laughter:
echoed breezes
seeking summer's shadow.
loving memories shatter - crash;
trying to hold onto whatever's there...
keeping a broken mirror and
hiding in my pocket;
never mended
laughter.
~~~
Author notes
words used: laughing, echo, breeze, seeking, shadow, loving, memory, shatter, trying, keeping, broken, mirror, hiding, mended. fourteen out of seventeen.
I'm not a huge fan of writing form poetry, but I decided to give this a shot. tell me what you think.
critical critiques please.
A contest entry
- Rictameter Word Bank by piccola.
900 points, ended August 17, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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interesting, flows well
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ooohhh, this is awesome, thats an intresting form.lol and i think you wrote it very well. i liked the poem alot, good luck in the contest and take care
Stephanie ♥
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never mended laughter ... nice line. It is so poetic. Good job with the rict too. Great use of the bank. thank you for entering.
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Well done daughter, your talent never ceaces to amaze me, you have created magic, Love dad
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I like the form, but I thought the poetry itself was a little cliché...All this love talk and that "whatever's there" line just didn't work for me. I love the end though, very much. Forms are so restrictive and hard to work with...but at least you've nailed it in that aspect, too bad parts of this really do fall short. If you do think of any changes please tell me, or simply tell me to fuck off...
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And you must keep in mind that this was a word bank... Very restricted by that.
ohhh, I don't think I'll change it... I'll just stick to my usual free verse. >.< -
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Yes, they are very restrictive...I know this.
You have some good parts in the piece though, especially that ending. Stick to what you know of course, but this proves you can step outside your comfort zone which is very nice to see.
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You did this really well! You may not like form, but this was good. The 'laughter' was so vivid in my mind.
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The Rictameter is a wonderful form and most seem choppy. This flows with a wonderful image. Well Done!
Love,
Amera♥
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