My fingers play
over soft fur and hard bone
caressing a rabbit’s foot
because prayers
may not be enough.
As the surgeon wheels you away,
I smile through the glass,
my tears making a prism that
gives you many faces.
I watch as you travel the hall
pretending this is routine,
that I am merely sending
you off on the school bus;
you wave to me from
the backseat
like any other morning.
A hand at my elbow pilots me
to the waiting room
where anxious strangers scarf
donuts and coffee,
and veil their faces
behind Woman’s Day
And National Geographic.
The angel of death businessman
consults his watch by the minute,
drums his briefcase insistently,
while I attempt to cram
my fear into a matchbox.
Author notes
Coffeehouse Prompt - Word bank #5: Rabbit's foot, surgeon, glass, bus, pilot, scarf, backseat, veil, businessman, matchbox.
A contest entry
- Constructive Criticism by zillion.
1600 points, ended August 10, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I appreciate constructive criticism but NOT arrogant rudeness.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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wow.......speechless...where have you been hiding?!!..I haven't read much from you lately..but I love where you take this!!..great take on the word bank...wonderful job!! lovelovelove this!
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Attempt cram your fear into a matchbox. That is so clear and concise for the feelings of one who waits with anxiety at the hospital while a loved one is in surgery. The story line is certainly most familiar to anyone who has and the feelings.
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Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I appreciate your taking the time to read my work.
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The only suggestions I can see would be to omit "the" from line 2, and possibly change "anxious relatives scarf" to "anxious strangers scarf", increasing the sense of isolation that you have built so well, and re-inforcing the "veil their faces behind [magazines]". One would expect relatives to be huddled together for mutual support and encouragement.
You have done a lovely job with your edits, and this sounds like the voice of experience. Excellent least stanza, and outstanding "I attempt to cram my fear into a matchbox. Strong write.
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After reading the previous comments, I really like the changes you have made to it compared to the quotes. It does read smoother. The last stanza is beautiful. I think the most important thing about a poem is how it ends, and this poems ends lovely.
One thing though "glassy tears" is pretty cliche'. Maybe there is something else you could replace that with?
I adore the story-like quality. It makes it more interesting and relatable.
um....
"A businessman,
looking like"
I think those lines could be removed. Have it start at 'the angel of death'. I think the description of him will be enough to know that he is actually a businessman.
Nice either way though. -
I like it. The edits make it flow better. It's much 'grabbier'
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Ooooh... ok, this one is really good. It has a gravitas, a weightiness to it.
I love love love (yup, that's three loves) these lines:
"while I attempt to cram
my fear into a matchbox."
I soooo know what that feels like, and it's a brilliant description of that feeling. Bottling it all up, like nothing is wrong when you're twisting like a hurricane inside.
I also really love the opening stanza. I think it might be good to personalize it by saying "My fingers" as opposed to just fingers. emphasize the 'personal-ness' of the poem.
This piece is very much in your style, and it seems like a very personal one, so I hope you're not offended by my suggestions.
I find that some of your images repeat themselves. I think you could get more punch out of rewording them slightly. Typically in free-verse, less is more. The more you can punch me with your images, and grab me in fewer words, the more I'm going to love it. (or love love love it, as in the above case...)
I really hate it when people re-write my work... so this is strictly an EXAMPLE, I'm not saying I'm right, just illustrating what I mean:
"A businessman
in an expensive suit,
looking like
the angel of death,
consults his watch by the minute,
drums his fingers on a briefcase,"
the image feels bogged down in the wordiness, it doesn't just immediately spring into my head. it could be snappier... something like...
The angel of death,
in his tailored suit,
drums his briefcase idly,
consulting his watch by the minute
or:
"where anxious relatives ...
... veil their faces with
back issues of Woman’s Day
And National Geographic.
could be...
anxious relatives wear veils,
of woman's day,
and national geographic
When it comes to free verse, typically less is more. There is no need to explicitly spell out all of our images, and metaphor. As a reader of poetry, I'm not expecting it to be literal.
The comparisons are more powerful at conveying your image if I (the reader) needs to do a bit of mental legwork to put it together, without knowing that's what I had to do. I have to 'see' it your way. It gives me the sense of "Oh my god, I know EXACTLY what she's talking about" because you've helped me to see it on my own. I feel gratified that I can identify with your way of seeing things. -- Just like you did with the cramming fear into a matchbox bit. (did I mention I loved that bit?) When it's all spelled out, it's not as fun.
Many antlers! Six antlers in fact!
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Thank you for the detailed comments.
I have made some changes to this. Perhaps you can read through it again and let me know what you think.
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