behind the old stone church
a mourning dove lies
dead
in the dark
agate of her eyes
sorrow still
shines -
even in death,
my lief, the unsung remains
the most inexpressible
letter
and the blackest
sound
Author notes
"my lief" = Afrikaans for "my beloved"
#4
In a list
A contest entry
- PIF Contest /Word Prompt by Rowan.
800 points, ended August 18, 2008, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 54 of 54
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hmm.. very interesting write. short and sweet and beautiful. i think you could expand on it a little more but thats just my opinion. thanks for the entry
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These must have been the words I was desperately looking for that night I had a huge fight with you-know-who, but expressed myself dreadfully wrong instead...
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wow very nice write i cant even think of enough words to say to describe how great this poem is very neat and interesting kept my attention w/o a prob... i loved ti...
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unsung
sometimes we do lose our voices
history eats them, chews them up, and spits them out
for the pigeons to feast on and get fat..
but if you think of it like that
those unsung voices can be heard in every 'coo' of a hungry pigeon
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beautifully said, Suzi... you do have a way to touch the nerve of a poem, but also touch across time and sand
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We weep for the dove, we weep for her, we weep for the one who never heard the song. Truly remarkable. Such vivid absence.
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I really enjoyed this ~ your words flow smoothly off the paper ~ congrats on your trophy ~ it was greatly deserved
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thank you very much
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Great
Gazelleke.
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Transcendent poetry. Geo
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your powerful pen can make the sorrow shine....
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This one still resonates with me, long after reading. I like where you went with the prompts hon, as painful as it is.
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Loss is loss in the the eyes of loss ...
and gain in the eyes of Ever gain. And again you wrote the gift of your pen.
I love your beautiful sad words. Somehow it touches the core of my own.
Ek is oppad kerk toe en neem nou hierdie woorde saam.
Myra
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Dankie, Myra....how beautifully you've said it, as always. En hoe wonderlik om te weet my woorde gaan saam met jou - en word gehoor verder as hierdie bladsy. Dankie
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very sad and my heart is silently weeping (i dont know why).
thanks our dearest nicolette.
HENSLEY
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Thank you, dear Hensly...yes, a silent weeping...
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Sad and beautiful, short and sorrowful. Good piece you have here.
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Another gold shines on your stage...
~Sonja~
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awww, poor thing V_V lol.
good poem ^^ -
I am a lover of pun...
If the dove is dead how doth it mourn?
I hope you have something more cheerful
for me to read now.
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Nicolette you have such a talent. I love reading your words. They truly speak from a soul that contains a knowing.
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- thank you, Trina
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so beautiful in its brevity and melancholy...what a beautiful write, Nicolette there si always a lack of luster in a dead man's eye... that is what is the saddest thing about it all.. you've expressed it perfectly
- Namita
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yes, it's the saddest thing... especially in the eyes of the living dead...
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Even with sadness you shine in beauty of words.
This has such a melancholic feel, yet sounds like a soft whisper.
Sooooo very good!
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the darkest part of death in the eyes of dead things for me ..is not the stillness, not the lack of movement but the complete and total absence of light. before that happens there is always some shred of hope, some small thing that speaks of possibility. death, real death takes that... the eyes quit reflecting .. dull, and slowly comes an acceptance ....a union perhaps between time and distance stretching off into forever.. and only then do I know I must walk away.
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oh so very lovely
the last lines are mourning-ly gorgeously sad and true.
k
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This is beautiful...I feel a silence, a heaviness, and yet there is still a softness to it.
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Boffo!
Tight, clean and true.
Good luck in the contest.
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...what words do not express, the heart in one's eyes will. When love is, it outlasts unthinkaby silent wings...and always pulls to the light.
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such a beautiful elegy....
al
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Nic . . . this piece has a deep sorrow running beneath the words . . . It is very different for you, however there are times when we are compelled to allow our more melancholy side to come forward and you have done it with a pen inked in blue hinted tones. I felt this one . . . and if you are to make changes, make them only slightly . . . You do not want to lose the emotive whisper it invokes in the reader . . .
love, Marc
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You've put your finger right where I intended the reader to put it. I did make a few changes earlier, but I think I'm done editing. Thank you for your gentle whispers, my friend
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I agree with mark here. Be careful of changes Nicolette, if you do. I don't want to see you lose the format or some of your poetic prowess by cutting something that gave it life. Thought I'd mention that, as I forgot earlier. -
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Thank you, James. When I posted the poem I wasn't satisfied with it but I've made a few slight changes already. Thank you for the thumbs up - it means a lot to me.
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Well I am glad through slight changes, that it is still so effective. It's good to edit, but it can be a destructive thing if taken too far. Glad you know when enough is enough. You're welcome.
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I think this is just wonderful. I am glad to see you expanding your poetic boundaries, usually I am familiar with a sense of love in your poetry or the hope of a time and its song...While this one felt much more dark, if that makes any sense at all. If I may say so, I think the poem itself is quite strong because it displays emotions in a way like flitting...When someone goes imagery wise in-between the now and then. I always find your voice your own and this is indeed, no exception. Just a really strong beginning to this one. Indeed.
;
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poignantly powerful...this little poem totally takes command of the page...well written...a hard reality of imagery to take in, esp. in relation to the feelings here of all things left unsung of humans, too.
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wonderfully expressed.
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It so reaches to what's going on around my head lately...
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a beautiful unsung song of loss.
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Heartbreaking...
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this is beautiful nic.. mournfully sad...
m
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Superb.
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Brilliant. You are wonderful.
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Hmph. I'm just not going to enter contests anymore. Everything you write is so poignant. I still think this can be tweaked because it doesn't flow as well as your other poetry. Love the idea of being unsung though, and the blackness of this poem. I have mixed emotions reading this - sad about the message it conveys, but also pleased to read some darker things from you.
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Yes, i'm not satisfied with this one yet... some things are hard to say. Thanks Allyce
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gorgeous as ever...
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thanks, Zayra - what happened to your entry???
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I had a typo and I could not fix it from my phone. I originally posted the poem from my phone.
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lolol i use my cellphone a lot too and i've posted comments from it, but never a poem!!
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i will come back later to see if you changed this, but what is here is most thoughtful and compelling...PK
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Damn how do you do this??? lol takes her entry and trudges off waving a white flag
Love, C
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