the dogs keep
barking and
the neighbors
are drinking again.
their kids throw
rocks at the
cars that pass
and I feel bad
about the things
I said to you.
they were mostly
true and I don't
usually care about
the dejected way
your body moves
when I'm amused at
your expense.
but this was
different. and
now the children's
father is beating
them again and
their mother
is begging him
to please stop. but
she won't call
the cops like she
never does.
the fuss over
who is right
is getting old.
the bolded words
of your letter
telling me we're
better off this way.
with me on my own
and you on
the road with
a cheap guitar.
the bars stay
open late for
a singer like
you.
they're not
moving now. the
sounds of sirens
ache over the
hill and through
the fields of corn.
he spits
and sips another
taste of wine
but I am not
horrified
this time.
you'll come back
and I'll make you cry.
still the abusive wife
that hates you.
Author notes
it's shocking...how much some people are willing to put up with.
Any advice is welcome
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
-
I liked this a lot. It's simple so anyone can understand but still has your amazing poetic touch
A good story (you write THE best story poems!!) and I didn't even notice the fillers. I think it's a part of your style and it fits you, and this piece, perfectly. Great job 
Jeanette*~
-
dunno about that last stanza. other than that, well done.
i disagree with the comment below. yes, some people over use the fillers. however, some people know how to deliver well without a minimalist approach. and their are those who apply a minimalist style to their words. it's your own personal choice. i don't agree with referring to this as not being a poem or not being presentable.
-
I know you might get offended but nobody is trying to point out to you what is wrong with this piece. The repititive use of fillers "the, and, but" made this piece a little bit awkward. It seems that you just break one sentence in to lines to sound it the so called poem. You are narrating an event.
The first stanza perhaps if carefully edited will be something like this;
the dogs keep
barking and
the neighbors
are drinking again.
dogs keep barking
neighbors are drinking again....
and the rest of stanzas of course. A little toning will make this piece presentable
Goodluck! -
I find the dead pan reporting
of the horrendous abuse happening around the N, her lack of emotional response mirrored in the description of her own abusive relationship quite chilling. One gets the impression from the scanty allusions to trailer-park poverty that domestic violence is just another acceptable way of life. It better to abuse than be abused and she hates the victim for allowing himself to be victimized. I would like to see you develop the emotional complexities of the situation you describe and maybe touch on the possible reason for the victim 's acceptance of the abuse such as guilt and atonement or whatever. Along with the excellent suggestions you have already received I would add that maybe you should lengthen the lines to complete thoughts to avoid choppiness. End line words carry a lot of weight, best to choose them carefully.
-
yes this is a situation that happens everyday, somewhere and although my situation wasn't abusive it was one I refused to stay in lol although it took me years until i did it. This is powerful but could use some tweaks, some filler words I don't think you need.
she won't call
the cops like she
never does.
I'd remove the 'like' put in a : then just 'she never does' makes it a statement of fact.
you'll come back
and I'll still
make you cry.
and I'll still be
the abusive wife
that hates you.
This final stanza try it without 'still'
you'll come back
and I'll make you cry
still the abusive wife
that hates you
Not necessary for the two of them but one is ok..the ending stronger because we are aware of how much you hate this man.
Hope I haven't offended, it's your piece but its just some suggestions. I am really enjoying reading you.
C
-
-
yep, your last stanza sounds better than mine. I'll fix that.
-
-
very...very powerful and the imagery settles into the wounded reality that we often see and always stiffened by our limitations as individuals and the words 'respect' and 'privacy'.
thanks for sharing.
-
I'm thoroughly impressed with this poem. -BlackKnight- sent me here, and I'm glad I came by. You do simplicity well, and I admire that. It paints a clear portrait of many a person's life. I love this poem's raw truth. Sad and bitter...
well done.
-joan.
.
-
-
thank you. Jason is a very talented writer himself.
-
-
I agree. He's a favorite.
-
-
-
You're right. Your words are simple, but you paint a picture with them. You don't spend much detail, but this lets the reader in just enough to identify something within themselves. I really liked how you kept bantering back and forth between what thoughts are running through the person's head and what's going on around them.. It gives a good reflection of the chaos going on, inside and out. I loved the honesty in this person's stream of conciousness as they watch events that are speckled with lies beneath their surface. Hm, my comment is sort of rambling. I really like this piece, though.
-
you'll come back
and I'll still
make you cry.... i love the honesty in that. simple but still in your face. and sad like . great piece executed perfectly... thanks for sharing!!!
-
-
Thanks
-
-
i love this.
-
-
thank you
-
-
you never cease to amaze me.
-
-
I always appreciate your comments.
-
-
I'm not sure if this is "minimalism", but what I can tell you is that it is deeply engaging. I would say it expresses more than a minimal write as it develops a format and forms a cohesive unit...Where my idea of minimal would be just like your last stanza, with nothing else. Anyways, that's not the point here, the point is that you have torn something from you that carries impact and for that, I think you have something truly unique. I do want to mention that you could go back through and trim some filler words, at your discretion of course, and this would burn even more effectively. This went down little steel screws and thumb tacks and rips the stomach lining. There might even be a tear forming in my black heart.
;
-
-
Thanks for the comment. I had to look up minimalism to be honest. And I started (if you can tell from the first stanza) this off simple but it did kind of grow I guess. I'll definitely take out some of the fillers you were talking about. I caught them reading it out loud.
-
-
Yes, that happens. When we start with something and it ends up being something else, or evolving and there is nothing wrong with that of course, but I'm not sure this still could be consider minimal...I don't know, perhaps I am wrong. We take a chance when we write regardless. Oh goodies! I wasn't crazy then when I caught some extra words...Glad I mentioned it.
You're welcome.
-
-
-
holy cow, what a powerful write! you had my attention from the get go. The ending of your poem is heart wrenching, and really leaves the reader gasping. Very very well done. Love, Lane
-
-
Thanks
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 22 of 22
