You knew by then there wasn't much left,
except wandering sterile halls--
amid blackened lungs;
Where time meant nothing--
fading into insipid yesterdays,
knitting needles complicating--
tomorrow's worried hands;
Age, flattened numbers--
held tightly against your heaving bosom,
as if engraved with loss's stone endearments.
Charred coughs loudly wheezed--
spitting hope upon white cloths,
yellowing expectation--
between porcelain veneered smiles.
But you walked, smiling anyway--
around gurneys with little slippered feet.
Blond hair capturing sunlight--
through slanted windows;
Waiting for those Sunday visits,
when youthful optimism raced up stairs,
where it was greeted with nothing--
but grown-up lies.
Did you know I hated you then?
For no comfort could be given--
amidst such blatant denials,
preparation never kissed any lips.
Now conversations interminably hang--
like unfinished tapestries;
Threads slipping through fingers--
leaving me grasping at each moment's meaning...
Author notes
"POW Contest"
Theme - Sunday visits to the Sanitarium where all the Tuberculosis (Black lung) patients were cared for. My Grandmother was one of them, although right up until the end she never acknowledged death and thus I was unprepared in all my youthful naiveté. All our visits were spent making small talk and knitting, talking about a future that deep down she knew didn't exist.
In a list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended August 11, 2008, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - BATTLE OF THE GOLDS THREE by Swan song.
2000 points, ended October 5, 2008, 47 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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My grandmother survived TB and worked in a sanitarioum it was a nighmare! Excellent Poem
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Congrats on the Gold!!
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Hello, I've seen no rules broken with this piece. You have presented this piece well and without consequence. The imagery is good, the depth is okay, but is there. There is a lot of thought involved with this piece. You have followed the rules. I found your punctuation right on key, with no errors, it's been awhile since I've seen dashes in a poem, but I remember them. This is a profoundly deep piece, and I feel a great impact from it. All the best to you in the contest.
Dawn08's scores:
Rules: 10
Grammar: 9.7
Puncuation: 10
Flow: 9.8
Vocabulary: 9.8
Thought: 9.7
Depth: 9.5
Imagery: 9.8
Impact: 9.6
Presentation: 10
Dawn08's Total: 97. -
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Justin....need to edit your score from 97.....to....97.9
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Hi Bunny ~
You knew by then.......who is you*?
Try not to begin with a pronoun, as we don't know who they are yet ~
*Where time meant nothing........take out *where*....not even needed ~
Ok.....as I have said to another Poet....be very careful with your Tone......we still want to see poetic beauty in your voice.....even with black lung disease ~
It can be done ~
Some Themes tend to lean toward the Story Tone and this is your chance to pen with beauty, no filler words....and be creative at the same time ~
This Theme is more Story than Creative as well......so it is sometimes difficult to say this to Writers without hurting their feelings.....especiallly when a personal topic is involved ~
....however, I have to state my opinion.....and this is ONLY my opinion ~
I find a great write, but you need to work on your Tone ~
Keep it poetically beautiful ~
ie....>>>**You knew by then there wasn't much left,
except wandering sterile halls--
amid blackened lungs; **>>>Blackened lung caressing sterile hallways, time halted ageless youth.
Do you see what I mean?
Ok....as trista has said....a very solid entry, but just watch your Tone and how you pen your thoughts....keep it poetic ~
:)
Good luck and God bless,
Bear ~
Title 9.9....definately love the Title -
Flow 9.75...meter was good....but same meter sometimes gets boring after the 2nd or 3rd Stanza/quatrain......thanks for the triolets :) -
Depth 9.5....depth is okay...but read along the lines of a story -
Theme 9.8...nice job..kept my attention -
Feelings 9.3..lacking....except when you say...Did you know I hated you -
Grammar 9.65....simple, yet affective -
Presentation 9.75...too many quatrains can become boring and common format -
Uncommonness 10....love your Theme...just keep it poetic -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.8...I did ponder, made me sad -
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell....and from the type of write, you did an excellent job with no filler words :) -
Bears Score: 97.45
Nice Bunny :)
No editing after a Judge has touched your work ~
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Well Bear I am glad you enjoyed it but will have to disagree with many aspects of your critique, lol. But as you stated everyone is entitled to their opinion, and each one is bound to be different. I think all personal poetry could be tarred with the story tone brush, but I do indeed find this poetic, and the use of a pronoun to start useful in bringing the reader into the piece immediately capturing their attention.
As for other aspects of the critique, they confuse me a little, when you are judging quatrains, versus triolets and saying that because you keep good form and meter it becomes boring. I find this very hard to understand considered poetry is so much about form and meter and your suggestion for the more flowery (poetic) version of my mine, well I am afraid I am not that kind of writer choosing not to be what I term flowery in favor of using rich metaphor and unique phrasing to convey imagery and emotion. I guess I am a big supporter of cultivating your own style and having that, no matter what rules you break, convey the beauty of the poetry inside you. Hugs, Bunny -
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Hi Bunny
I am glad you are not afraid to let me know how you feel about my reviews....let's me know I am cultivating my own style as well
I do hope you keep joining us...my crtiques are only one opinion...and besides...I love your work.....God bless,
Bear ~ -
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Now Bear I think you know me well enough from the pieces I write to know that I never fear expressing my thoughts in ink lol. I appreciate your opinion and all opinions I am given, even when I find I do not agree with them for the most part, I always take away small things or little nuances that help me to always improve my craft. Hugs, Bunny
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Hello and welcome to the POW contest.I have
not seen any rules broken.
This is a topic that I do not know much of and the
information that you provided was amazing
with excellent imagery throughout the poem.Life I am sure was very hard for all of these patients and the family Great topic you wrote about amazing impact and thought itis leaving me with.Goodluck in the contest
my score will apperar at the end of the contest much love. -
It's so good to see you back in the POW! And WOW, what a poem...There's a great deal of emotion and impact here, also a mix of imagery that very starkly paints a picture of what this life was like.
I liked your title because it instantly gave me a setting, so there was no question as I began reading as to where it was taking place.
I do agree with Neon about the use of the dashes. Although most of this comes through very clearly, I did question the word "preparation". Maybe I'm just slow catching on, but I kept wondering, "preparation of what?" The AN cleared it up, but I'd have liked to get that information in the poem itself. But again....that might have just been me.
There's really nothing more I can see to critique. It's a very solid entry with great imagery and impact. Thank you so much for sharing it with us in the POW, and hope to see you back again soon!
Good luck and best wishes,
~J.
My scores will be in the final notes of the contest.
Remember...no editing now until trophies have been handed out.
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Hi, and welcome to the POW!
This is very impactful! The best write I have read so far in this contest. Great use of imagery and a mix of joy and dread that keeps the reader spellbound.
I don't think you needed the '--' after 'sunlight', and I would rather see a period after 'windows', especially if you are going to start the next line with a capital. Same with the '--' after 'nothing'. More impactful without them.
A marvelous entry here. Great job overall.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember..no editing once a judge has commented! -
Nice to see you here
Strong entry, full of emotion, great wording and images. I'm not sure I would click on this title, though - it's a strong title, goes well for this write, just not something I think I, personally, would click on.
Wish I could say more, but there's not much I can critique on this - it's a well-done, strong entry, reads nicely, neat presentation and rules were followed. This will do well on my scoring.
** No editing once a judge has commented.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
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GULP!!!!!!!!! How heart wrenching is this.A really expressive write that explains how we are afraid to talk about death, therefore never facing the fact until it is too late.Well done, this is excellent, Ros
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This is marvelous. The black lung and hospital imagery throughout sort of shocks the reader and definitely seems to not fit with some of the other images like the knitting and the smiles and the youthful innocense of the little visitor. The artificialness, then, of this "I'm not dying" charade is felt by the reader and is experienced in tandum with the speaker--a wonderful technique.
The emotion here is so heavy, partly because of the wonderful imagery, also because of the phrasing. We want this now adult child to have her answers, to find her resolution. But we are left, as is the speaker only frustrated that it will never be. So excellently done!
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Such an amazing write. I love the cold dark imagery this has to it, blended with the memories it makes a good combination. A strong entry IMO, good luck
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Very indepth, and well expressed piece.
The message from your heart, with your poetic words come across crystal clear. A very good pen here sweet soul!
I'm sure your Grandmother wanted to spend as much time as she had left with you, without making it sad. Though we can never fight off harsh reality's, I'm pretty sure you know she wanted to make her last days special, and tried to be strong.
Thanks for sharing you, much love, and all the best within the contest my friend. It's been awhile, so good to read ya again. 
-Timothy xo
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Bernadette!!! How have you been?!
So, this is absolutely wonderful. I'm sure you know how much I love your work though. <3 Anyway, this is something that so many people can relate to...the image of the young child racing up the stairs, the parents standing downstairs talking or maybe shouting a little - the cold, dank weather...the imagery here is so haunting and thought provokingly disturbing. Charred coughs...wow! I wish I had thought of that! The form is intriguing - I thought at first you'd do something with 3-4-3-4, but you started strictly using quatrains, throwing the tercets away - an interesting decision I must say.
Anyway, profound job.
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"But you walked, smiling anyway--
around gurneys with little slippered feet.
Blond hair capturing sunlight--
through slanted windows;" Climax of the poem in my option, over all excelence! Good luck in the contest! -
nice write. I can feel the emotion. Good luck and God bless!
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