Even the sweltering heat of
a midnight bonfire cannot even
begin to tell of the desire.
the Passion.
Fruitful almost lies pour like
autumn smoke from your
could be cracked lips.
Call my name.
I would come even though I
know the viper's poison
that covers your insides.
Or maybe the outside?
You cry out words of truth but how
can I know for
sure that
they won't disappear in
the waking seconds of an
innocent dawn?
Words are like crisp summer air that
can disappear in mere moments without
any true meaning. Your words are
like night and day. Like
heaven and hell. As
sharp as a knife. Or
as sweet as a
kiss.
A contest entry
- vent it out 2! by Lsh-x.
300 points, ended August 29, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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I enjoyed this because it was very much like a monologue. It seems to be written not as a means of confrontation, but thought, and I think it's what makes this so powerful. Great job sweetie
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I like in the beginning of this piece how the three top stanzas are in three lines and than there is the one liner in between. It was powerful. The way the one liner words could carry their own was really great. It gave an eletric intensity to you're piece.
I thought the last stanaz of the piece didn't match the power of the beginning. Something is missing, that spark. Maybe with a different word choice. I don't know.
All in all, I still liked it and thought it was a marvelous piece.
xoxo
-
I love this poem. It explains the deceit of the person you describe quite nicely. I can feel the anger towards him. :] Great job.
"Fruitful almost lies pour like
autumn smoke from your
could be cracked lips."
I love this stanza. However, I think "almost lies" should either be hyphenated or should be "white lies". Or you can keep it that way. lol Doesn't matter. Just a suggestion ^_^
"Call my name.
I would come even though I
know the viper's poison
that covers your insides."
I like how you use a snake to describe the person, and also how you show your devotion to said person even though you know he/she is not good. :] Very tricky
Good luck in the contest ^_^ I loved your poem.
-Lily♥
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'Your words are
like night and day. Like
heaven and hell. As
sharp as a knife. Or
as sweet as a
kiss.'
Great way to express your feelings! I love it!
Good luck and well done x
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