Nothing is as known, brightness should prevail,
but shadows brush the suns and moons ignite;
the power of mind rebels to no avail,
transparent windows twist the lines of sight,
dead children click their talons during flight:
as terror touches neck, dark light dissolves
and horrors pass as midnight’s door revolves
A contest entry
- Poetic Form: Rhyme Royal - Prompt - Dreams by Little Eagle.
700 points, ended August 23, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Thank you for your entry
Very scary, more a nightmare than a dream. Frightening for sure, dark and shadowy. Good imagery, creeps me out.
The form was followed fairly well, a couple of lines, the third and sixth line to be exact, were off the syllable count by one. Good rhyme scheme and over all flow
I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.
God Bless
Tammy -
Love the eerie aspect of this write...and the last line is perfection!
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excellent
Nothing is as known, brightness should prevail,
but shadows brush the suns and moons ignite;
the power of mind rebels to no avail,
transparent windows twist the lines of sight,
dead children click their talons during flight:
as terror touches neck, dark light dissolves
and horrors pass as midnight’s door revolves
I quote in full.A trite and concise write..short and sweet.You did a good job with this poem.Enjoyed reading it thoroughly.Please visit some of my poetry and offer comments. -
Wow that is some beautiful rhyming. Extra points from me, because I'd never be able to pull off something like that.
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Wow, as ever your work leaves me astounded by the dexterity and skill of your wordsmithery (which isn't a proper word but I like it) Impressive imagery and metaphor, this has a real air of the grave and an atmosphere of pure menace about it. 'dead children click their talons during flight' is such a frightening line, I'll probably have nightmares now! Great write as ever, well crafted, good luck in your contest.
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Re: Running, A dark Poem!
I do like this rather dark poem. It is filled with powerful images and statements! The poem shows a lot of insight and displays despair, frustration and sorrow. The emotions in it are expressed well and the rhyme scheme is very good and follows the chosen form. The rhymes are not forced, but are natural and instinctive, but powerful!
The title is good as are most of the poem's lines. I like shorter poetry and this one is very good. Can't suggest any improvements, here! Thanks for sharing!
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and horrors pass as midnight's door revolves.
This ia very dark. Excellent. ~Bramble
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Wow! I love the line "but shadows brush the suns and moons ignite;" the wording is so perfect and the contrast is great. I like the rest of the imagery, and the last line is once again stated perfectly. The title is wonderful too; I always love when a poem has a title that is meaningful in relation to it but not necessarily something obvious within the poem. Definitely adds nice meaning I don't know if it's just me but the flow, if not the meter, feel a little off in this one. Other than that it is spectacular. Nice work!
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Tweak
Thanks for your kind comments. I've tweaked it slightly and would appreciate your view...
Best, p -
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Love all of it, except perhaps the first line... I don't know why but it doesn't feel right. I think it's just that the rest of the poem is iambic, and in this first line it's, well I don't even know. I'm sorry if I'm just not getting it or wasting your time. It really is a wonderful poem and I'm certainly no expert on meter.
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First line
I see your point now. The first line was meant to make the reader stumble. The rhyme is right, the syllable count is right - but...
as you said, "it doesn't feel right". Just like a dream... lol
Thanks again for your thoughts - hope that clears it up.
Best, p -
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Oh, fantastic! If that was intentional, then it's perfect. I get it now, and as we can see from my ignorant comments it's obviously working in making at least this reader stumble. Sorry about that!
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