disappointment

there's disappointment in every pair of eyes i see
because there's no expectation that i can meet
it all happened so fast mistake after mistake
how many more do you think i can make?

first off, him.
i loved him so much
it feels like i should throw up my heart.
like i'm about to keel over and watch it fall out.
i'd go to the ends of the earth and back for him.
but he'd sit back on his broken-prince throne
and watch me take every wrong turn
i'm never good enough but i'll never learn.

second off, them.
screw up.
mess up.
i can't ever make them proud.
i'm not the puppet they wanted,
and i probably make them feel like failures
of a dying breed.

third off, preacher-man.
i've got the envy of a snake with green eyes
why can't i relax and take his advice?
but preacher-man doesn't hear his own voice.
fucking hypocrite.

they say third times a charm-
like the bracelet he gave-
but i hold even more promise than three.

back to that charming string of charms
he bought just for me.
i wish i could walk away.
there's really no reason to stay.
but i'm bound to him for a reason no one knows.
there's no sense to this anymore no matter how
deep
i search for an answer.

so here's the
killer
i guess you could say:

you'd think i could look in a mirror
and see less than all this
but if anything there's more.
disappointment.
anger.
complete and utter hatred.

i feel like choking on every word i say
because no one hears me anyway
i feel like breaking every mirror with my fist
oh god how did i ever end up like this?
but i look in that mirror and what do i see?
i see just how disappointed i am in me.

anorexia will catch me every time i fall
because i can never disappoint her if i try hard enough
she'll love me as much as i hate myself
the more hatred i find, the more love i'll receive
anorexia, thanks for saving me.