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Heartbroken



My princess knelt to seek my hand
And I, the fool, bade her proceed.
Before I'd time to understand
She plucked my heart and watched it bleed.

     She rose unknown from out the lake,

     How could I know she came to feed,

     Before I found my grave mistake,

     She plucked my heart and watched it bleed.

The fruit she sought was ripe and firm,

The product of the finest seed.
No mercy for this hapless worm,
She plucked my heart and watched it bleed.

      My princess knelt to seek my hand,
      She plucked my heart and watched it bleed.

 

Her beauty holds me in its thrall,

The victim of a gruesome deed.

To bring about my tragic fall

She plucked my heart and watched it bleed.
     She trapped me with the power of night,

     To satisfy her lust and greed.

     No witness to the dreadful sight,

     She plucked my heart and watched it bleed.
A shadow of the man I was,

A warning that all fools should heed,

I've lost my soul and all because

She plucked my heart and watched it bleed.

     Her beauty holds me in its thrall,

     She plucked my heart and watched it bleed.

 
Each day I watch her evil grow
I have to follow every lead
No way to act on what I know
She plucked my heart and watched it bleed.
     I yearn to find a sweet release
     To find a way I can be freed
     The torture of my life must cease
     She plucked my heart and watched it bleed.
I may not die, she owns my life
She's tied me to the basest creed
I took this harpy as my wife
She plucked my heart and watched it bleed.
     Each day I watch her evil grow
     She plucked my heart and watched it bleed.

 

Author notes

A Kyrielle sonnet is not (in my mind, others don't agree with me!) strictly a sonnet but perhaps a fourteen line poem in iambic tetrameter rhymed either AabB ccbB ddbB AB or AbaB cbcB dbdB AB where the capital letters represent not just the rhyme but a repeated line.

This is a triple Kyrielle sonnet rhymed AbaB cbcB dbdB AB EbeB fbfB gbgB EB HbhB ibIB jbjB HB

The picture is
"Forbidden" by manips-of-artist2

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 72 of 72

  • SeXyBabyGirl21
    October 12
    Edit | Reply
    THAT WAS AWSOME


  • BrokenHeart95
    July 6
    Edit | Reply
    I forgot something!!!


  • BrokenHeart95
    July 6
    Edit | Reply
    That was awesome!!! I really like your sonnet... Today I'm learning how to write my own though...

    • cricketjeff gold member
      July 6
      Edit | Reply
      This is a very particular kind of sonnet, I have quite a few more standard ones

      There is an excellent AP sonnet course (I have to say that the teacher is a friend of mine!)


  • BearWoman gold member
    June 13
    Edit | Reply

    Darkly beautiful

    I was reading this an one of your Echo Sonnets (in tetrameter rather than pentameter), until I saw your AN. I would have liked you to break form with the triple sonnet by adding a final, summarizing repetition of the repeated lines:

    My princess knelt to seek my hand; *
    Her beauty holds me in its thrall. *
    Each day I watch her evil grow;
    She plucked my heart and watched it bleed.

    * I changed your end of line punctuation.

    I have been pondering how to do a sonnet sequence using your Echo Sonnet form. Now I have one idea how to do it.

    A great read.

    • cricketjeff gold member
      June 13
      Edit | Reply
      If you were to use your suggested addition it would probaby work well to make the second sonnet end with lines 1,15 and4 and the third as you suggest.

      Any sequence of Kyrielle or echo sonnets has to face two tough challengesin this poem the final line is used 12 times, and finding a line that can bear that is tough! Add to that you need to find it 12 rhymes, 12 relevant rhyme, I haven't tried again
      I look forward to yours.

      • BearWoman gold member
        June 13

        Edit | Reply
        Yes, I do recognize the challenge. I am not sure how one might be able to sustain this pattern beyond a triad of sonnets. Perhaps each sonnet could use the same or similar meaning for a line (but that would likely dilute the individual sonnets), or if I'm using echo sonnets, I have the option of varying the B line repition in many ways. Then, my B end-of-line rhyme for each sonnet could be different. Pehaps then I could weave in the complexity of a structure such that I could create an Echo Sonnet crown, where the final sonnet is composed of all repeating lines. Something to ponder. When I come up with some ideas, perhaps I can run them by you?

        >> "If you were to use your suggested addition it would probaby work well to make the second sonnet end with lines 1,15 and4 and the third as you suggest." Do you mean Sonnet 2 would be EbeB fbfB gbgA EB ?? (could you detail the schema for me?)

        • cricketjeff gold member
          June 13

          Edit | Reply
          AbaB cbcB dbdB AB EbeB fbfB gbgB AEB HbhB ibIB jbjB AEHB

          A true crown redouble of echo sonnets would have a monorhymed 15th sonnet since the first and last lines rhyme, one could perhaps vary the form to make the couplet from each preceding sonnet into lines 2&3 of the following, or just l14 into l2 of the new one.
          Hmmm
          No thinking about it an echo crown redouble would be rather more complex because sonnet4 sonnet8 sonnet 12 and sonnet14 would have to have the same repeat lines!
          hmmmmm

          • BearWoman gold member
            June 14
            Edit | Reply
            Thanks for clarifying the rhyme scheme. Seems like that would become unwieldy very quickly.

            As far as an echo sonnet crown redouble: yes, I think the form would have to be modified to accommodate, otherwise very few rhymes would be possible, and I suspect they could become quite monotonous.

            Thanks for thinking about this and sharing.

  • Ghettobutalright
    May 4

    Edit | Reply

    Beautifully written and very relatable

    Really a great red and it was like...well like the curse of love that many people suffer from. I'll soon have She's a Demon on here I hope you like it a third as much as I enjoyed reading this writing of yours. Keep up your expressions and arts of work


  • hollowriver
    May 4
    Edit | Reply
    what an excellent rendition to a a typical dark fantasy picture. well done story abound.


  • Sylvyrwyng gold member
    March 6
    Edit | Reply
    lolol... great take on the prompt and I love the flow of the piece as well.


  • PerVirtuous
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    You have developed a very good story here. I would prefer to see the lines develop from one another more. The first stanza:

    My princess knelt to seek my hand
    And I, the fool, bade her proceed.
    Before I'd time to understand
    She plucked my heart and watched it bleed.

    This one flows well one line to the next. But this one:

    I may not die, she owns my life
    She's tied me to the basest creed
    I took this harpy as my wife
    She plucked my heart and watched it bleed.

    Is just four unrelated lines that share rhymes. I am not saying this is a bad thing, just that tying them together into a story, as in the first stanza, is better. The fact that each line relates to the story is not the same as having them woven together into a paragraph.

    This is the real difficulty of form poetry. Putting independent rhyming lines together is not very difficult. Weaving them together into a tapestry that reads like a flowing story without the rhyme, yet having the meter and rhyme in it, is the ultimate challenge for the form poetry writer.

    So, taking everything into account, I think the meter and rhyme are excellent. The language is very good, the story is intriguing, and overall it was a pleasure to read.

    • cricketjeff gold member
      March 6
      Edit | Reply
      You have a point, but it is more in my inability to sell the story to you than in the unrelatedness of those lines

      I may not die, she owns my life
      "Because" is intended to be implied here
      She's tied me to the basest creed
      Then we move to the next (related) idea
      I took this harpy as my wife
      by marrying this fell creature I am trapped
      She plucked my heart and watched it bleed.

      The trick to find is to satisfy my liking for lines that follow structure with the need to carry the reader through smoothly. If I were any good at it I wouldn't be posting it all here

  • Eusebius
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, so darkly superb! A brilliant piece of writing here in an extremely complex form. I aboslutely loved it! Oops! I've commented upon this before... see, I still love it!!!


  • Viyanna Rosemarie silver member
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    thank you for introducing me to a new form today. i enjoyed reading this and am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. congratulations on the trophies you have earned with this write. viyanna rosemarie


  • melmo
    March 6
    Edit | Reply

    wow your amazing

    very beautiful i wish i had peotry as good as this one....=)


  • just4fun20
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    wow just aperfect thuought you wrote down a real amazing poem mu favorit lines are I yearn to find a sweet release
    To find a way I can be freed
    The torture of my life must cease
    She plucked my heart and watched it bleed


  • wynd-fyre
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    You know what, I really like this. usually not a fan of rhymed poetry in this meter, but YOU made it work. I really like the repetitive verse within it, it doesn't seem repetitive, but still adds body and reminder to the poem. Great job, awesome write. Thanks for posting!


  • Zenda-Lokki silver member
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    Great poem here cricketjeff. The words flowed elequently to the next and read with ease. An extreamly heartfelt piece and a joy to read.


  • xXLifelessLindseyxX
    February 21

    Edit | Reply
    This is the best poem I have read in a long time. I felt the pain in my heart every time I read "She plucked my heart and watched it bleed." Very touching and the flow was wonderful. Thanks for entering.


  • Ellis gold member
    February 9

    Edit | Reply
    Unfortunate decision as to who to bind
    yourself to, one of her kind
    Now you rue her; had you been blind
    better off you'd be, such beauty not to find...

    Tiki Cat, cat philosopher


  • Tanya94
    February 8

    Edit | Reply
    This poem is sad, but so beautiful. The flow and rhythm are great, and it doesn't seem strained like some poems do. Overall, I really enjoyed this piece, and will definately be back to see what else you have.


  • Shancy Fayre
    January 4

    Edit | Reply
    This is sad but touches greatly on reality. I liked the rhythm as well as the "story" in the poem. I'm learning from others. There is so much I, yet, don't understand. Shancy.


  • Nikkisixxx
    November 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is probably one of the best poems I have read in a long time. The words you use are amazing, and even in your rhyming you don't seem at all to be trying. Amazing, thank you!


  • CitrineSunrise silver member
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love this form of poetry and especially the way you have made it your own. You are an expert at rhyming and form and just reading your work is a lesson learned. The progression of emotion from first to last is well executed, and the tragedy of an unhappy marriage to a beautiful woman is timeless. Excellent as always. Peace, Liz


  • krystal balllll
    September 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    geeez have enough comments? This is really good.


  • georgie
    September 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow!!! this tis incredible... one of ur best pieces if not the best. would love to read more along this line and i can see why you won the gold... it was well deserved... stunning,
    hugs,
    georgie,
    xxx


  • Immortal Obscurity Greeters member
    September 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, so deserving of the trophies! That picture is lovely, and as I've said many a time, I admire people who can write well in form, yourself included

    The kyrielle-sonnet is my new favourite form, and who better to write one than the master of form-poetry? I'm so happy I clicked! Imagery was aplenty, and seeing this dark side of you was a lovely change; what a welcome breath of fresh air!

    I attempted my first form-poem in ages the other day, and it was - you guessed it- a double kyrielle-sonnet... a romantic one! I thought, "oh, wow; Jeff would be proud of me", since I know we've had the free-verse versus form discussion many times in our respective tenures on AP Yours was much better than my attempt, of course

    All the best,
    Laura


  • Tirrell
    September 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    congrats on its two trophies, this is a fine triple kyrille sonnet, and is most enchanting. What beautiful imagery you have woven and made this such a delightful read.--Robert


  • dame de la riviere
    September 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Delightfully Impressive

    This is my second time reading this powm...I was so stunned the last time that I didn't knwo what to say. You are very skilled and have written a fantastic poem. , Dannie


    • cricketjeff gold member
      September 11, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank-you for the kind comments, it is a poem I was very pleased with.


  • mehimdumb
    September 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I absolutely loved this form you chose. I've never heard of it before, but I'm glad I came and discovered it

    This may be due to the chosen image, but when I read it I didn't picture it as a 'heart' but as an apple, and of this woman biting into it and consuming it over time, leaving only a hollowed core.

    Magnificent poem! =)


  • whispersoftly
    September 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a good write, im a fan of form poetry, this is beautifully done! poetry like this makes me wish i hadnt stayed away so long c


  • Manoj Sanyal
    September 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    nice poem indeed..
    Best wishes.


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    August 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Bravo! Standing in applause!

    Wow Jeff. I am not at all surprised to see trophies adorning this beauty. Not only in words but in artistic presentation, this poem holds true to Kyrielle Sonnet in the richest of its form.

    Anchor lines lilt and carry the poem without being obvious. They are strong and incorporated beautifully without being an encumbrance.

    OH I just enjoyed this so much. Thank you for sharing this gem. Wonderful poetry, as it was meant to be written, meant to be read. Ahhhhhhhh. ~Pamela

    *** pulls out a a gold trophy from her closet - hands it over ***

    • cricketjeff gold member
      August 31, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank-you, I don't usually enjoy repeating line forms, but here I found a good line, it started just as two sonnets, but I think the third added quite a bit. I am really very surprised how well it worked with one line appearing quite that often, that excellent poets and critics such as you have enjoyed it means a lot to me


  • xXDarkChildXx
    August 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, what lovely imagiry there is here. I love the way you wrote the poem. You compared yourself to a apple, great lovely analogy. And ho wit bleeds, oh, what images I get. Lovely job indeed, congrats on the trophy, and luck on the next contest.


  • Venus25
    August 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very wonderful Mr Cricket!


  • Rebekah-Ann silver member
    August 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    You should have won....

  • Rebekah-Ann silver member
    August 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    What a lovely poem!!! And the form was kinda new to me but it was really done so well!!!
    This picture makes me think of Snow White yet she is not the good girl that we all know in this poem.
    I've bookmarked this!!!

    VERY WELL DONE!!!

    Keep well
    Becks

  • Eusebius
    August 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Superb

    Ah, this is most wonderful and wonderous, haunting and so very excellent! It brought to mind the spell cast by Keats in "La Belle Dame Sans Merci". Just a terrific poem! Bravo!!!

  • celadia
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    If this is silver, I'd love to see gold, this was pro, man. Every time I read one of your poems I wonder why you aren't publishing books of poetry, really you're that good. No lies. Just a fantastic fantasy and it made me feel the tragedy of this man's life.

    • cricketjeff gold member
      August 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank-you, you are far too kind. I was very pleased with this poem, Sue Cardwell provoked me into adding the third stanza and I am so pleased she did.
      If you ever find a publisher who shares your opinion of my poetry, please let me know!


  • Ti Amo Te Quiero
    August 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    love it!! Nice talent you got there

  • piccola silver member
    August 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    #1 thank you for adding to the author notes and obeying a rule that probably seems asinine. #2 it is a beautiful write and thank you for entering.


  • z etoile
    August 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Amazing piece of poetry. You truely have master rhyme and meter. I just started trying it out.
    The truth in your poem is well written as well. Your poetry is amazing keep writing.
    MJ


  • sidewinder silver member
    August 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    you do something here that I have no skill at... and that is form poetry... and you are quite skilled as I see.
    and now what I see as the essence of this piece...
    thy words scream within crimson flow as the darkness smiles with in the abyss.
    Bill

  • luvdrkchocolate
    August 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh. This is a nice little poem that you have penned in here. I'm glad that I stumbled onto this one because I love form poetry. And even before I got to the author notes I could tell it was in some kind of form. I thought it might be some kind of villianelle but it wasn't. Either way it had good pace and meter. You did a good job of expressing yourself here.


  • PerVirtuous
    August 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Not bad.


  • malmadre gold member
    August 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Bloody good! for some reason the meter comes shining through for me in this one..I might get a better understanding of meter after all..maybe some day.
    This is a darker one for you, I hope it's not true to life


  • Unsigned gold member
    August 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Great story and very well written..

    Good luck to you...

    Simon


  • LadyDementia gold member
    August 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, a stunning tale you've told, I love the darkness of this piece. The refrain is excellent as it is strong and can be read many ways when reading. I really enjoyed this, excellence all round. Thanks for entering and good luck


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    August 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ahh.. such a wonderful bit of darkness here! I don't think I've seen you do dark before.. but love the feeling in this.. the diction is great also (I only just learnt what that meant lol.. but certainly applies here!). Love the form and how you managed to find so many words to rhyme with bleed that didn't seem forced in any way and told the story perfectly!


  • Angelflower
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was really wonderful! so beautifully crafted..The imagery was so vivid.. and the flow was almost flawless.. I really loved the feel of this..
    best of luck in the contest..

    Angel


  • Amera gold member
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Absolutely beautiful! This masterpiece is perfect in rhyme, meter, flow, structure and image. I think this is the very best poem you have ever composed. Thank you so much for linking me to it.

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • Thomas Scott gold member
    August 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Amazing.

    Just amazing.


  • sailor ptolema
    August 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Oh, so cool . At first, I was like oh wow, it's long lol. But, you held my attention all the way through. I didn't get bored . I really like this form piece. The repetitive lines are the knife-edge of the poem . And I love that it avoids any cliche I feel this picture might attract.

    This is really good Jeff, still, shoulda been free verse

    Jacks will like it.

    ~Meg


    • cricketjeff gold member
      August 8, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Jacks is a brilliant FV poet, and expressed an interest in forms so I said at the start I'd do each round in a different form
      I hadn't counted on it going to 11 rounds though!

      I do occasionally write FV and a few people are even kind enough to say I do it well sometimes


      • sailor ptolema
        August 8, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        ohhh!! cool . Yea, I just left little comments on some of your new FV poems .


  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    August 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ok, I just knew you'd do it ... only you


  • PassionsPromise gold member
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    well done here.

    Only you can...well no I can as well but why even try.

    Kiwi will enjoy this one as much as the rest

    Glad to see you penning


    Love you
    Passions

  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    An excellent double ... possible triple Kyrielle sonnet!!

    The triple I would love to see, but the double is not bad


  • sailor ptolema
    August 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ohh g'luck! I'm excited to see what goes here

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