I swear
By the woven voice
Of the china sky
And the twisted sins
And by those who die
By the demons and devils
Who dare to appear
To the downed, fallen angels
And their trembles of fear.
I swear
By the clouded melodies
Of the phoenix who sings
In a light, thawing harmony
With the oncoming spring
By the coal-blackened faces
Of the red, bleeding fire
By ecstatic, bright torches
By love and desire.
I swear
By the vows that I echo
By the round, mourning earth,
By me, by my soul,
And by all that I'm worth
As I mumble these words
The reason's distorted
And in my mind's eye
The meaning is thwarted.
Author notes
Word bank: I swear Sky Woven Bleeding China Fallen Distorted Voice Sin Ecstasy
Any form of the word/words.
As stated in the question somewhere above, should I get rid of the "I swear's"? I think they sort of interfere with the rhyme and throw it off a bit...
From Dapigster
Age 11
A contest entry
- " If You Were Dead Or Still Alive " by Asabouros..
700 points, ended August 18, 2008, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Easy To Enter by Redeemed15.
450 points, ended August 12, 2008, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Should I get rid of all the "I swear's" in between?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Great Poem Chloe! Thanks for entering into my contest!
-
Its amazing
I love it, It flows well
-
I swear that this is an awesome poem. I like how you repeat I swear. I think it flows just fine.
-
nice job
I think you did a good job it was a tough word bank,and Asa.Rose.: is a tuffy. Good luck in the contest, Boog -
Ending rules, I think you should leave it be
Though in the third stanza, I think it'd be better to have it read:
" I swear
By all the things of the earth
Repeating words
So many times
That the meaning is distorted "
I also wonder if you could put something between the stanzas? Because the four lines between the "I swear"s don't seem to be enough for me
and it gets a little crowded.
Plz put your name in the AN!!!
Ignore my ideas if you want, it's your poem
-
-
I put something between the I swear's... is it enough? Too much? Should I rhyme? More info in my AN.
-
-
It is very good, it's the perfect amount between to balance it Thanks
I think a little rhyme there would do nicely, you should change it to the torch/desire thing, the part you have now kinda...stuck out in a bad way to me.
*just my opinions.
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
