There's a lack of color in your face, my dear
you look so startled, unsure, unclear
I rub my fingers on your face, your nose
your scent lingers upon my clothes
I suck it in.
Those rosy cheeks have turned to paste,
the love we had has gone to waste
I'm not sure just where and when
we lost it and where I would begin
is the beginning.
Once again let's run in sand
babe, oh babe, please hold my hand
and whisper things that make me smile
things that keep my heart racing for a while
Please.
Months ago is when you turned away
and your cheeks went from pink
to pale to blue to yellow
I saw you the other day and you did not say Hello
I cried.
The lack of color in your eyes
shows all over your face
I've taken it in step by step
It's hard, but myself I pace.
When you're alone, think of me
For it's all you'll ever know
The only reason I can see you now
is past love & its afterglow
let me know how my poem flows, rhymes and if it's all together a good piece. THANKS :D
Comments
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I liked it.
Overall I think the piece was put together well. I like how you broke up the rhyming with those one liners in between stanzas. Flow was pretty good throughout the poem, except lines 16-19 kinda threw me off a little. So if i were to work on anything in the poem thats what it would be.
I was going through comments on poems i had written years ago and saw that you posted on one of mine, so I'm returning the favor, even if it is like 4 years later. Better late then never right?
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the part where it talks about cheeks turning to pink, not saying hello?
yes. well even if that's not what you're talking about, i personally think those lines are off, too. I tried to fix it once or twice but could never get it right. i usually don't revise so perhaps that's why it sounds a little off.
i'll probably try to edit later.
but thanks
haha.. four years later. omigah.. that's hilarious
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indeed a heartwarming piece depicting the dreamy love o..you wrote it in a hopeful concept..tahnks for sharing it with me...
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