Four years of sculpted
illusions smashed by the click
of a careless lens,
stain smeared shirt shows the
reality of what you
have fallen into.
Cradled wine rests softly
against the heart you lied was
mine alone, screams a
bitter truth I can’t
deny; my idol you is
human after all.
Author notes
This is a companion piece to my earlier poem 'Another Photograph' - it's based on the same image but much simpler. All comments and suggestions gratefully received and returned as ever. It's primarily dealing with the realisation that no one is perfect (nor ever can be) the stimulus is him being rather drunk during the day I suppose.
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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I enjoyed the way you wrote it, although I didn't quite get what you tried to convey, but that's never a bad thing, allows the reader to make up their own opinion.
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It was written over a year ago. Is he still human?
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This is very clever - I love how you've made the images roll in and out of each other.
Makes it require more careful reading but it's worth it! (Wish I could do that!)
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Powerful and visual...niiice!
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great.
no one is perfect. Food for thought. Good luck with ur writtings.
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How love can be real if someone is only accepted flawless!Now John upholds the sentiment above all.Greetings.
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Cleverly Crafted
Though you wrote this poem from the idea of a picture, there seem to be many more meanings behind it. My first impression was that a picture of an affair ruined a relationship.
Your diction is very precise, and the first line especially is very well tied together. the words "sculpted" and "smashed" fit together well, and the phrase "careless lens" explained much more than two words alone.
Good job on this one.
~Xan -
I truly love the last line, and "the heart you lied was mine alone" This poem surprised me wonderfully. It's short but says a whole lot, and gives a big picture of a scene. Very cool. I have no suggestions. Thanks for featuring
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having an idol is a slippery slope into a reality that is bound to falter and present real problems on down the line...excellent write here...you capture the mood of that sentiment very well...peace and light, kp
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I liked this...it's short, sweet and to the point...by your Author's notes i take it there's a longer one and i think i might go and take a look but i really like this...I really like the first stanza...how you can think so highly of someone and them show their true color..great write....thanks for commenting on mine and i hope you read more...keep on writing
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i loved this.
it is a poetic beauty.
your words remind me of bob dylan.
which is not a typo.
i really loved it and i will have to read the long version as well.
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This is a poem to be read slowly. I like the imagery of a camera shot smashing something. It is usually a lens that would be smashed, not that would be doing the smashing. This poem conjures up in my mind the image of a woman seeing the photographic proof of her husband's philandering. Is that close to the mark? I will have to read the other poem.
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Having read your work before, I had high expectations when I clicked on this... and I'm happy to report that I was not disappointed in the slightest.
The first stanza starts off simply, and slowly crescendos into an extremely-powerful climax at the end; I tried to pick a favourite line and failed, just because that entire second-stanza was off-the-wall! It screamed for my attention, and I'm looking very forward to reading the previous installment. I feel like I've invaded your mind on a very personal level, and I can't wait to read more!
Thank you once more for your lovely comment on my poem!
In love and light,
Laura
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Four years of sculpted
illusions smashed by the click
of a careless lens, ... that first look into the piece is amazing ... the whole piece is a little overwhelming and i have to go check out the other piece ...
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good work! i guess i should read another photograph as well. i especially enjoyed your closing stanza. wonderful piece! ps i can see this one being in a contest...
i just read your other one. That one was good too, but i like this simpler one the best. wonderfullness is what you're made of! i am jealous!
=D <3
pb fudge
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That's well crafted. I like th final line "you is human after all." Happy trails.
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I read this poem first, and then I went back and read the companion to it, as well. I definitely think that the simpler one is the better one. They're both well-written, but this one just seems more fluent to me, and each word is placed perfectly. Short poetry is really hard for me to write for some reason, but you just made it look easy! Great job.
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should it not be 'you are human after all'? Just wondering.
'against the heart you lied was mine alone.' doesn't flow to me. Though, I do understand what you where saying.
Besides that, the simplicity is sweet. -
Well done!
Paint a realistic picture. I like the thought behind it. Great job writing outside of the box! Interesting and captivating read. Thanks for the opportunity. Keep writing! Return the favor?
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Not all men are John Edwardses, but almost: and look at that case, you wonder how ignorant, or innocent the fool woman he jumped was. (LOL) It's bad, but how should we deal wit multipartnered personalities? Is it really a sign of non-love, or is it a different view? I say it can be both, or either or. Enjoyed the poems tiff of this all to common theme, and the way you did the wording by using "lied" instead of "said," etc.
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I think simpler is better. As ima put it, it's a much easier read this time around, and her suggestion of "softly" is spot on.
Really powerful write about shattered expectations. Well done!
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Read this one a couple of times. The theme is so sad, and this one is MUCH better understood than the last. I'm not even bothered by the paces you chose to put your line breaks. The only thing I would watch out for is that in your first stanza, you ended your thought (sentence) with a preposition. Read aloud, it didn't feel right. Try :stain smeared shirt, the shuttered reality of your life --- now.
I loved how you began your second stanza. try "softly". It rolls from the tongue much easier. That thought is such great imagery.
"my idol, you,
is human after all!"
Try that way and see if it makes a difference to you.
Love,
Linda
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funny thing...
we all are human flawed...
even those we put on pedestals
Interesting perspectives!
Keep penning on one stroke at a time!
Bill
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complex situation your in. great poem, I will go read
'Another Photograph'
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