Bright
yellow tulips
M-e-l-d
with purple iris eyes.
A child’s laugh
[wrapped]
in precious peals
while silver songs dance
in moonlight at the window sill.
Gazing out
at her twilight world,
she waits.
Down the block,
he is moving towards her,
angry eyes and melody
slouching past the
vandalized walls in her mind.
A memory,
A dream.
An illusion of religious proportion
and yet,
she threads rosaries around fingers
of chipped bone
and bites worry stones
in his absence.
She knows he will find her.
And when the real and final
knocks at her ambivalence
and sinks into her epic,
Blood is forever ignited
in this sacrificed angel.
Author notes
CHAOS
X.X.X.
In a list
A contest entry
- Blow me away by LaLaLie.
1144 points, ended September 8, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Loki's Round Robin Invitational (Final) by Loki.
2000 points, ended February 18, 3 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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*jaw drops* You're a DP artist?!
I love your work, your style.... I am enamoured by your talent and creativity. --- !!!!
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Loved the structure of this and the imagery
'slouching past' really evocative
Good to be able to drop by and say Hi after so much has befalled and come my way .. sending much love my dear friend
your friend as ever Lib x x
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...slouching past the vandalized walls in her mind...
This was just one of those lines to me ...wild..
every line has that jab...an uneasy jab...if i was to venture to say what it was truly about ...
I would say that innocents will be disrupted.
pending mayhem......it could surly mean other things to other readers....
it was almost written in Hitchcock fashion with a steady crescendo.
Excellent.....and not at all surprised.....two years today i have been on this site and you are truly one of the best writers here....i am not a man to throw words around lass..
it is something I truly mean.
Peace my sister,
Lowell
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What does all of the indentions and symbols add because I cannot think of a reason other than to be different. It is still the same words. If you make every pargraph indented then the focus on single lines or words lose its affect. [] is okay as long as you do not over do it but could you try writing a poem that is simple in text. But hell you don't have to take my advice, people tell me to spell, correctly and I say screw them.
Maybe your way is the best way for you.
Now that was just a suggestion. Other than that, it was excellent and I see why you win a lot of trophies. I actually looked at several of your poems and they are all very impressive. I also noticed a quote from Joan of Ark which makes me sad because my last lover loved that book and quoted it and spoke of it all the time. Not your fault It is a classic. Anyways, I think you have some excellent work. Keep it up!
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this sent me into several diferent directions
and i liked the way you layed this poem out
awsome work
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Wow! just wow!
My Mind filled with lots of different images and the words flow so easily loved it this is a great poem congrats x
im going to read another keep writing x
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Stunning images in this, seriously. Its serene, dreamlike, while maintaining a balance with reality..A well anchored beauty. There's not much point in me telling you what I see in each line.. as it would be tedious to read..
..the word "ambivalence" brings back unusual memories, but that doesn't prevent me from loving this lol. I tried writing in a similar layout recently..
..This is so pungent, will read more.
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nice work brillant i loved it and i like your format keep it up....
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i could relate to a lot in here.
nice work
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Wow. You know, you've really done some beautiful lines here - I've never really liked um... Dirty Pretty - or whatever this form is called with the unneeded punctuation and such. But, I really love the beautiful lines you have... Well done, well done, poet!
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great potential
Hi Bean Sidne,
You have done a great job creating stiff phrases into lyrics. If you put a guitar to it, this poem would two-step all the way home (;
Here are some nit-picks & applauses:
"A child’s laugh/ [wrapped]/ in precious peals"
>>> I could almost feel this. You have mastered the art, here, in creating a piece that readers will want to digest, even if they don't know why. You make this well-versed poem (that a lot of writers don't have the skill to take on) look easy, very, very nice.
one nit-I feel the brackets are all for visual show because they are not necessary at all. I'm in no way against using them, but rarely, because they compliment a very particular sort of poem.
"Gazing out/ at her twilight world,/ she waits."
>>> No reason for 'at' It is 'at' out of place (: lol. 'Gazing out her twilight world...' smoother?
"Down the block, he is moving towards her, angry eyes and melody/ slouching past the..."
>>> Great rhythm. All three of these lines fit like a puzzle for word & resonance.
"She knows he will find her.// And when the real and final/ knocks at her ambivalence/ and sinks into her epic,"
>>> I love mystery & that little pinch in these last lines, But I feel that it's not only ok, it will avoid being tagged as 'abstract' to give a body to this 'he' monster that seems to do so much blood slashing in the end. At least suggest a metaphor or anything to improved clarity---this won't lessen, in any way, the poem at all.
"Blood is forever ignited/ in this sacrificed angel."
>>> This part feels very deep, which I'm sure was the intention, But, in my opinion, the illusiveness grows out of bounds because this dark/ fear/ man/ being has reason to feed off the beckoning vagueness of the last two lines. This is what I hold in my hands now: a woman's soga of hurt & abuse in some form or fashion & paranoia or paranoia for a relevant reason. This could be a third person's view of a schizophrenic character. Blood ignited is an extremely well done phrase to let the reader know this death will be remembered through the ages. Innocent blood. What this 'he' has to do with it I'm not too sure. He could have been the one to kill her, but the 'blood ignited' part makes me think or a modern day, X-rated Romeo & Juliet moment if 'he' was the one to kill her. This could be a f*** up version of Joan of Arc. I hope you can see what I'm talking about. Very good poem overall!
Still one of the most promising pieces I've read so far!
cheers,
christin
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A dream? A nightmare? A realization of life as we know it? This was an intriguing piece to me, as I felt as the child a time ago in my life, knowing that I was going to be consumed by the demons in life yet not wanting to cave in (rosairies around fingers of chipped bone)...if only real life could be as predicting! Great job, keep up the good work and many blessings to you.
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I liked this for the mosr part but you lost me somewhere near the end. I kind of got the feeling that you were trying to scare the readers but I don't know how well you succeeded. But what I liked I liked a lot.
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excellent
Bright
yellow tulips
M-e-l-d
with purple iris eyes.
A child’s laugh
[wrapped]
in precious peals
while silver songs dance
in moonlight at the window sill.
Gazing out
at her twilight world,
she waits.
loved this poem that opened so imperiously with above lines...You did acrry on the tempo further.thanks for sharing.Wonder if ypou would be willing to go over to my portfolio and offer some comments.
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Originally constructed and I liked the experimental nature of this. Very evocative and effective imagery throughout really help to paint a vivid and living picture in the head of the reader. The emotions expressed are also powerful and it seems to end very poignantly. Always good to read something original and different. Thanks for sharing.
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Re: Bright
This poem is ever slightly reminiscent of e.e.cummins -- but he used no capitalization (did he?) I like the poem and presentation -- it is well structured and hits you hard in reading it! I think your imagery is sort of mixed and subtle -- even though the overall mood of the poem is somewhat sad and conveys that sort of mood to me. Keep up the good work! I'll look back to you for more "experimental poetry!"
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First and foremost, the imagery in this blows me away. Yellow tulips melding with purple iris eyes bring the beauty of nature into play in the first stanza. Amazingly done.
I could see the moon beams dancing at your window. Loved the alliteration.
"angry eyes and melody
slouching past the
vandalized walls in her mind."
Angry eyes and melody, an odd thought to be combined but magnificent in the way you used it.
"she threads rosaries around fingers
of chipped bone
and bites worry stones
in his absence."
Ok, so I recognized the chip bone and had a clear mental image of the rosary wrapped around fingers, but the biting of the worry stone made it all disappear. I could think of nothing else but that image. Brilliant.
The last 5 lines are absolutely amazing. Sinking into her epic, becoming part of her life, before and after. Blood being ignited. knocking at ambivalence, and a sacrificed angel. The entire poem was as beautiful as fireworks on the fourth of July, but the ending was by far the greatest finale I have ever seen.
We all know that I am biased, but this one takes me on in a new way. This is amazing and so much more. I can honestly say that it is one of my new favorites. Mozilla yelled at me because I tried to bookmark it twice.
Perfect!
X.X.X.
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