Picture of a poet,
you're just a false hope
shut in a frame,
and if I was the same
I would do no living but mope
Strokes of sudden genius,
you're just a false prophet
an ego trip
and if I let it slip
I 'd spend time with friends less often
Girl of the notes
you're just a false hope
shut in a frame
and if I was the same
I would do no living, just choke
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Sorry I missed this the first time around-- I was off AP for a while.
I usually like to start off with a positive... but the fifth line made me groan. Especially the rhyme of mope/hope. Which is amusing, because I think its counterpart- the last line- is my favorite of the poem.
Kudos for the attempt of using a form poem, but when you do-- watch out... there'll be prudes like me counting syllables.
So:
6
5
4
6
8
6
6
4
6
8
4
5
4
6
8
...Any reason for the diversions from the pattern? The beginning of the first stanza "pops" more with the shorter line, I suppose...
Another line that I wasn't fond of was the "spend time with friends less often". It makes sense with the theme of the poem, but the diction is... not poetic.
I'm wondering about the subject matter... I can't tell if you're speaking of yourself, and some internal poetic ideal... or if it's a girl who's giving you trouble (you really need to find more agreeable significant others/crushes before this becomes an even larger precedent, lol), or if it's a girl poet! -gasp-! Though I suspect you're smart enough to know that poet/poet relationships never work. Look at what happened to poor Sylvia Plath.
.
That aside, I'm very glad to see you writing again. (Or at least posting again). But I think I agree with others who might have suggested that this is not your best work. Watch out for those easy rhymes.
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It's good to read something new from you
This one is really short and brief, but I think you're good at easily conveying what you want to say quickly, but with enough mystery that it intrigues me and makes me read it again to figure it out. I like the way you make use of rhyme, but not it a forced or overly used way. I like the way you reuse the first stanza, yet change parts of it, because I get the feeling that the last stanza is really what it's all about. I could be wrong but it seems like the first two stanzas are just building up to, and at the same time further expressing the last stanza. This was a good one, and I enjoyed it, keep it up.
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there better be more where that came from!
. . .definitely better be more where that came from.
i miss reading things that are actually worht my time
anyways
my frist impression. . . .is that i know you can do better, but obviously you haven't been up to writing too much. . .nothing saying that this isn't a decent piece, just that doesnt show off your usual talent.
i feel like it needs something. . some life. . .?
this another one of those saying alot with a few words ones, huh? (bear with me, i'm still feeling out of my element here. .haven't done this in forever
) it's interesting, but it doesn't grab you. you've already got alot of good stuff to work with. . .you just need to wake this one up a little bit and give it some life!
out of words. . .i'm going to stop now before i embarress myself here. .but don't you stop, keep it up, keep it up!
p.s. pwnage on the rhymes
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