Unwelcome specter.
You had to remind me.
Staring at horizon’s sweep
it was but a prick,
a tiny vent of carmine.
Gawping at my sternum
it gaped a searing chasm,
plunging, abandoned to gestures.
As though saying so explained,
“when I sup vacuums
my thirst is never quenched".
So is unleashed a blood humid mist,
Smogging my lungs. Smothering ...
mills the salines that were
collapsed into gravity.
Compression hardened vesicles
buried by moment’s eons,
crimsons constringed to aubergines
because vision is hooded
by unforgiven stratums of hurt.
I walk, I plod.
Movement ... in lieu
of wizened acceptance.
Wet footprints shimmer
with oozed life until
evaporated to crystals,
ground to powder.
Dust is forgotten.
Quiescence of amnesia.
Author notes
Image credit: "In Bloody Outline" by Dirk Reschke
http://allpoetry.com/images/ext/Contest/2417/23.jpg?1218391260
Credit to Blue as well. Just for being here.
A contest entry
- SANG SONG....A Bloody Good Theme (adding to the Blood Chain) by Blue Rew.
1030 points, ended August 14, 2008, 3 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - see not the flame, know the artist, and understand blood. (invite only) by apples fell.
400 points, ended September 25, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Wet footprints shimmer
with oozed life until
evaporated to crystals,
ground to powder.
YEP. Blue's an awesome inspiration. I see why you won this lovely gold, and congrats on that. It's singing alright.
best wishes in your next endeavor.
Jin
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"Dust is forgotten."
How odd, and how very side turned my head is at these words.
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this one is kinda ... I don't know .... too much hurt ... or at least too much admitted to
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Dust won't tell on you.
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no, but those who know, see its powders
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to meld with filth, to die and rust...
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dust has no memory
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I always think that what is left behind is a lot more evoking, then what is already here. As a species we have a tendency to leave things in the dust that we should not have abandoned so soon, and it is how easily we forget the little parts of ourselves along the way, that sometimes haunts me at the least expected times. At least, that's how I read your piece and as usual, I enjoyed the intensity found in the comparisons to themes and ideas. I'm thinking the only part that struck me as strange was how you used some of the comma's at the beginning...Towards the end you step back off them and only use them for movement, but at the start, it feels like they constrict too much. It could be because I am reading it from a different tone as you, but regardless, that's how I felt. The last two lines are very good. Which sort of makes me realize time is a part of this existence, we might never learn to hold completely or even, understand. As usual, I read deeply when I find your work and what a better place to find this then in my contest, where I can read this several times and really get lost in the expression. Very unique and your voice is always so original.
Thank you so much for the entry and good luck.
;
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Friend James. What skill and largess you observe in reading and giving an author your impressions. Chariity in the sense you invest yourself in the reading, which what author's who share hope for, but rarely request.
"I'm thinking the only part that struck me as strange was how you used some of the comma's at the beginning"
You are more punctuation attentive and sensitive than I. I gave up two of the commas for you. But most of those when used are driven by intuitive grammatic rules. If they are busted then I will take a secret pleasure in breaking rules that don't matter, a little piece of rebellion with scarce consequence.
I also as you know, am in conflict in instruct the reader where there are pauses, and sometimes use commas, spaces or (oh no) the dreaded elipses. I still have no formula, and feel a little draconian in suggesting to a reader where pauses are, because the reader has his or her own voice. Where the betweens are, surface the rhythm, however.
Thank you for your absorption into the pieces. It is a gift of yours.
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Yes, I always try when I come to your work to leave something worth saying...Not just peanuts that you can feed to the elephant on your way out. I know most writers don't assume I will get so deeply involved, but I think if we didn't, there would be no point in reading the poetry we find on peoples pages. I am never one usually for "good poem, bye"...Unless of course I feel that is all that needs to be said, which is rare. On another note, I am more sensitive to sound and grammatical issues because I rarely use them in my own writing, so when I see them, I often hear them as I would write them, if I did...But I think that allows me to at least try and hear the piece in a consistent nature. I noticed that the dreaded ellipses is no longer making such a huge role in your writing and you have started to rely more on other ways to convey your messages and I am greatly happy to see how your writing is always evolving in other forms. You are very welcome. I enjoy our little poetic exchanges because it is so rare to connect on poetry with people relating to the same idea, but with different outlooks. Your poem is very strong and I enjoy how much you put into your work.
;
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yes you have taken my love for elipses into circumspection, and I am still griveing.
sometimes I think that alphabets need more of the kind of notation that written music has, glissando, allegro slurs etc. alas.
poetry is at least as much sound as meaning, and sometimes more.
but I do sincerely thank you for the effort you put into reading. I also know my work annoys the casual reader, frequently taking too much effort. Not because of great intelligence on my part but because of the labyrinths I weave to buffer the intensity of the experience being written about or to cloak the self from the bitter winds of exposure.
So thank you for your perseverance and patience. -
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LOL. Still grieving you say...
I agree that the alphabet does need to be thought about some more so those things you mention could have more of an effect on all who stumble upon it.
You are very welcome. I know you don't try to be who you are, it just falls into place easily for you, in some aspect.
Always a pleasure.
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"I know you don't try to be who you are..."
were that there were choices...
(elipse for you) ')
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Exquisite use of texture and colour to present
an intricate metaphor on what haunts long after
the physical remnants have disappeared.
"because vision is hooded
by unforgiven stratums of hurt"...
offers some explaination. One so deeply affected
by what has gone before can not fully release
themselves to the visceral possibilities of
healing. Blue
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"One so deeply affectedby what has gone before can not fully release themselves to the visceral possibilities of healing. "
daunting yes, but hopefully not impossible.
Thank you Blue for the reading, and the bling.
Blood is such a powerful biology, event, experience, metaphor and allegory ... I always am both compelled and repelled by it ... pulled like a magnet to its terrible power. Thank you for the prompt.
I think my favorite concept in the piece is:
“when I sup vacuums,
my thirst is never quenched"
although as the author it is probably unseemly for me to say so.
Thanks again
RW
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Very evocative use of metaphor and imagery throughout. This has some very powerful lines, particularly the final 'Dust is forgotten/peace of amnesia' - I really liked the way amnesia is used to suggest that sometimes it's a good thing not to remember, to possibly block out the past. good luck in your contest. Thanks for sharing a vivid and imaginative write, always good to read something so original. Cheers.
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Thank you for reading.
"I really liked the way amnesia is used to suggest that sometimes it's a good thing not to remember..."
trying to be more neutral than good or bad, but knowing that not knowing has some function. I have known relatives with Alzheimers. Vibrant intelligent people when in bloom. As hard as it was to see them otherwise, I was comforted that they did not know their differences, or if they did, they did not remember them long.
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Outstanding
Wow!!! This is powerful heady stuff. The metaphors are intricate and give the poem a lot of vitality. I thought this flowed very well and that you wrote with a lot of expression. The language was well-chosen and fitted the mood of the poem. I could not find much to fault. Best of luck in the contest.
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Thank you Roomwithout for stopping by. A new piece, that has already shifted in response to feedback.
The collaborative process makes this all more interactive and I appreciate your review.
RW
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Interesting, alarming and stark poem!
I think this poem is different -- not only in form, but in its statement, as well. There are very good images and tough emotion within this dark poetic statement. The emotions and feelings well out with some scariness to a few who would be afraid to brave your subject.
The title seems appropriate, but perhaps a bit subtle! The first and last lines are excellent and really faithfully wrap this poem in some despair!
There are some unwanted (?) spaces in your poem -- perhaps a better use of commas is called for here. Making the lines a little longer and smoothing out the rhythm and flow would really optimize this poem!
Good work and this poem really shows talent and sophistication in poetic presentation!
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Thank you PoetRandy. A quality critical review. It was pretty new and raw when posted, and I also felt that the spaces, intended as a to note to the reader to pause, were awkward in appearance. So I shifted that, subbing ellipses, although a friend here will go ballistic about them (if he sees them) because he is "ellipse sensitive" whatever that means.
I also appreciate your recommendation to make the lines longer, which I also thought it needed from the beginning.
The title seems appropriate, but perhaps a bit subtle!
Yes, I am a little wobbly always on titles, although never accused of subtlety.
"The first and last lines are excellent and really faithfully wrap this poem in some despair!"
Yikes. I do feel compelled to take a reader in a dark piece to some sort of resolution. Which I hoped that the end did, which is not to me dispair but a notion of the smoothing effect history, remembrances and time have on the intensity of events. Perhaps I did not get there.
Despair is easy. Resolution is difficult.
Excellent suggestions.
RW
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