you for sharing. -
well done
''see life through your eyes'' I like this line.
Good work.
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My inspiration was derived from many solitude hours in thought devoted to describing a recurring dream.The name Neurothetic came from the combination of two words Neurosis and Sardonic.Thank You for your feedback?
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Wow, this was beautiful! The ending was the best, I didn't see that coming until near the very end. This is such a beautiful poem. Great job.
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I like it
Well put good flow. Where did you eat? Good rhythm. -
This made me feel like I was overhearing the thoughts of the person sitting at a table near me at a cafe the way it reads is detatched, but I like that you have left it open for everyone to interpret differently
♦ M
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This was really touching, and such a good description of trying to connect with a child. A very good read!
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Lyrical
altho it does seem to be talking about Katy, i got a deep introspectiveness from this as well, also beautiful and emotional, very moving!
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Interesting mix...
I like it, though it's not my favourite type. Maybe a little work in the passion department. 8/10
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This poem reminded me of my two granddaughters. They are 14 years apart and act just as you described. One older and gone from home, the other missing her sister so much yet too young to understand why she's not there all the time. Wonderfully written and quite moving!
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crap! I actually didn't mean to click on this, however, to make sure your points are not wasted...
Hmmm... an interesting write. I didn't favor the double usage of little in the same line. The ending was very pretty. I wish you all the best!
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I still don't know who Katy is though, is she a friend? I thought that it was flowing along beautifully, right up until the last few lines, maybe because I was expecting to find out who Katy is? Nice verse though, an enjoyable read. Cheers Tws..
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Hm. That is very thought-provoking. I think most of us know someone like this, so we can all relate to what you're saying, and to the meaning behind what you're saying. I thought the window seat thing was a nice touch.
I like how you combined images with a metaphorical meaning.
Very good write.
-Dlvvanzor -
INTRESTING WRITE THE END CONFFUSED ME THOUGH
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Immediately relatable. I understood every underlying meaning of this little vignette. Thank you for sharing.
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Nice
I like how it starts and ends with travelling. I also like how you use the differences to show how sometimes, you're not quite sure where you are in life and how struggles are just a part of growing up.
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If you did not get it I need to re do it
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I found this very interesting and captivating in the tight lines, for the first 9 lines or so. It is a little too prosey, however, and could be improved by more tightening. For example, drop the repeated "as we" clauses and some of the extra unneeded pronouns (An an older woman, a young girl, right? got it.) Write on.
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Hello Lisapoet.
Your descriptions are done well, but there is a lack of emotional detail in this, which makes it read like an introduction, not a good or a bad thing, just an observation. This does of course leave the reader to create any emotions, fill in gaps for now, so that is good or bad depending on the reader.
Extrapolations from your write: the writer is a lot older than the other girl, due to the different types of food ordered, one health conscious, other not. This of course is verified later by ones eyes seeing so much more, and the question and answer. The writer reads like she would like very much to have innocent eyes again, thus an appreciation for what life is and has to offer, but she is also thankful for where she is at, even if this is not overly apparent; because with innocence comes naivety. The final exchange does suggest that the years have not brought a complete lack of wonderment at life's gifts.
I would say sort out the punctuation; that is of course a personal preference.
An interesting write. My regards.
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wow this one had me all the way up to the end...Great write herer poet!
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wished for some stanza breaks to make it easier to read
perhaps just "turned to look"? The description of her makes their focus apparent
"You always get the window seat"
wished for a better ending line than "Just like you". Interesting use of speech inside the poem, very unusual.
Great unique work here, nice work!
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I can definitely see the comparison theme here, but do I also detect a hint of envy? In particular, I'm referring to lines 5-9.
At any rate, I think you tell this story well, and the ending conveys the message beautifully.
Well done.
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I like this piece a lot. I think many can relate to this, where you are sitting with someone and yet are "somewhere else" in a place outside yourself, kind of watching the two of you and comparing lives, wondering if you'll ever have whatever it is that the other person has that you seem to be lacking.
Love the ending as well which kind of "brought you back" to me. Nice write!!
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I love it. It was different.
"Are you a grown up or are you a little girl?"
"I am a grown up but sometimes I am a little girl
Just like you."
All grown-up girls should stay little girls at heart.
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Like the narrative of this, i think it could be strengthened with some line breaks here and there but in all it kept me interested. Some could be explained with a little more metaphor rather than just the telling of the story. Hope you enjoy your time here. C
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Reminds me of mother/daughter lunches--myself and my mom. Something taken straight out of our lives. Lovely write and a refreshing take on things. Get tired of reading the dreary things, ya know? This left things on a hopeful note. Classy.
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To be honest, I did not expect that
I love the theme: it's cute and quite delightful
There are some punctuation marks you didn't place so some of them sound like an enjambment but the flow helped along for the reader to understand, anyway ^^
The simplicity is quite wonderful although, it'd be nice to add a bit more descriptions to really let the reader be in the persona's perception, you know what I mean?
All in all, not a bad write at all
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i liked this piece for its story based theme... kool stuff ..kep up the great work
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great writie... keep it up!
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You know, I really like this. I like the narrative quality. And this reminds me of the Suzanne Vega song "Tom's Diner". . One thing I wasn't too fancy on was the capping of the first letter of each line. I don't really think it does much for the poem; I'd only cap when necessary .
I like this, sounds like lunch with a daughter, or little sister. But, it also could be interpreted as lunch with an adult woman the narrator deems beautiful, but childish.. I like that, even though it's narrative, the reader is still left to their own interpretations .
-joan.
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I love suszane vega I listened to her 20+ years ago when she was tres uncool. I know all the words to her sad songs.
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She is probably my favorite singer.
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hmm this brings up so many responses and questions. It reminds me of the way I am with my little sister. There is a bit of jealousy in me with her figure for one thing. I however do not force myself to eat a salad in order to make up for it. haha.
I really enjoy how this is so simple, fresh and portrays a moment in your life, (does it?). I wonder which relationship of yours this reflects.
I like the ending. Sometimes I feel like a little girl still, well most of the time really.
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