she blew breezes against my fetal legs
and when i broke against her
she crackled! fireworks, wheezing smoke...
in the early months on sidewalk staircases
when i was untouched, naked, uncaring
glasses rolled in stubby bar room coughs
my lungs got old and a heart too young
to come across a rude vision
skirt like seas
tidal hot weather leaves that one debris
a secret grin in the floor
hands creeping...
i'd like to live in july
heavy hearts smacked against patio chairs
you carry them in water coolers
for your fourth of july beachfront parade
its been too long to be golden
blue dresses stuck to the amber sap
and i drip, i clap, i run in loops
because you took my voice
a caliber so low
only the earthworms can hear
only the earth still hears
Author notes
for "controlled puking" contest
A contest entry
- Controlled Vomiting: Can you puke beautifully? by onerios13.
1400 points, ended August 17, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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i'd like to live in july
heavy hearts smacked against patio chairs
I loved the imagery in this write, very well written. Each image is dual for me, invoking not only tactile sense but emotion as well. Very brilliant use of the language here.
s and best wishes always... ~Genie~
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i agree with jazzcat, your imagery is vivid, but i get lost on the premis the further i read, you have a way with words though, a musical way.
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Very interesting. I followed your concept through most of it, but a couple times I felt a little lost. I like this part best:
'its been too long to be golden
blue dresses stuck to the amber sap
and i drip, i clap, i run in loops
because you took my voice '
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There are some incredibly strong lines in this piece. The problem I'm having with this one is that some of the lines don't move into each other very smoothly. I'll go from one line to the next and have to stop and read it over it again because it doesn't make sense. Perhaps it's the lack of punctuation. I'm not sure. An example would be S2, lines 4-5. The grammar of it seems awkward.
The last two stanzas, though, are very strong example of what I'd like to see more of. Loved that. Thanks for entering -
Very creative with words here, strong, strange and beautiful at the same time
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