“White panties and what we will call principles”
Your girlfriend took me to a movie and walked right past you when we happened to occupy the same coffee shop
We walked to my house without even saying goodbye to you
When she climbed through my window to get on the roof, I stared at her panties reflected in the mirror
And when she climbed back through that window to get back inside, I starred directly at them
You were waiting outside like some misogynistic cave man, ready to claim your territory
Did you wonder what we were doing inside for that hour?
If you pictured half of what I imagined doing to her, I wouldn’t of blamed you for kicking me while I lay on the ground puking bile and half digested bean burritos
In reality, I kind of wish you would of made more of an action, I wanted you to hit me right in my face
I would have stumbled back and fallen with the second hit
At least that way you would have looked like even more of an asshole and I could have passed it off on my good character
I wouldn’t have hit you back, I would later say, because I was a pacifist
Not because I’m scarred of physical confrontation, and not because I was so stoned I wouldn’t have known how to throw a punch if I wanted
A contest entry
- Bukowski/Ginsberg by Beata.
600 points, ended October 2, 2008, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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i think you really could piss somebody off with this write. congratulations on the bronze (i think you should have placed higher) i am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie
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"When she climbed through my window to get on the roof, I stared at her panties reflected in the mirror
And when she climbed back through that window to get back inside, I starred directly at them"
this statement sounds awkward. you can express the longing getting deeper than before by using other words that these.
also, what scheme were you going for? was there a pattern in it at all?
maybe if you stayed focused on one idea/subject the whole time with just side details to all the others, it would be better, but as it is now, it's a little hard to follow. It also feels like there should be more to it.
Good general outline though.
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Reads more...
...like a short story than anything else. I liked the bones of this and hoped for a further insight on either the girl or the fight, but not both in the same realm. Kinda left me trailing at the end hoping for a stronger ending/resolution. Maybe better received if structured more, not really your word useage, but more on a visual sense so it's easier to follow what's going on and where you want to take the reader..otherwise it's a good start! -
I think you need to work on formatting and spacing. The words here seem very erratically placed on the page, just sort of thrown on there in some strange design. I think it distracts from the meaning of the poem and the attention of the audience gets sucked into looking at how it looks on the page. Also, in the sentence "Not because I’m scarred of physical confrontation" 'scared' is misspelled. I think if you fix these things though, it would make for a very good read
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I've read this before and don't know why I never commented, it was captivating both times. Great job!
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This almost seems like two poems. The first about the girl and the second about the imagined fight with the boyfriend in there to tie them both together. I definitely see the connections to Bukowski and Ginsberg, but I think you could have worked this a little more to make it one whole piece.
Nice job of creating the mood and filling in some great Bukowski-like images. I've checked out a few pieces of your work and I like where you're going with your style. I'll add you as a favorite.
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Humor and Bean Burritos!
Well, I'll never see Taco Bell the same again... The visual has THX all over it. Many memories come rushing back. Thanks for the trip back a decade or so.
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I love your style of writing.
It's completely different from anything I've ever read!
You have a wry kind of humor here,
and it's almost like an apathetic response to the whole event.
The raw nature of your writing,
and the general honesty of it all
makes it a pleasure to read,
and refreshingly human.
Good write, methinks.
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this is good =D
i really like it! -
hahahaha!! This is hillarious! I love it!!! Just the whole tone of it is amazing! Great job, it kept my attention!
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hmmm
now where do I recognize this from?
hah, good luck in the contest -
hhmmm..
Makes a person wonder if it's worth getting stoned, huh? Either way, this write makes a person think, and even laugh. BTW, I think my hubby would like this, because he likes white panties also..lol..
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What is it about white panties that boys go gaga over?
Story like feel, graphic images at points, tempo speeds up and slows down throughout and it is just a captivating piece- leaving me wanting to know more about this experience you had. The details are just right.
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You didn't follow the rules.
I'm going to have to disqualify you.
Thank you for entering anyway.
♥
-Rainbow. -
WAHEYYYyyyyyy
marvellous stuff you fluffy cake!
this is great.. i love that the panties are the colour white.. says alot..
innocently, clean, clear, saint, virginal
you stoner. i love theflow like always - it's conversational and amazing
keep up this good stuff!
mwah xx
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oh you!
actually that girl is far from anything white symbolizes
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pacifist is a great way to get babes... no but really, these pieces of yours make me think and sometimes, like this one... i can imagine... only imagine... how this came about...
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