I think this golden shape carried in my back pocket
has started to become me:
you see it as a miracle- how it falls and then plucks
a nose hair out of my nostril
though I must admit the belly opens up in august
drips out betty ford phrases and
dries itself in the blood and sweat and tears
of my undying love for you.
sixty-five pounds of swiss chocolate
was brought to my house once and though I'm sure you
remember my face- you made it look like valentines.
you said someday I would be able to hold
weights against my heart:
that the thump-thump-thump of your youth
would cease to grow
and I was sad
very sad
like somewhere that same day
a fucking tumor started to erupt behind
my retina: always in shadow.
I tell the priest to leave candle sticks
the séance will be performed alone-
to reach higher forms of levity
I must be stricken at the knees with guilt:
he can not enter the room
not for any reason-
and he must leave jesus on his cross
when he crawls back up the stairs
to my dingy book of washed up paragraphs
held stupidly close.
the shape in my back pocket starts to slide:
you can make out the word "bitch"
carved into its splintered frame and though I
understand now more than ever
I'm almost sure your chest has changed underneath
since I stopped breathing through
my ultra-thin arteries-
standing over the pecker wood my daddy
likes to throw into the fire.
Author notes
I miss your songs.
In a list
- exceptional poems ∞ • next in list
- a journey through poesy-ville • next in list
- AP word artists that inspire me • next in list
A contest entry
- Controlled Vomiting: Can you puke beautifully? by onerios13.
1400 points, ended August 17, 2008, 24 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
all critical advice is warranted.
Comments
1 - 77 of 77
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This is incredible. I miss your poetry. And I miss you.
You ought to come back.
--And actually I came back to your page because I was reading a poem by rembrandt clarke and there was a part of it that reminded me of your poetry, so i came back to visit. -
WOW
This is amazing. Your words, so filled with passion and emotion, pierce to the core and make statement as the reader reads them. A very well penned piece that deserved nothing less than gold, so I am glad to see that it received it.
This is poetry. -
This is stunning. There's amazingly beautiful imagery and heart and hurt throughout the entire piece, and it deserved the gold. Amazing write.
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This is just an absolutely amazing write. My favie lines:
that the thump-thump-thump of your youth
would cease to grow
and I was sad
very sad
and he must leave jesus on his cross
when he crawls back up the stairs
to my dingy book of washed up paragraphs
held stupidly close.
I'm almost sure your chest has changed underneath
since I stopped breathing through
my ultra-thin arteries-
standing over the pecker wood my daddy
likes to throw into the fire.
Those were just fuckin awesome. Your flow is wonderful, and the imagery is edgy, and yet very sad. Very nice write. I'm glad I found you again! ^.^
~Slip -
'how it falls and then plucks
a nose hair out of my nostril'
ewww. You have an odd taste in imagery. But that is cool.
'tumor started to erupt behind
my retina: always in shadow.'
sick ass image!
'standing over the pecker wood my daddy
likes to throw into the fire.'
This is such an odd end, and odd piece. You have an unusual way of presenting yourself. I liked this.
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I guess my poetry sometimes is like my soul...Unusual.
I have always found that a writings strength is in its longevity and I think that if we are able to touch base on a few primal feelings, be they passing or more, we can express with finalization and power. Thank you for the comment. It is much appreciated.
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I plugged him to you.
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I can understand this winning gold.
at the end i wanted to make the woody woodpecker song noise thingy...
adds to its benchland among places of bones!
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Hey you! I was just telling people how I was going to be gone from tomorrow till august the 30th...So it was nice to be able to read your words, right before I am gone for a week. You can make that noise at the end...I wouldn't mind. 
Thanks for your comment and glad to see you out and about.
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Well deserved gold. I have read this over and over and over and I am at a loss for words. It is full of great imagery and vivid metaphor and you tie all the parts of it together into a unified whole and the end result is an emotional gut-punch.
Pure talent on display here!
Garrison
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Why thank you Garrison. I will have to get around to your work at some point soon...I've seen you on my friend lively banter's page, so a friend of his, is a friend of mine. Thanks for the lovely comment.
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Well I think this is the first time me reading this one and again this was so breath taking...You have an amazing talent! That I wished I had...
~Stacey~
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Thank you Stacey. This one was deeply
personal for me and I'm glad you
enjoyed it. Big hugs.
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i think i've seen this before ... wow, you're breathtaking. i love:
you said someday I would be able to hold
weights against my heart:
that the thump-thump-thump of your youth
would cease to grow
and I was sad
very sad
i actually don't think this is vomit. but you did deserve gold, no doubt about it. i am so envious of your talent, james! can i have a strand of your hair? but not for ... dna ... or cloning ... or anything like that ... i am not, like, obsessive or anything ...
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You've seen it before? Perhaps you read it unintentionally earlier and just forgot. Yes, you can have a strand of hair and of course, if you were to make clones I would be super excited to see one.
Thanks for the comment. It was lovely.
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Would you be upset if I just said
I love this
so worthy of gold
♥Becky♥
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I would not...LOL. As you know, I sometimes say
very little when I comment too, so, there is certainly
no reason to apologize. Thank you Becky.
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Hmmm I thought I commented this. Anyway, I loved everything about it. There's not I can really be critical about, one because it was totally brill and two because everyone has gotten there for so Don't changge anything else... it's perfect the way it is, and sure to win something, if not gold
Jeanette*~
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LOL. I forget I am suppose to comment on things also and usually come around eventually, only to be reminded that my brain gave out and I must leave my thoughts... I don't think I would change anything at this point as it has been edited slightly already. It's as done as it ever will be. Thank you for all your reading. It's truly lovely.
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I knew it'd win gold!!
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Thanks for the congrats hun.
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I wish I was smart enough to leave a meaningful comment. Your work makes my own wee instrument seem so blunt.
Someday though, I will place another pebble in the cosmic hand and cease attempting to snatch the likes of yours.
This is chunky indeed!
Thanks for another five-reader, Bro.
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Bah! I'm sure even you internally know what a true wordsmith you truly are Rob. You can do whatever feels right for you, as long as you never stray from my watchful eye...
Thank you for the comment.
It is lovely when you stop in.
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The first stanza did it for me. And then it kept going and getting better. It's not ridiculously metaphoric, and though the emotions are heedy and raw, they are not overdone. Onerios might like the more in-your-face emotions, but I KNOW in my gut that it's the more quiet emotions, or at least those more quietly portrayed, that have the most punch.
This punched me in the best possible way. -
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I love how you both read poetry, in your own individual ways. I tend to agree with both of you actually...Sometimes I'll nail something to the wall and pick at it and other times, I will collect it, save it and figuratively eat it later for a snack. If it has no punch in some way, then it is dead...You are very right about that. Thank you for the kind words as I enjoyed them.
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Wow, what a journey this wonderful, moving poem takes me on! The imagery is vibrant in its clarity and resonant with feelings of love, loss and anger.
It has good rhythms and the tones vary throughout the poem as it moves along with its idiosyncratic details. The poem seems to move through a series of atmospheric changes.
There are good lines all throughout this poem and it holds together well in an anarchic kind of way.
Can't really think of anything that is wrong with it at the moment. It reads very well to me.
Best wishes,
myron.
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Hey thanks myron. As usual my family in different ways I illustrate in my writing...I seem to do a lot of soul searching and thinking when it comes to them and thus, this kind of poetry leapt out of me, without much hesitation. You are such a great reader and leave such great critiques on poetry and if you say there is nothing wrong with it, then there certainly probably isn't. Thank you always for your thoughtful comments.
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'I think this golden shape carried in my back pocket
has started to become me:'
Some of the best first lines to a poem I've read, in my opinion. Are you sure know how to go out with a bang... Talking about being wood and a fire...
I also love the religious imagery in the third stanza.
I'm bookmarking this.
~Cassie
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Thank you Cassie. This was one of those pieces that wrote itself with very little guidance from me, but I think sometimes that can help a poem, if you loosen your grip on it. Religious imagery has a tendency to pop into my work on more than one occasion...It's just my way, I guess.
Thanks for the bookmark and the comment.
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"dries itself in the blood and sweat and tears" - wonderfully ironic, I find.
"to reach higher forms of levity
I must be stricken at the knees with guilt" - love the contrast; the idea of levitation and the heaviness of guilt.
I like how this poem goes somewhere, it doesn't start an idea and not bother to finish it. The shape in the back pocket part is cleverly connected.
I also find the use of words such as "sad" and "stupidly" particularly effective here. It's an elegant write (if that makes sense) but when these words are slipped in I think it heightens the feelings of sadness and frustration. Almost like you blurted it out. Reminds me of the Darcy contest: controlled vomiting!
Yeahhhh, I ramble alot Mostly about entirely random things!
This is cracking poetry
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I sometimes deal with completion in poetry and other times, I will go for a more mysterious quality...But I think if we didn't do that, we would start to get stale. From reading your poetry, I know there is no need to explain.
This was actually a piece I considered bordering on prose almost, but not quite, which is why all those words kind of just slip neatly in there and don't feel cliché.
On another note, I love Darcy.
You can ramble all you want on my poetry as I often catch myself doing the same, if not more so...LOL.
"cracking poetry" huh? - Why thank you Allyce.
Your comment is much appreciated and quite
lovely to see here at 7:24 in the morning,
eastern time.
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"and he must leave jesus on his cross
when he crawls back up the stairs
to my dingy book of washed up paragraphs
held stupidly close."
Bloody fucking hell, I like that. -
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Why thank you Cinarry. This was one of those writes that needed to be written...If you know what I mean. I like the bluntness of your comment.
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You are most welcome. I get a poetry orgasm when I stumble across genius shit like this.
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You are too kind. But thank you very much.
"poetry orgasm"...That's poetry itself.
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You are a talented piece of shit
my friend.
'tis a good thing to have a talent, and wear it like a gold piece of parodying bling.
Or not.
LoL...
I cringe at the non-capitalizations of a month (August<--I have a feeling this is just your style & my pet peeve) and the lack of a hyphen in between "sixty-five"...which confuses me, because I remember in your collab with Cannonsfire, you used hyphens...
"I think this golden shape carried in my back pocket
has started to become me:"
"back pocket" really gives it a...'homely' isn't the right word, but it's the best I can think of...how about...something relate-able. Your subtle details of real life are done well. The "I think" is nice narrative & deceptive simplicity.
"you see it as a miracle- how it falls and then plucks
a nose hair out of my nostril"
I LOVE "you see it as a miracle"...you make your point w/o lovely pretentious words.
The nose hair thing...well, LMAO.
"though I must admit the belly opens up in august
drips out betty ford phrases and
dries itself in the blood and sweat and tears
of my undying love for you."
I want 'August' & "Betty Ford" capitalized so badly it hurts, but my anal retentive ass will have to leave it alone, because I have a feeling you don't give a shit about things that normally are uppercased.
Although...you capitalize your "I's" in this piece...Hmm.
"sixty five pounds of swiss chocolate"
sixty five==>sixty-five
I might have a hernia! Ahhh!! & a capitalization of 'Swiss'...pssh, what am I saying all this for? You don't care.
Good chocolate...very sabroso.
"and though I'm sure you
remember my face- you made it look like valentines."
Love that...the 'and' (normally dismissed as a filler word) totally works.
"that the thump-thump-thump of your youth"
The repetition of 'thump' reminds me of Lane's writing style.
"would cease to grow
and I was sad
very sad"
Again, deceptive simplicity that has tons of emotions burrowed...
"like somewhere that same day
a fucking tumor started to erupt behind
my retina: always in shadow."
This is the fucking shit right here.
"always in shadow" LOVEEEEEE THAT.
"I tell the priest to leave candle sticks
the séance will be preformed alone-"
If I'd written something like this, I'd put it on my "God is in the TV" list.
Love these 2 lines...
preformed...did you mean 'performed'? It makes more sense (to me) that way...
"he can not enter the room"
This is another pet peeve of mine that probably isn't one of yours. 'can' & not'...I like them seen together as 'cannot'. Bah!!
"jesus on his cross"
LoL at the non-capitalization of his name.
"you can make out the word "bitch"
carved into its splintered frame and though I
understand now more than ever"
Bitch!
"ultra-thin arteries"
Hmm, so you use a hyphen here, but not for "sixty-five".
*growls at you*
Your dad making a cameo...neato.
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Oh and as for "can not"...The whole piece is to be spoken out loud, in a very sure tone...That was why I chose it like that, otherwise, I might take that advice. Did I already say your comment fucking rocked? Well it did.
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Get used to them. They're really nothing.
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I will. And I certainly won't complain.
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I hate caps, yes I do...As I don't believe in any given form of absolute communication...Half the time I don't even cap my own name, it's my way, it's the e.e. cummings of my soul. However, sixty five does need a dash, I usually do adhere to those things, in a flow sense...so in that case, let me fix that right now. LOL...Yes, I meant "performed", how did no one else catch that but you... Well I'll tell you why...Because you broke it down piece by piece you wonderful reader. Yes, I do need a dash in sixty five, but as for caps, jesus can rot on his cross and stay lower case, like everyone else I feel should stay that way. I really enjoyed how you brought up ideas and then told me what you were feeling...Very neat. Please don't think you always have to leave such comments, but I also know that this is your way. "you are a talented piece of shit", why thank you, girl.
Again, what a comment!
Big hugs.
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I think you are the reason why I don't use capital letters nearly as much anymore.
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Rubbing off am I?
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Of course...like puppy fur
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I always leave comments like that... As you know.
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i love the intensity of the imagery in the final stanza. that one just stood out the most for me. the whole poem was consistently awesome though. the emotions just burst from your words. great stuff.
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Yes, this one did burst out of my soul and it just became me...It was like one of those episodes from a really good TV show that just had to be written, or at least, that's how it felt. I always love when you leave your thoughts because you say what you feel and that's awesome, to say the least. Again, thank you very much babes.
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I must be stricken at the knees with guilt:
he can not enter the room
not for any reason-
and he must leave jesus on his cross
This beat like a live thing, sputtering and gnawing at the reader, yet with such delicacy and devotion. The beginning was stunning as well as the second stanza, gathering in passion and pain as only your pen can urge. This entire piece was like the finest crystal known to man, each spray of light glinting a rainbow, ever-changing, ever-bright.
My heart breaks softly against your words...
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Yes it was alive when I wrote it and I thin it even still had a pulse. You see, I have learned that even the dead speak...They take their turns, but they do speak. And thought I miss so much, so many things, I miss time the most. I am glad you saw the passion here, the glinting of a rainbow and even yes, the heart breaking softly.
Thank you Darcy. Your words always
mean a lot to me. They always have.
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love this. have you seen the movie levity? it has kirsten dunst in it so its automatically a fantastic film.
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I love her as an actress, but I kind of like some of the older ones better, like stockard channing and yes, of course, meryl streep. I am a huge movie buff, so, anything with good acting will do for me. That is a good movie though. Thanks for the comment.
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meryl is so talented its ridiculous
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Oh she so is. It is ridiculous when you
consider the power she wields by merely
walking on screen...LOL.
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love is so blissfully torturous. beautiful darling.
♥
whisper
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Thank you again for your comment.
Yes, it is and it can be.
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mmm I like this load, and load, and loads into infinity. I like it when you take a little memory, and tilt it towards the sun, so it catches fire with light, and we can just be blinded by it. Last 2 stanzas slammed me into a wall. You know how much this means to me.
~Meg
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Well, you seem to know what I mean Meg, so yes, it does catch the light and blindness is the first step towards seeing. See what I mean though? Once you think you know my format and how I write, I throw a curve ball. I don't believe in staleness and I know you don't either.
Thank you.
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Gift I'm still receiving
I so love and hope
with me then in shadows
I protect for you or me?
Feeling the Dream ever
bigger than its promise
with or without you
there is fire in my heart
and the One who sets it.
Incapable of critique on your marvellous 'open windows' through which I could at present, most likely, project hosts of my own reflections.
Sol
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Emerald, that was beautiful.
Sometimes I am also incapable of saying things on your poetry and I think to have the words taken from our mouths is a good sign...It means we were deeply effected in some sense, and in that way only a few of us will ever understand. I am glad you can see your own reflections, that means more to me than a simple comment ever could.
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Then in such good heart, I can continue to read yours with nothing but enjoyment attached to the pleasure of doing so. Thank you so much!
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This one speaks to me... august hasn't been good to my.. it's winter here, and a winter of the heart too. There is so much i love about this poem but tonight I'm not really up to commenting - but i do know great poetry when i read it, and this is great. Your voice is always so authentic, James.
~ Nicolette
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Hey I hear you babes. I often don't find the inspiration to comment largely or say anything deeply significant and there is nothing wrong with that...It's not about how many comments are received or awards are give or even how many views you get...That is all lovely, but I care more about the expression and what it means to those who do take the time, like you. Thank you very much Nicolette.
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Wow James, this feels like August ... with its odd angles of light and hot shadows. But I feel a sense of cool October too ... a sliding or falling into memories that burn but don't smother. Beauifully done ol' hoss ... wanna see what other colors that Junebug has to offer
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Maybe october is a symbolism of the coldness that sometimes slides off the heart, when it is almost completely frozen. I think the memories are good to keep falling off the soul, that way I don't fall with them, ever downwards. Thank you darlin'. I love when you stop by my poem wall and you always now how to read me.
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oh my god. i love this so much. this is one of my favorite poems you have posted here. it just hits you in the heart like a bullet. so impactful. i'm glad you linked me to this or i wouldn't have seen it since you posted so much latey . i love you very much.
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Hey babes. Yes, two collabs and one new poem is a lot for me to post at once. I actually reached having like 19 poems on here...LOL. But I guess it's good as it allows people to see sides of me and learn about me that they might never get the chance to otherwise. I love you very much as well. We'll shall chat this evening. For certain. I'd say now, but I think your minute plan is up at the moment, right? Anyways, you know I love when you stop by my poem wall. I try to stretch my limbs and play around with forms, etc and I think I have done that. Well, you know me better than most anyone on this site so if you say it is one of my best, then it must be.
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August ....is a hell of a month for me.. it seems I lose too much during a time when I'm supposed be frolicking in the sun.. and August...has seen too many endings..
This reads so very personal.. and yet in spite of that of that I feel pieces here... and in places it reads like an exorcism.. the kind that can only be done alone, pulling out memories to examine them, bringing them to life, with all the color they once had,..to let them live, then bleed, then die...
perhaps because I myself seem to suffer from that affliction of having to stare myself straight in the eye.. I don't know, and I realize of course, that I really don't know... but what I love about this, is it doesn't matter whether or not I do.. because I can feel it..
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Oh god liza. It’s just like that actually. Sometimes I think I pull parts of these memories out of myself and they still have legs and they still scream and other times, I think, what do I really want to remember? How you lived, how this person became, how I became? And all of these things overwhelm my sense at once, like I am trapped in some form of self consciousness, always revolving, always taking a new color, like that of a beetle wing. When you read my work, I know you mean it and I know that each chosen word, is proof of that. We do have to stare ourselves in the eye as we can not avoid the little truths forever. There is no shame in admitting that I am damaged, that I have seen more than I want to see, but also, it is this incredible unending that will never see me fall...Not when I am still able to walk. Thank you liza. Your words mean so much to me. August is a month of memories for me as well and I think sometimes, I'd rather skip it altogether.
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I once wrote something called 'vivisection' as I often feel like that's exactly what I'm doing to myself.. digging around in search of how I got from 'there' to here. and how I've become who I am..
And many times I'm overwhelmed by it too, and I've given up pretending I'm not broken, as I know damn well I am.. but you know? I think that's the road some of us have to take to find the levity you speak of.. and like you I simply refuse to give up.. it's not in me, I am determined to heal.. no matter what it takes.. and determined not to take anyone down with me if that makes sense??
which might not... but ...yes august is a month I'd mostly rather skip too. Ironic...as my birthday is the first of the month..
Thank you, yours mean as much to me, even if I'm not very good at saying it most of the time
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Well I can wish you a happy birthday and hopefully that is one day that will not bring you such haunting thoughts. The reason I say happy birthday now is I have a habit of forgetting birthdays and like you said once, my memory is sometimes quite faulty. It works some days and then, it doesn't. No, we can not give up...I mean really it's that need to not give up which keeps us straining, always. I feel like when I turned 21 and while I was sort of away from this site, I found who I really was, or at least, what I feel I am...and in that enlightenment, I know what it means to take very delicate steps forward. I think you made perfect sense. My greatest hope in life is that I will be able to continue writing and being...I have no false dreams of being legendary, or remembered, or even bigger...I just want to be here and now and appreciate all these moments, good and bad. Though sometimes the bad is more memorable than the good, which is a curse we all share, I think. In any case once again you have opened my floodgates and brought tears to my eyes. So...I'm going to step off the site for awhile and just watch a little TV, perhaps get some rest...I know I'm like you and after I write something like the above, I feel drained.
You say so much when you do liza and even if you didn't, I would love you regardless. I think it is wonderful that we relate on a level of poetry and I think it is wonderful that you are in my life.
Thank you liza. For everything.
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Feels intensely personal here especially that final stanza where you bring the masculine influences back into it. Although the briefest mention but it makes it a strong ending. Unsure about the nose hair thingy I want to keep saying 'a nose hair out of nostrils' rather than just one although to pluck both would be extremely painful, I think perhaps it needs to be that painful? And as you do to me, I can say to you I can feel this under my skin, almost like an itch you had to scratch. Love, C
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Well, I thought just plucking one was like my way of sharing just a little bit of that inner me, out from underneath, brought forth onto the tweezers, but you could be right...Nostrils might work better. I will certainly sit and stew on it for a bit and see if the change works. Yes, this one was another of those intensely personal writes, of course, when isn't my stuff, right?
You are wonderful.
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mary wanted a lover and she got a calvary
and jesus wanted a father but he got a cross
and joseph wanted a wife but he got a saint
and heaven seen from here is nowhere to be found
and people wanted a god but they've got all that
and the word lord lost its essence and slowly became synonim to bitch
don't blow my candle I have my own lips and carbon monoxide supply
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I sing alleluia to that. a-fucking-men.
I blew a candle out once
but it caught my eyelashes on fire
and every now and then
my eyeball collapses.
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and god's human dimension is man
and man's divine dimension is human
but human's godly dimension is woman...
there's only gravity
attraction
there is no up and down
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Looking up!
A slap in my face to keep me conscious of what you say.
Quite tricky to comment. Leave it for the future when my brain cells can soak it all up.
Congrats in advance for I know you can never be wrong.
Bias? hell no, Thank God I don't have to judge this one.
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Well it's not in a contest, as I don't usually enter them, rarely I do I guess...But feel free to return to my work as many times as you want. It's certainly not going anywhere. I love when you stop by Jai. You flatter me, but I am sure I am wrong most times...LOL.
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