Every time I try to picture you in my head
all that comes out is a mess of dark colors
& a stone where your heart should be.
It seems that you’ve already disappeared.
Charred by the fire in your voice
my eyesight becomes hazy from the smoke from your lips.
Cigarettes and coffee stained more than just your teeth
& now your heart is yellow.
You’ve never been more venomous.
Your skin is razor sharp, not smooth like it’s supposed to be
& every time I reach for you
you cut me hard
so I have to move back.
Washed up seashells void of sound carry remains of the past
& the ocean weeps for what once was.
I’m separated from you by a bridge of teardrops
& if I step down hard it’ll break and I’ll never reach you
You’re double sided, like a fun house mirror
& everything in front of you
looks way worse then it really is.
But you no longer shine
& I no longer look at you thinking that I’m worthless.
Your facade is slipping
& You’re going under, not me
It’s curtain call now
& you’re not getting an encore
you’ve had your shot so leave me alone.
The others may cheer for you
but they don’t know that you’re a fake.
I was once your puppet doll
that you controlled by pulling on my heartstrings.
But those days are over
I’m real
& I’ve escaped.
In a list
A contest entry
- Personal Best: contemporary poems. by Brit-Girl.
700 points, ended August 12, 2008, 38 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I think that you need to work on the flow in this piece, especially in the first stanza. Plus the & signs are not working for you. This could use some editing, and some of the lines were really cliche. Good luck in your other contests.
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Hello.
You have a good write here, but I do think it could do with editing, it is a little wordy at times. At times you are sharp and punchy, but as already touched upon, other times not so. There are some excellent image creating lines.
The writer has a strong negative reaction to the person she is writing about, reads like an abusive relationship, where one give all, and the other took all, as well as manipulation, etc, etc. But there is an understanding that the writer has also learned some valuable lessons in the process.
Overall as I said, a good write, could do with touching up.
My regards.
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Hmm, great imagery you got here and I pretty much like how you work out to make the cliche theme quite marvelous, you know?
I love most of the descriptions in here since they held such significance that can affect the persona to feel the melancholy inside her become worse every time he/she tries to feel that warmth once held by his/her lover
Although, I think these lines are unnecessary:
"The others may cheer for you
but they don’t know that you’re a fake."
I don't know but I find them, well, overrated? I may be a teenager but not those naive ones, mind you
(Okay, I just felt like mentioning that sentence 0.o)
The other lines have no problem with me since they make this piece lovely, all in all
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thanks a lot for the comment
i also feel like those lines are out of place and i tried to add more to kindof make it seem less awkward but i didnt kno what to write so i just left it haha
just thought i should explain haah.. hopefully you understand
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I like the imagery in this piece!
my favourite part was:
"I was once your puppet doll
that you controlled by pulling on my heartstrings.
But those days are over
I’m real
& I’ve escaped."
great final statement!
thank you for your entry,
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Charred by the fire in your voice
my eyesight becomes hazy from the smoke & venom from your lips.
Cigarettes and coffee stained more than just your teeth
& now your heart is yellow.
You’ve never been more venomous.
I love that stanza but you repeat venom very close together.
I'd suggest changing the second line to
"my eyesight becomes hazy from the smoke from your lips."
also love:
"But those days are over
I’m real
& I’ve escaped."
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
