We are clay
lovingly pulled from
a moist pocket of earth
and made to stand
‘midst lush groves
mingling praise
with hushed choruses of starlight;
light whose strains
fall through space
like gossamer strands
stretching across symphonies of time
(O, I am silent before You)
Stricken
We are worm
whose place is dust
crawling upon that cursed substance
from which we came
eating filth as feast
gorging fat round-ribbed flesh
till caught in lethargy’s web
tightly wrapped in bands
of strangling sorrow;
dirges drowning out celestial song.
(I hear a change of meter)
We are caterpillar
climbing upward--
wounded Branch
instinct calls us now toward sky
yet still as worm we crawl.
Soon enough we weave
cocoon of each silken strand
we offer
and feel growing that
upward nature within,
whose wisdom is to court
rising wind and sun’s warm hands.
Till we at last
take fragile wing
upon the melodies
of creation’s song.
Author notes
This goes with the villanelle- http://allpoetry.com/poem/4495545
A contest entry
- POETS SURVIVOR- Round Five, B by Poets Survivor 3.
1000 points, ended August 25, 2008, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I must admit, I'm very impressed not only with your writing, but with your bravery for being willing to enter a rounds contest at all, let alone for succeeding in your efforts, Sweetie. 
Congratulations on your silver chalice, Brian. 
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Amazing!
Truly unique and beautiful. I can see the beauty of life as well as hardship and re-birth. This is one of the most original pieces I have had the pleasure to read in a long time. One word ....WOW!
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you are such a talented writer...this is stunning...I can really learn from you...wow...again and again...wow.
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Brilliant!
I see why this won Silver...Such beautiful metaphor, alliteration and imagery..
I love it
Lynda
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This beautiful poem expands the thoughts of the villanelle and, as this is your preferred genre, offers a more complete poem. I think the strength was the consistent worm metaphor, and I question whether the beginning stanzas, as lovely as they were, conflicted with the theme. Again you have demonstrated your talent for taking a spiritual theme and making it your own. Continued success and peace, Liz
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This is just flat out beautiful, I adored the first and last stanza's. Hell I loved them all. Your assonance is wonderful and the imagery is incredible. Glorious phrasing that pulls the emotion from the heart and engages the mind with the incredible depth of thought. Nothing here that I would change, it is perfect as it is. Great work hun, loved it
Hugs, Bunny
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Just gorgeous! There is so much depth in these lines, so much theology and truth. You show how man took perfection and totally ruined it and yet was able to escape, totally in spite of himself, his wickedness, his lethargy. Your images are incredible. The opening stanzas made me wanna wave a white hankie--just breath taking. Which intensified the debauchery of the next part. Stricken--what a powerful, one-word theological exposition.
The idea of the caterpillar is not so new, but how you used it here was so fresh. Loved the image of us crawling desperately up our one and only hope, the wounded Branch. Powerful symbolism.
The story of growth is great, so much more than a caterpillar. The assonance/consonance is SO skillfully used throughout. Internal rhyme is nice in spots, and some very clever, subtle sound pairs. Lovely.
This has even more meat than the villanelle and is an excellent accompaniment. -
Pretty.
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I am smiling. Your last stanza is so beautiful. A wonderful free verse and so elegantly worded. You have used subtle assonance and alliteration in this piece quite effectively.
I loved: fat round-ribbed flesh
You can just feel the intensity when you say it. Excellent use of poetic device in that line. Bravo!
I feel the message is much stronger in your free verse than the Villanelle, and I love the emotional quality in your free verse much better too. It is evident that you excel in this genre.
Your imagery is superb, but I have no doubt you already knew that as I can tell this is written with a practiced hand.
I very much enjoyed this version. Thank you. ~Pamela 
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Beautifully worded, entrancing, great imagery. Precious "wounded Branch." Loved "Soon enough we weave cocoon of each silken strand We Offer"--yes, a great sign of this change is the reaching out to others and away from inherent self-centeredness. Lovely "take fragile wing upon...creation's song." I really enjoyed this!
FREEVERSE
5/5 Understandability
5/5 Originality
4/5 Mirrors the story of the villanelle
5/5 Written as spoken language
2/5 Internal Rhyming used, and beneficially (soon/cocoon and lush/hush[ed])
5+/5 Assonance/Consonance, used and beneficially
5/5 Imagery used skillfully/beneficially
5/5 Emotion/Impact/General appeal
5/5 Line breaks done beneficially
5/5 Grammar and Punctuation
46/50 Total -
Stunning thoughts, imagery... I really loved "upward nature." Exquisite!
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"a moist pocket earth"
Wow, I love that! *takes the line*
'starlight' is a gorgeous word.
"cursed substance/from which we came"
I can't help but wonder if you could use the pretentious 'whence' was opposed to 'which'. It seems to fit the tone of this piece.
"eating filth as feast"
HAHA!! I love this, it makes me grin.
Clever line.
"upward nature within"
I love the word 'within', & "upward nature" could imply a lot of things...change, perhaps? Or the heart of nature?
Good luck
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