Water cools my ankles
as I step gingerly on
sharp pink shells.
Skin-deep beauties
slather suntan lotion
and reassemble their
long, lithe limbs for display.
My feet shift in wet sand,
my thighs a battlefield of
goose bumps and cellulite.
One of the bathing beauties
snickers, “Have you called Jenny?”
Her friends titter and chirp.
Heedless of the frigid
waves, I dive below
the surface.
A contest entry
- I hope I never feel this... by Cannonsfire.
1750 points, ended August 21, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
All comments are appreciated!
Comments
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I like the metaphor, and I see where you're going with it. It doesn't really resonate with me though. I may just not be the target audience!
I had a couple of little hangups.
The phrase 'lithe limbs' sticks out a bit for me. The alliteration seems a bit out of place. When I read it aloud, it seems to flow better without 'Lithe', it seems like an extra syllable, either that or it's a syllable short. If I stick in an extra syllable there, it also seems to flow.
The quote: "Have you called Jenny" - I don't think it pulls in the audience enough. I think something more... colloquial and insipid might give it a little more punch. Something like a phrase you hear those teeny-boppers utter ad nausium that really drives you crazy... something like... "Like, oh my god!" or some other really readily identifiable auditory queue to go with your really great visual imagery. It could also give a tie in that the beach bimbos could be making some kind of surface judgment commentary about the subject of your piece. Make me grit my teeth, and squirm a little at how awful those girls are. I think it will make the reader identify with the piece more.
I really like the lines:
"My feet shift in wet sand,
my thighs a battlefield of
goose bumps and cellulite."
They're very evocative. I'm not usually a very visual person, but these lines really give me a powerful visual image.
I also really like:
"Heedless of the frigid
waves, I dive below
the surface—"
I feel like the last line takes away the mystery a bit. It really spells out the metaphor. Maybe too much? I think it works really well using 'dive below the surface' as your last line, or if you feel like it's not complete there you could extend the metaphor, and add something about touching the bottom... or something, I donno.
Overall, it's a great concept, and a strong piece. It could use a couple of tweaks.
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I love this metaphor. So cleverly done! I wish I had thought of it myself
Beauty is defenitely more than skin-deep. Good luck in the contest!
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awww awesome write, and good luck in the contest
this poem as alot of depth for the prompt shallow
hehe, okays, well take care
Stephanei ♥
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This I like, we wade in shallows but end up finding what lies beneath.
C
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