This latest image turns hesitantly within
my fingers as if you are newly born, not
thirty-eight. It’s just last week, four days
have died since your glare was captured,
a lifetime from what we knew - I find myself
wondering what you have become.
Your eyes are hard, smeared with contempt,
no smiles dance about the lines I have loved,
just black purple shadows to remind me of what was.
Your heavy, dirty hair smothers your shoulders,
an old man beard masks your thoughts and
still young face, leaves me almost broken
but defiant. I still don’t care about
your scars, or rediscovered habits, if your shirt
and pants are strangely stained, or you stand
too close to someone else who isn’t me.
The invisible camera freezes you forever
watching a future implode, casually shifting
my world on its axis and again
I wish I understood.
Author notes
This is a first draft - it was actually quite hard to write. Welcome all constructive comments and suggestions on how to improve it.
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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WOW
This one is great! The piece just kept hitting me with it's awesome words and images, conjuring up emotions. If I were to suggest something it would be to maybe look at the very last line..it just didn't fit for me for some reason, maybe beacuse I think the person does undersatnd?? I dont know...totally just me. I really like this.
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deep and full of your truth...I think you have done a fantastic job with this one...thank you for sharing. keep on writing...peace an dlight, kp
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i am stuck on which one is better.
i love the simple message the first one sends.
and the detail of this one.
i think i love them both.
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Great attention to detail here... I'm so glad I stopped by to read this, after having read the follow-up piece. The last stanza is, once again, exactly the emotional punch in a poem that really makes your reader stop and say 'DAMN, that's special'.
Very effective use of language here... Bravo, and all the best to you!
Laura
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You've exposed him with words. Well written, I love the last part "watching a future implode, casually shifting my world on its axis and again". It is amazing how an instant in time can change a lifetime.
Poesy
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Excellent
Intriguing, not quite sure what suggestions, if any, to make. Except, if you could accompany the poem with an appropriate photo, then it might be more easily understood. Overall, I think it is a good write. -
wow!!! The invisible camera freezes you forever
watching a future implode, casually shifting
my world on its axis ... that is powerful images you create ... this whole piece is beautiful in that real and raw way ... great piece!!!
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Like I said we've got to work together on something
As always it really works.
We could write a play. I just wrote a musical that is going up in December hopefully. Think about it. -
tough get
I feel it.
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sometimes in life experiences change one differently than what we knew... and in those changes they become strangers... yet we need to keep an open mind and not close that door of what we simply have.
yes youhave me abit thinking here!
Keep penning on one stroke at a time!
Bill
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whew. your words go together well.
i get the same feeling from both poems, but i can't describe it back to you.
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I understood the theme of your poem. I can see why this was so hard to write. I see that it is personal, and that is what makes it even harder.
Your title could have been stronger, as I just learned from entering a contest where the critiques were thorough and very tough. Perhaps "My Axis Shifts" would make a reader want to see what it means.
The first stanza is excellent, but written in a prose form. Rather:
Latest image turns in shaking hands
as reborn face belies your 38 years.
Four days have died (excellent imagery) since I captured your glare:
a life time from what we knew!
What has become of the man I loved?
(I found that less is better and creates a stronger image.)
"Old man beard" is a bit choppy. Why not "scraggly gray beard": I think this might be more poetic.
Last stanza needs a complete make-over. It also needs to be put in poetic form. "Cap" first word, as in other stanzas. There is a line break between stanza two and three, that should not exist. It makes it very hard to understand.
You are so close to what is happening to the person you love, that writing about it, becomes a mountain. With some editing and omiting of too many filler words, this piece will be one that should be featured, as you are suffering, and by purging your pain, and crying,it will help you get through this time. The man in your life must want to help himself. If you stick around, you are enabling him to continue this abuse. I feel your pain, and rue his agony.
I hope you didn't mind my suggestions, as this subject is very close to my heart. My brother-in-law, died of a heroin overdose when he was just 19. Ever want to talk, I am on and off but my email is linda.rose2@comcast.net
May God watch over you and your love.
May peace cover your soul.
KNow that you did not create the problem.
Keep writing this out.
I would LOVE to see an edited poem.
Linda
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excellent
your scars, or rediscovered habits, if your shirt
and pants are strangely stained, or you stand
too close to someone else who isn’t me.
The invisible camera freezes you forever
watching a future implode, casually shifting
my world on its axis and again
I wish I understood.
imagery was excellent.I only wished that you provided a little bit more of rhyming..unless you intended it to be free verse right away.Please accept mt greetings on a work ...that made terrific ocerall imepression.Please visit some of my poetry and offer comments.I am building an AP family.Wonder if you would be game to hop in?
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Wow, your right it is quite complex. I get the feeling your talking about still seeing the same young person in your partner as they get older. That they've changed on the outside but really, really they're the same. And if you compare photographs the only thing that does change are a person's eyes. Yes, they may become harder with the experiences of life, but they are still uniquely theirs. Great work, keep it up. :-)
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Yes this is the life and its images are so true by the words you have stated my friend..well done..and thanks for sharing it...
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Heavy, but quite good!
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My impression is that a moment captured in time of someone you loved deeply ,now that person and image is a stranger to you,just a face in a crowd,quite a sublime write much kudos
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I can see pain
Thank you for commenting on mypoem.
I can sense that this was painful to write because the subject chose something else rather than being cared for. The imagery is great and the flow was great. I don't think I could or would add anything or take anything from this. It is touching as it is.
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Oh, this is stunning. I honestly can't come up with any suggestions, aside from that the phrase "still young face" sounds a bit akward in its phrasing. Perhaps "face still young?"
The imagery here, and the way you tied in the camera is beautiful. I love the first stanza.
Best of luck in the contest!
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