To know that life, its silk around us spins,
Though we as worm do creep along its thorn;
We wait the greater form to shed our sins
Who ‘woke from clay ‘neath angles’ fiery lens,
Yet took a ride on serpent’s tongue forlorn;
To know that life, its silk around us spins?
Descend O earthen heart to make amends
Before the Father’s arms from which we’re torn
We wait the greater form to shed our sins
Yet love before creation’s song begins,
Would lavish us and with pure grace adorn
To know that life, its silk around us spins
And turned by purest Love, our hearts He wins
Awak’ning praise from unclean lips reborn
We wait the greater form to shed our sins
Cocooned in saving grace, here called His friends
But long the more to hear prophetic horn
To know that life, its silk around us spins
We wait the greater form to shed our sins
Author notes
Villanelle
Iambic Pentameter
Free verse version - http://allpoetry.com/poem/4497991
In a list
- Beautiful Words by Beautiful People I Know • next in list
- AP Writers You Should Know About • next in list
A contest entry
- POETS SURVIVOR 3 -- Round Five, A by Poets Survivor 3.
1000 points, ended August 25, 2008, 4 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
Good Lord...you write in form, too??? 
Magnificence. I love the villanelle, but have not attempted to compose one, being a free verse devotee such as I am. This is wonderful, Brian. I didn't read the other entries, but this would have won the gold in most contests, I'm sure you must realize. Congratulations on your accolades. Most well deserved they are, as well. I loved your title for this piece - many titles could easily be poems of their own volition and grandeur. I can see now that everything I read from your talented quill will promptly be placed upon my lists. Hope you don't mind the vast publicity. 
-
I thought this was just beautifully written. It had power in the controlling cuplet and the rhythm and rhyme were just wonderfully executed. The use of this form to convey such a deep and compelling topic was captivating and engaging, overall a very intelligent piece that was quite emotionally appealing as well. Great work
Hugs, Bunny
-
I loved the story of this, and the beautifully done "meaty" doctrine. Your controlling couplet to me was absolutely the strongest element of the piece. For me, it bore all the qualities--but best of all, each repetition took on a different meaning, some were nuances, some were completely different to my reading. EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT. That was totally what I was looking for in the couplet.
I felt there were a couple of grammar issues. For perfection, begin, might have been "begun," but of course that would have thrown off the rhyme. The line with all the apostrophes was a bit cumbersome during the first couple of reads until I got used to it. There was nothing incorrect about it, only made the pace slower as I tried to figure it out.
I thought your rhyme was excellent. I speak hillbilly, too. So when I first read this, i thought the rhyming was creative and excellent. I do realize the pronunciation differences from region to region which might make it imperfect, but, in my reading, it sang.
You have taken a lot of deep theology and woven it into these beautiful images and story. Just wonderfully done!
-
I think it takes a very talented writer to fully explore the presence of God in our lives without sounding trite and sacchrine. I know you have ventured outside your comfort level with this villanelle, and in the interest of making it sound like classical French poetry you have made some of the wording a little awkward. The opening (and therefore refrain) line is a bit of a tongue twister and unnecessarily complex. I loved the juxtaposition of "silk" and "worm" stressing that great beauty can come from lowly circumstance. The concluding stanza reinforced this metaphor with "cocooned in saving grace". I wish you continued success in the Poets Survivor Challenge. Peace, Liz
-
This is powerful in message and content. With Villanelle, the anchor lines are your driving force that keep the momentum of the poem. Though mechanically, your verse is sound, I think your anchor lines would have been even stronger written something like this:
to know the silk of life around us spins
awaiting greater form to shed our sins.
You definitely have a strong message and your Villanelle builds in tempo and urgency completing in your final quatrain.
However, I dislike the use of inverting words to make the rhyme work.
Lines like: Though we as worm do creep along its thorn;
can be more effective as:
We are the worms who creep along its thorn.
Keeping it more C21 has its advantages to readers in understanding and easier flow when reading.
Your rhyme, syllable count and meter are on target making the mechanics of this form good.
All in all, a strong message and a good villanelle. I am looking forward to reading your free verse presentation of this poem. ~Pamela 
-
lovely comparison of silkworm and humankind; we creep along life with its difficulties. "To wait the greater form to shed our sins" would be the enlargement of understanding, the perception that change 'to a greater form' is our design and therefore desirable, or awaiting the "greater form" of a Messiah to initiate changes.
Second stanza speaks of creation. I don't understand "'neath angles' fiery lense." While lens angles can cause convergence of light to the point of heat or even combustion, I didn't 'get' the connection in relation to "woke from clay." Excellent "took a ride on serpent's tongue forlorn," the deception in Eden. Here, it seems the "silk" may be experience of mortality.
The loving mercy of God. In great gift, He invites, calls, commands, yet leaves choice in our individual hands.
Conclusion, that growth and change come about through saving grace. The more we become like Him, love what He loves, choose what He chooses, the greater our confidence before God, and happy anticipation of reunion and resurrection.
VILLANELLE
4/5 Understandability
5/5 Originality
2.5/5 Rhyme-Correct Pattern ('a' rhyme: lense, amends, and day do not rhyme with "spins.")
5/5 Meter – Written either in CONSISTENT Iambic tri- tetra- or pentameter
4.5/5 Strong Opening Refrain (lines 1 and 3)
5/5 Correct Line/Stanza Order
5/5 Story has opening, development, and ending
5/5 Builds in Intensity
4.5/5 Overall Emotion/Impact/General appeal
2.5/5 Grammar and Punctuation (I believe the comma after "life" L1 is unnecessary, and end line 3 could use period. Stza 3, comma after Descend and heart, semicolon after L7 and period after L8. No comma after L10, add comma end L13, semicolon end L14, period end L15. End L17 semicolon or period.)
43/50 Total
-
Gorgeous!
-
Are you talking about God?
Well, anyways...this is definitely a departure from what I usually read of yours--I don't recall seeing you write form poetry before...but you seem to have done it well.
I liked "prophetic horn" (will probably steal that eventually) & the repetition of the title.
Good luck
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
