butterflies of brown nature
dirty with the world around them
strung on a bright, blue, sky
i wore you around my neck
you were a gift [a present]
from someone with nothing
to their name
you hail from a country
of dirty floors
and gentle waterings
that only create mud
but you are the hope of a
gentle woman
wanting something more
for someone
four years have passed
and nothing of you remains
but a few select beads
that are rotting in their space
butterflies you kept me grounded
because you could fly away
to that gentle woman's smile
they say it matches mine
and now I no longer have you
you have caved to bright colors
and hues
i fear i may have too..
gentle woman
you, i know, are understanding
i miss you
and yearn to see you smile
i have done you wrong
made myself what you did not want
you are wanting to mend me
watering my roots
i see you
hose in hand
watering and sweeping the dirt
Author notes
im working on it but i think that this was a good start.
i want to make it better.
A contest entry
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600 points, ended August 9, 2008, 56 entries
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900 points, ended August 30, 2008, 25 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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This is a worthy piece to be proud of well done and great piece!!
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Great job. I think your aunt would be proud of you. The poem flows well all the way through. My favorite lines are:
you are wanting to mend me
watering my roots
i see you
hose in hand
watering and sweeping the dirt
It is a perfect way to end the poem.
Mike
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OH! WOW, Ink....This is beautiful, I'm so sorry about your aunt. And this poem is awesome, I love free verse, when it's done well, and this one is.
Love, Mummy xoxox
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thank you so much
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I can see why you are proud of this :]
I can't pick out my favorite parts because there are just too many.
Much love darling.
-Mary -
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thank you thank you!~~
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This is a very heartfelt and beautiful story...at first I did think it was about your mom but after reading your comments I realize it was about an aunt who really was kind of like a mom and best friend. It's also about remembering where you came from as this part says:
"you hail from a country
of dirty floors
and gentle waterings
that only create mud"
It's clear that even without the necklace she will be in your heart always!!
Thanks for entering
darlintlc
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This is deep.
Hmmm..
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yay
hahahah
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each stanza of this is awsoem but as a whole im not so sure. However it is a good start I think if maybe you just keep working on it this could become something wondeful! good job
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hahah
the explanation is in one of the comments below
hah
its not everything but
its the basic story
my anut and that necklace mean so much more to me, i could never make the poem reflet it.... -
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awwww shes sweet. That sucks that someone broke it...accidently I hope. I totaly understand sometimes no matter how good of a writer you are it is just impossible to express certin feelign on paper!
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it was more or less intentional...
yeah so you can see why this poem means a lot to me...
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im working on it
i like it now.
but as i have said there is always room for improvement
so thank you for telling me your honest opinion. -
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well I would def love to read it when you finish it so let me know. Also I have to ask who is this about?? cause for one reason or another it makes me think about moms and I just have to know LOL
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four years have passed
and nothing of you remains
but a few select beads
that are rotting in their space
---
i looooove that stanza its wonderful
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Aww!
butterflies you kept me grounded
because you could fly away
to that gentle woman's smile
they say it matches mine
I love this part because it's so beautiful. Simplicity definately controls this piece. Great job and good luck!
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very pretty..this is indeed something to be proud of..i looovee the metaphor of nature and watering plants, ect.
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When I read this.. I fell in love with it. You placed an image in my head, somewhat. Very strong visuals.
I really understand this one in all honesty.
You're a very talented writter.
Saint Tracey.
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Absolutely LOVED this poem =) I honestly can't even pick out my favorite lines, because I loved the whole freaking thing ! haha. You used incredible imagery, and I could picture some of your poem in my mind. Beautiful. Keep writinggg
♥
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Oh this is a lovely poem full of bright imagery and deep thoughts. Great metaphors expressed; I really like the 1st stanza
"butterflies of brown nature
dirty with the world around them
strung on a bright, blue, sky
i wore you around my neck"
--Beautiful write!
Best of luck & thanks for entering
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thank you !!!
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hmmm thanks for entering! jk.
hahaha i love it.
honestly i have no idea what its about,
and its not because you didnt make the point of it obvious cuz you probly did.. just i'm kinda slow
but i like it! poems that are mysterious are really awesome to me.
well im done ranting now. hahaha
but i definately love this
good job!!!!
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i had this necklace
that i wore for four years
i never took it off and one day it broke
[my best friend ripped it off my neck]
i loved it so much because my anut gave it to me
she is like my role model and i love her
it reminded me of where i came from
[from the poorest town of mexico]
so it was like really amazing to me that my anut gave me something when she should have bought soemthing for herself
with the little money she had.
k
i think i ranted long enough
there is more but i think that is enough to understand it
hahaha -
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ohhhh i see well thats sucky that it broke very beautiful poem about it tho
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nice write!
"you are wanting to mend me
watering my roots
i see you
hose in hand
watering and sweeping the dirt"
I really like that paragraph. However, the poem could use more punctuation to help it flow better.
This is a very deep, rich, poem from a very talented writer!
Thank you for sharing this in my contest! -
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thank you!
im going to use this feed back to make it better
so thank you for telling me what needs to be fixed.
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I like the thought in this, the 'i wore you around my neck' metaphor is quite endearing. this could use some work though
suggestions for improvement:
"strung on a bright, blue, sky"
the first stanza felt weak and a tad cliche until the fourth line and then the thoughts picked up. the adjectives chosen are not terribly thought provoking and take away from the meaning of your poem. perhaps consider a few more interesting synonyms
also the punctuation was nearly non-existent and that hampered the flow. try reading it through and punctuate according to when you breathe naturally.
thank you for your entry, and keep working on this!
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thank you for the amazing feedback
i feel that i can make it better with these comments.
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"i wore you around my neck"
i like the imagery.
this was amazing;
"you hail from a country
of dirty floors
and gentle waterings
that only create mud.."
LOVED it.
.."butterflies you kept me grounded
because you could fly away
to that gentle woman's smile
they say it matches mine.."
that metaphor is probably
normally ignored, but it's deep
and I believe I caught it.
you are wanting to mend me
watering my roots
i see you
hose in hand
watering and sweeping the dirt
good ending.
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thank you
i feel so good now that i actually wrote something.. its been too long that i havent been able to write. finaly something came out, and im glad this did.
but i dont know if i can do it again
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