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disintegrate.

you crumble
like certain afternoon
sunsets,

escaping like a thief
to the door,
and you pause,

an ancient god,
once formed from
clay and bone.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • birch
    December 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    love, again.


  • zochit2me gold member
    August 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    you crumble
    like certain afternoon
    sunsets
    Great imagery here in this opening line...sets it up right off the bat.

    escaping like a thief,
    you pause
    This is how I want to read this...I feel the other parts are unnecessary and don't add anything to it.

    then I would add a line break and finish it off...
    not too sure about the store bought line either...I think it takes away from the effect of the poem as a whole. Here is me suggestion...

    an ancient god,
    once formed
    from clay and bone...just opinions and still a good write
    either way, it's is your poem, your call. Feel free to edit if you would like and IM me if you do so I can view again.

    ♥Becky♥