and she can not remember
the bottom of pink fish
fresh with lemon slices
or the unrivaled shape of
ocean squid
as they pass unnoticed
into the swell of salt
she was gaudy as scales
a bottom dweller
feeding off a faceless rhyme
as she thrust one hand
into the swollen tentacles
of sweaty urchins
lips pulled back to hide
an almost insidious
yet maniacal grief
i understood mellow demeanor
but yellow was the pallor
of an advertised summer
her door led to seasides
where she stood
stuck in certain limbo
her palms like coral sponges
swept up with the reclusive
and somehow angry tide
you could make the wind
a shade of wretched green
i saw ahab with his whale
the song of ache
heard across bows of ships
even blown sand over cracks
continued to rape the sea
almost came undone
as she drifted through
long forgotten lockers
a siren of the fallen
In a list
A contest entry
- Door _ A Collaboration Contest sponsored by ArtFully Me and Cat by Cat.
5000 points, ended August 31, 2008, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
all critical advice is warranted.
Comments
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Please oh please don't stop.
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lol Well James and I wouldnt' stop except that he has had a sabbatical for quite awhile from here, and it's my turn now. Though I never say never and James and I are good 'real life' friends so no doubt somewhere along in the future I am sure there will be more words together.
Thank you 
Chez
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I was reminiscing about how much I enjoyed reading your posts on here and how much I would enjoy new ones. If you ever stop by here you should drop me a line
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James has not had the internet for quite awhile and is working but has it on now, I am sure he will find time to drop by soon. I visited him in Mass a few weeks ago and he is well
Chez
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Yes, the whole part of the siren is to make others fall . . . nice image, that one . . . love the whole verbiage and action going on here.
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A bit late, but I love this. Very much into and involved and inside this while I read.
you haven't posted in quite some time. Just to know... or... so you know, yeh, that we're still loving your work here on this particular part of the planet...
keep on writing and such -
A very belated congrats yo.
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Hey minty!
Thanky.
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Thanks Jess, James and I were very thrilled to win.
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Wow! the descriptions in this piece are great!
Congratulations on the gold!
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Hey girl. You might remember me as jaunty pill...Somewhere along the way, we lost touch. Thanks a lot for reading our collab.
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Thank you Zayra, Was a pleasure to write with James, hope we do it again soon.
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I wondered what would win that!
This is way too cool! I read this like a marionette with a drunk driver, all rictus-like in my reading, jerked hither and yon, down a sort of rabbit hole.
It reads with an odd sort of kinship to the Mellville, all epic in a glass, but with a thrust of image, sparkly language, and these half buried alternate meanings.
Sorry to avoid some deconstruction or attempt edit advice, as if a self supposed scholar; I just enjoyed three slow readings of this as is, and was then compelled to read it aloud. Congrats on a well deserved award!
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Hey bro.
Yeah, me and Cheryl worked on this for a little while already, since it was first posted...So I for one am sort of glad you didn't find anything edit wise. That's good to know. I like your reading into our writing. On another note, I must always read stuff out loud at some point, to make sure I am properly hearing everything as it should be...Our collab here is no exception.
Thank you. I'm sure I speak for Cheryl as well.
You're comments are always thoughtful.
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Thank you doll.
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Yes surreal..and sublime. Imagery reigns.
Some harnomy of diverse perspectives in collaboration, well worth a little polishing.
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Thank you.
We had fun collabing so I can speak for both
of us when I say "glad you enjoyed our piece".
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This has some fantastic images in it and for me the overall effect is one of walking through a surreal landscape.
sweaty urchins -- is wonderful
gaudy as scales -- love the way that seems like music as well as shine
I found myself smiling when I read:
an almost insidious
yet maniacal grief
and
stuck in certain limbo
as they both seem slightly satirical, and paint an interesting as well as dramatic character.
Excellent theme, and wonderful to see the blend of your two unique voices. I love the sense I'm left with at the end of this. And those last lines speak volumes.
A couple of things I'd like to mention as each time I've read this they've come to my attention.
I agree with Mary about the poem beginning with
"she can not remember"
the smell of fish doesn't seem to add to the narrative, and for me detracts the strength from the second line rather than enhances it.
Also theres a conflict in the tense here
she [[was]<-- past-tense] gaudy as scales
a bottom dweller
feeding off a faceless rhyme
as she [[thrusts]<-- active present-tense] one hand
not sure which you were after, or whether I'm missing a transition from the first stanza to the second? It keeps tripping me up and I find I stop and switch one or the other so they're the same before I continue on.
also not sure about the line break here:
swept up with the
reclusive and somehow
angry tide
the 'the' seems a bit lonely hanging there on the end and I find myself adding 'reclusive' to it and breaking it after that..
Thank you both for entering
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Hey love.
As with mary's comment, you leave us something that helped improve the piece. Me and Cheryl did post this quite quickly, but our ideas came together so fast, it was only obvious some things would need another look...Like I always say, "you can't improve without first writing something that needs improvement". I think as two voices though we brought together something we can both be proud of. Everything you mentioned was with good reason and like I said to mary, has allowed Cheryl to make the proper changes while I was away...Knowing full well that I would have no problem with these changes. Plus, a little fine tuning of the poetic machine never hurt anyone...At least, I don't think so... It's good to be back to the site and it's always lovely to see a comment from you pop up when I first come on, especially from a week away.
Again, many thanks.
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Hey James
Good to see you back!
As far as fine tuning things goes, I think you know my view on that one
I liken it to when I sketch, the odds of me getting my lines exactly where I want them as I want them are far less than the odds of me erasing things until they lay where my eye wants them to be..lol. I always appreciate another person's perspective as most of the time it expands my own, good, bad, or otherwise
You're welcome. -
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Yes, I think a lot of the time my brain is connected to yours in some kind of limbo where the parade keeps on marching...Even in the rain. Without different perspectives, I would not have the ability to write at all, I think...Sometimes other people can really get the ball moving in a better and faster direction. I forget how well me and Cheryl seriously blended here and keep re-reading it thinking "we wrote that"...LOL. It is good to be home and well, good to see you.
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I don't think I'd wish that one anyone My mind is hard enough for me to deal with by myself ...lol About other people getting the ball rolling. Definitely. Many times I've been stuck with something, not really sure of what I want or where I'm headed and someone will say something and it's like a light goes on and I say aha! ..I would be lost without those little inspirations, and if not lost then at the very least stuck with something less than it could be..
It's wonderful when you look back on your own work or something you've done with someone else and get that ..wow.. we did that? feeling isn't it?
You too
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I see Alex has returned to us. I couldn't help but kind of mention it here...Though it is off topic. I think I will be looking back on this one every now and again and just feeling good that we were able to click together...It's so rare. As far as lights going on, I hear you there. I usually run my work by kenny a couple of times or someone close to me and then I see if anything is mentioned that I missed...And I think it is so hard to be a judge of our own work, especially when we are so familiar with it sometimes. Anyways, before they cut our boxes short again...Grrr...I'll just say that if I must be trapped with a mind equal or on some level to yours, I would rather be there, then anywhere else.
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Thank you, I was trying not to change too much until I saw James again seeing as he is away until the 30th but I have made the changes now and will IM him with them so he is fully aware of why and hope he agrees that the feel of the poem works better. Always a pleasure to have a different person's perspective on these things as we both had started to go blind lol
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You're welcome. If he complains just send him to me
And I know how that goes... lol as I tend to go blind most of the time too ( remembers you catching her sandy desert that was supposed to be whipping cream .. which sat like that for months )
And yes it's always great when someone catches them. lol
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Blindness is the poets curse.
When you catch them it's like a beautiful
sea breeze....
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We wrote this together with just a couple of thoughts I gave James about the sea and ocean theme lol...it evolved quite quickly so we knew when we posted it that it may need fine tuning. I am sure he will be ok as always
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You know I love ya.
This piece is really good now,
after these changes were brought
to our attention and dare I say,
prefect.
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You know I hesitated to do the changes without you but then Liza said she'd deal with you lol But as I did themI felt that all the things they suggested were valid and the piece is stronger.So glad you liked them, lol I was worried I may have fiddled too much
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Well, we probably would have ended up not liking something else regardless...But I suppose as far as poetry goes that's bound to happen on more than one occasion. I really think all these suggestions though, like you said, have really strengthened our piece. You didn't fiddle too much at all...Just enough to work out a few kinks.
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oh I would expect so yes, and if not he'll explain.
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Methinks this should win, hands down.
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You are
a wonderful
mint.
It's good to be home.
Ya miss me?
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Only just saw this now...
Of course I did.
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i love that you chose this theme which was unexpected
and interesting. The two voices blend nearly seamlessly here. So if that was your goal it was certainly accomplished!
Most of the images work really well for me- and stay interesting.
for me your poem begins at:
She can not remember the bottom of pink fish.
while i think the first line is interesting- "fish heads smell stale" - i find the very next line ( of make-believe) so weak that i think it would be best to either revisit or eliminate and start at
"she can not remember..."
Only because as soon as i got to that make -believe line i almost turned back. But everything else in that first stanza is great- love the swell of salt-
and i do love smell and swell in the same stanza- alongside the alliterative partner squid.
I like gaudy as scales- and sweaty urchins
maniacal glee seems odd to me
third stanza has wonderful alliteration with all the LLLL's through out-
This stanza could definitely use some tightening-
i like the sirens at the end- and the forgotten lockers. Puke is unnecessary and detracts from the strength of that final stanza- sand that blew could be blown sand- love ahab too
Overall a really good piece - love the thematic quality of the piece and the blended voices give it a good strength.
m
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Hello mary.
I just now checked the older version, as I had it still saved to the computer, and I think that my dear Cheryl did a good job tweaking this thing while I was away. Thank you also for all your careful consideration into the piece itself. All of the things you nit-picked were with good reason and I dare say, we have a stronger piece on our hands because of you. I'm glad you think we blended well...It's not often that you find many people that you can just connect with, ya know? Anyways, thank you again! I know I appreciate the comment and Cheryl I know did as well.
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Thank you Mary, I may have to do the fine tuning as I know James will be away so I hope he won't mind if I fiddle with it without him but I'll be sure to let him know the changes if any we make. It was a good collab, felt right and the voices were a good match of both of us together, hope we do it again soon. C
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ursala andress and her shells
like it. it's conversational almost- but as if it were told from the mouth of memory. love the lack of punctuation. it reads seamless, and is distinctive.
off-putting:
an almost insidious yet maniacal glee? my eye stopped there. as if a period were interjected. it's off.
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You're right. It is conversational in some aspect and if punctuation were used in the piece...A period might work there, but, it would look very strange with just one. Thank you for your thoughts on our collab. It's much appreciated.
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Ooooh, this was neato I'm glad to see more people collaborating nowadays; it seemed to be dying for while. A great ending was stunning images. My eyes feasted on everything Good luck in the contest and really awesome job, guys
Jeanette*~
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Hey love. Yes, me and Cheryl had a lot of fun writing it and it just sort of came out of the sea imagery and stuff that Cheryl mentioned...If it wasn't for her though, a lot of these ideas and especially this collab...Would not have come into fruition. Thank you again.
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Thanks Jeanette, I wonder why people don't do more either, especially as I was lucky enough to have James, he made it smooth and fun to do this. We have fiddled a little with it but not really on the images, they sort of came together quite fast. I hope to do more with him in the future. C
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Indeed we shall do more in the future.
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i love the allusion at the end.
i felt the imagery was at it's strongest at the end - not too much and not too little; balanced.
the other stanzas were really good.
the mellow yellow soda can image was cool but kind of random, i just felt it didnt fit with the overall theme [imagery-wise] of the poem. it was rather distracting.
idea-wise, i liked the image though...but it didn't fit cohesively.
"i understood the quiet demeanor
but mellow was a yellow can
of advertising summer"
-i think it is the yellow can part that threw me off. it was a pointless metaphor. [of course, from the writers' point of view it was definitely not pointless] but from the reader's point of view, the only thing it adds is clutter. if i was the writer, going back to edit, i would take out lines 2 and 3 of that stanza. i suggest this:
"i understood the mellow demeanor;
her door led to seasides
where she stood
stuck in certain limbo
etc..."
"mellow demeanor" i like the 'm' sound. the consonance adds a good kick to that line too.
other than that part, the ideas just flowed - and i love how figuratively both of you write and still can write a collaboration that comes together [with the exception of the mellow yellow image] cohesively.
loved it.
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Thank you for your honesty babes, that's why I know when you read something, you will always say exactly what you feel. I'll have to wait and run that by Cheryl whenever she is around as I haven't been on much today, so I'm not sure if she has seen this comment yet...But if she has, she would have mentioned it by now, I'm sure. You should really read her stuff outside of this collab. She is a wonderful writer and certainly quite a talent. We actually worked with that ending a little already, so that might not have been your favorite part if we hadn't worked with it some...LOL. Thank you for such a detailed and thoughtful comment. I'll tell you if we do decide on an adequate change, for sure. I know sometimes from a personal view something is fine, but from another, it can be somewhat distracting. I know that feeling all too well.
Thanks again babes.
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Smooth Sailin'
I read this earlier and came back to let it fully sink in.
To be honest, I can't tell the difference between the voices. That's because there are none. This flows like a river to the sea....there are so many doors in this, although rape the sea was my favorite.
Congrats and best wishes to the both of you.
Tremendous work
peace and hugs
Muddy
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That my dear Richard is a very good thing that you can't tell the difference. I can't wait to do many more collabs with my dear Cheryl in the future. She is a wonderful person, in heart and in mind. We worked well together I think, indeed. Thanks so much for the comment. That's very kind of you.
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I agree James and I have blended together quite well, he was a delight to work with and I think that shows in the piece itself. Love, C
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i will try not take offense to the 'fish-heads' line, but the rest has an almost wistful, octopussy garden kind of feel; and no doors for me, just the port hole in my yellow submarine. -silverFISH
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No sir, as you could never be a fish-head, as you are a bright silver fish and should never be on a plate. The garden feel kind of developed itself, and I'm not even sure if we originally were intending it to feel so watery, but it is, so...I guess that is what gave it such a feel. Thank you. I love when you read my stuff, even my collabs with someone as wonderful as Cheryl.
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OH damn I didn't know you entered the 'Door' contest.
*takes out entry*
LoL...I read this before but my fingers felt lazy, so I will make it up to you by typing a long ass ditty.
First of all, Cannonsfire is KICK-ASS!!! And I can see quite a bit of her style reeking most fragrantly.
"fish-heads smell stale
when the market place of
make believe dies with age"
Well...I think "make-believe" could do with a hyphen.
Yes, I can smell everything. It's good.
"and she can not remember
the bottom of pink fish
fresh with lemon slices
or the unrivaled shape of
ocean squid
as they pass unnoticed
into the swell of salt"
So much food!! It makes me hungry!!!
"lemon slices"<--hehe. The smell of lemons is awesome, even if they taste sour. Lemon candies taste GREAT though.
"a bottom dweller
feeding off a faceless rhyme"
I LOVE THAT. Makes me think of plebeians and crappy poetry (not 'cause this is crappy poetry--far from it, but the "faceless rhyme" thing...)
"lips pulled back to hide
an almost insidious
yet maniacal glee"
I think you are talking about the lipless Lord Voldemort.
"but mellow was a yellow can
of advertising summer"
Abstractly kick-ass. My favorite part!!!
"her door led to seasides
where she stood
stuck in certain limbo"
'Limbo' is cool to think about and cool to reference in poems.
"her palms like coral sponges
swept up with the
reclusive and somehow
angry tide"
Some nifty writing here. 'reclusive' & 'angry' being paired together works.
Makes me think of a creepy ass neighbor who is quietly pissed off at you.
"you could make the wind
a shade of puke green"
Upchucking's never been this colorful!
"a siren of the fallen"
Freaking gorgeous.
Good luck...pssh, like ya need it.
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You can't take out your entry...That could be the gold you just removed silly-kins... Yes, she does rock my socks off, absolutely. I think make believe does need a hyphen...Thank you for telling us and pointing that out girl. I love how you go through and pick out bits and then add little thoughts...Your commenting style is all your own and I very much appreciate your keen eye on our collab. Thank you babes!
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No problemo...oh well, trophies aren't everything
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lol The hyphen queen and I agree it does need one oh mistress of the obvious!!! lol...I do so love your comments and I see James is familiar with them too. Thanks sissy and James is the one who rocks!!! C
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Exactly. We just entered for the fun of it and because we really wanted to collab together. They are nice, but not one should live by them, they are just pixels, after all.
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I've only collabed with one person. Collabs are hella fun
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Yes they are, like superness all rolled
up inside the soft promises of ancient tongues...LOL. Don't ask me where that came from...
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Your occipital lobe was the source of that.
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Yes, it must have been that.
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lol sounds like the start of another poem James
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Maybe we shall use that in our next collab. Oh and yes, I would love to visit with you when ever you come over to the states...I don't think I ever got back to that before.
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Cool because we are flying into NY so your not that far away, consider it a date!
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Goodies.
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I loved this. The Mody Dick reference is excellent, and pairs nicely with the rest of the maritime metaphors that you flawlessly carry through out the poem. It's so powerful, in its sadness. The thought that comes to mind is someone chasing the sea and an echo, to the blackness of the deep trenches of the ocean. I loved this.
-joan.
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Why thank you Joan. Yes, little tinkering needed, as I don't want us to lose our independent theme and the pairing of imagery...But thank you very much for leaving such a thoughtful comment. It was a lot of fun. I'm sure we will work on other collabs in the future.
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Thank you so much for your lovely comment, this is the first collab I have done with James and I enjoyed it very much. He and I both think we blend rather well and were pleased with this, even to the point we tinkered very little with the images in it. Love, C
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You're welcome! I shall be reading more of each of you.
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Oh Thank you Joan, we'll be both sure to drop by your stuff too
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thanks!.. well, as I'm new, I only have 4 posted lol.
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you could make the wind
a shade of puke green
i saw ahab with his whale
the song of ache
My god but this was just stunning! I loved this, with its tale of the sea and the poignant melancholy of things swimming below their depths. A truly masterful collab...but what else would one expect from such two reknowned poets?
Dude, you guys are gonna make it tough for Muddy and me, aren't ya??
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Awww you and Muddy are a wonderful pairing and I am looking forward to seeing the outcome of that one for sure James has become a dear friend and I was thrilled he would write with me and you make me
lol I have never thought of myself as a poet but a person with too many words inside her head lol paper just gives me the chance to get rid of them Thank you so much. C
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Shucks.
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Well...you are
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Why thank you girl. Well, maybe we will give you a run for your money at least... But I doubt you will have much trouble dishing out something fantastic...You two certainly have nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to the incredible writing you two dish out. It needs a few tweaks, just some minor things, but yes, we did the best we could with two voices, melding as one. Thank you again Darcy. You are lovely.
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Simply Wonderful.
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Thank you girl.
How are things? I hope life
is treating you well while you
have been away.
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Wow... that first stanza is quite effective, and then you take us on a rotted journey that is delightful. Great collab.. .best of luck in the contest.
♥
whisper
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Thank you very much.
It was a lot of
fun working with her.
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wow! that's some piece of writing!
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<
Thank you Slayer.
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Nicely done.
Great meshing of voices and wonderful flow. I felt as though I were in the belly of that whale sloushing around...
A couple of critiques if I may...nothing major.
The word "thrusted" seems odd...I wanted to read it as simply thrust.
i understood the quiet demeanor
but mellow was a yellow can
of advertising summer
for some reason, I feel the word "was" is awkward here...could just be me, it is 7am...lol.
Very good writing together!
♥Becky♥
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Yes, I think "thrust" is a much better choice. I'll run the "was" by Cheryl now before I eat. It was lovely to get on and see a comment from you Becky. I felt like we did something good and no, I'm sure this could be tweaked some, we haven't properly worked out all the little kinks yet. Thank you!
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Thank you Becky, I will speak with James over your suggestions and see what he thinks, don't want to do anything on my own without asking. It was a fun one to write with such a lovely person as James is and such a talented writer.
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I agree: what a wonderful collaboration this is - such a perfect fusion of voices here. Loved the sea/nautical metaphors, and the way you've carried it through from beginning to end. The whales are in the bay here where I live now and I could see this poem. Simply marvelous poetry, you two!!
~ Nicolette
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Oh Nicolette...You always know how to make me smile and I'm very sure Cheryl would agree. I felt like this one came together on its own for us, surprisingly it was quite easy...We just came up with a theme and started writing it back and forth, mixing and matching and our voices effortlessly blended, which I was very happy to see. Thank you for stopping by. You know I love when you do.
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I used to think James was so much better than me and was a little scared of him lol silly me! He is a wonderful poet and a wonderful friend now and I adore him
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Yes, silly you. You are certainly my equal
in almost every way. I think our collab
proves that.
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You two need to collaborate more often; this is all kinds of excellent.
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And we shall, I am almost sure of it.
Why thank you darlin'.
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Awww that;s so nice of you to say, James was great to run idea's past, his mind works beautifully.
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I think, 'thrusted' needs to be thrust, and there's a little editing needed with use of articles, but other than those small nits, I loved this. Definitely a sense of sadness. Loved the final line too.
your voices blend beautifully.
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Yes, "thrusted" does need to be "thrust", I completely agree. Could you point out the articles for us? So that way we have a clearer idea of how to fix it up...As it still could use editing cause we did not properly do much with it yet. I am glad you liked our poem though...It was a lot of fun to write. Thank you Rowan.
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Thanks hun, the more I read that line I do think 'thrust' would be better but I will wait for James and get his opinion too. I did so enjoy this collab, he is a wonderful person to do this thing with. Hope we do more soon. Love, C
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There is such a sense of enchanted loneliness in this ... like a mermaid lost in a sea of familar strangeness where she aches for the legs that she'll never have. The mood is heavy and grey with the sense of loss ... or maybe just the sense of numbness. Wonderfully done guys, but I'm not sure the word "fucking" sounds right for this piece ... it kind of jars the mind out of the lull of ebb and flow created by the mood of the images. Great job though!
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Hey you again girl. Yes, the word "fucking" is a bit jarring and I think a change could certainly soften out that tone, to make it work better with the ending. It was wonderful working with her and I'm sure with just a few little edits, we can really nail the poem onto the monitor. Everything needs a little tweak here and there, for sure. Thank you babes. I think there is certainly a sense of loss/numbness here...and we gave this woman the sea legs to ache with the best of us. I always love your comments.
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Thank you! We haven't done one edit on this yet as we just posted it today so no doubt its bones will be tweaked when we both feel alive and awake again to do so.
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