A little girl, called Judith who has golden hair and unborn fears,
Begs her mother for that which the Sun and the Moon cannot give,
Telling with a silent look and momentary stare, that she cannot wait to live,
And suddenly, gentle pure aware, the ghost of a dead God appears.
The smoke and the fog on the barren hills fade away to reveal,
The only clear place in this awkward mystery,
The people wearing masks of joy and happiness have come to heal,
While the dark and jealous crones lay beds of misery.
Their love is mere glass that by hand has the face of a jewel.
Their hope and thier waiting come to nothing as they tie Judith to the stake,
The flying vultures circle as they add more sticks to the fuel,
And her mother’s cries of anguish, leave none innocent in their wake.
Soon her mother smiles exquisitely, as they start,
The flight that lifts them high above this tragedy,
As love rips and tears like a knife into a dead heart.
In all the world there is no finer archery,
Than the disarming smile of the condemned in fear,
Who’s secret Love is whispering too soft for some to hear.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
Well,
What a grand entrance lass!
Commas are to emphasize and to pause where the writer thinks their should be one,
like right there,
It is up to the writers desecration and I find you put them all in the correct spot for effect.
The piece is articulate...
and for a first one ....
well you should be very proud.
I enjoyed it immensely.
No doubt you are a writer.
I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my work,
no gift is more prized then the giving of ones time.
Your comment is valued ten fold knowing what a fine writer you are.
My Irish grandma used to tell me....
Write something grand,
for you may be
entertaining Angels,
Unaware.
She was always so right.
hope to be seeing and reading more of your work.
In the mean time please,
help yourself to more of mine.
They are like my children,
and children love attention....lol
Blessings always lass,
Lowell Poe.
-
Good rhyming for a first poem. The differing line lengths(syllable counts) threw off the flow for me. I suggest you "trim the fat" so to speak and try to get them more in line with each other. Not bad though for an only poem, welcome to AP...Scott
-
Nicely done. Previous commenters have mentioned minor techinical errors. The poem is well done and full of raw emotion. The style is good and the rhyme is well executed. I am always happy to read a poem where someone has taken the time to write in rhyme. I hope to read more.
Mike
-
Oh, this is strong and harsh, love is sacrificed and the pain is exquisite.
Some attention to typos here would present this poem with all of its power. Well done. -
Welcome to AllPoetry
This poem has a theme that isn't often used in poetry and that is very interesting, although having unnecessary commas at the end of every line disrupts the flow. I don't feel the need for the word "dead" in the first stanza, as "ghost" means it's something dead, but perhaps you wanted to emphasize the idea. You have misspelled "their" in the second to last stanza and "whose" in the last line. Other than that, I find this piece both realistic and hopeful - finding love and hope in the worst of situations. You seem to have some nice skills to work it, so keep writing
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
