saturday morning
a cockatoo on the porch
shouts out its greeting
Jessica's version =>
saturday morning
a cockatoo on the porch
shouts its greeting
A contest entry
- Haiku and Bless You! by azure85.
4500 points, ended August 22, 2008, 57 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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saturday morning
a cockatoo on the porch
shouts its greeting
Good set of images, in the lull of Saturday morning this loud greeting to the day. Thank you so much!
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Dam cockatoo's... We used to have them outside our window... who needed a rooster?!?!?!
I quite like this
I hope the judge does too.
Good luck!
Claire x -
Those cockatoos are loud and shrill and I can hear its sound pierce the quiet, relaxing atmosphere on a weekend morning. The juxtaposition of images is subtle and nice.The articles are well-chosen because they give the language of the haiku a nice, smooth flow and there is a good, clean break in the syntax.
I like Jessica's version as it gives the image more impact.
Good luck in the contest,
Myron. -
I like the "out" personally.
Seems to flow nicer for me.
I would use the possesive form of "its"
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LMAO
I remember reading something about Sunday from you.
Or have I gone senile?
'cockatoo'<--nifty!
"shouts out its greeting"
I don't really like the 'out' here. "shouts" would be enough, wouldn't it? Although of course, you seem to have gone with the 5-7-5 thing, so eliminating 'out' would ruin your careful construction.
Cool poem & good luck
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