The heavens cry with the angels tears
As the dark clouds move across the sky
Senses of longing and desertion come to the fore
As she watches the waves move in and out
The tides taking you away
Once you walked this path
Stable by her side
Never once showing
That your demons were growing
That you needed help...
Why wouldn’t you let her help?
Abandoned
She is the only one left standing
Knowing the lies are not true
You did not leave; drive away
You died here as you said you would
At the place we first kissed
Author notes
http://negateven.deviantart.com/art/Perpetuum-Mobile-25661853
A contest entry
- Individualized pics #4 by notorious.
2239 points, ended August 19, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
this comes from my thawing heart.. can you hear it beat?
Comments
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You use a lot of filler words.
e.g. with, the, and as well as an overdose of adverbs (e.g. you, she)
Also...your title would probably sound snappier if it was "Shelter from the storm", as oppose to using the -ing version of 'shelter'. Just my personal opinion, but I think "Shelter from the storm" has more pizazz. Or even, "Storm's Shelter" for more brevity.
"with the angels tears"
See, here is the first instance of unnecessarily using 'with' & 'the'.
You could easily say something like:
"The heavens cry angel tears"
Also...since you use the plural form of 'angels', it should be==>angels' with the apostrophe at the end.
"Senses of longing & desertion"
Okay, another unnecessary use of 'and'. Do you understand my point?
It could easily be==>"Longing & desertion to fore"
There are several other instances where words could be shaved to less...get your point across better & in a shorter amount of time.
I also think "Abandoned" could be on its own separate stanza. More impact...?
Last thing I'd like to say that you may or may not ignore...capitalizing the beginning of each line has a bit of a ho-hum feel. Not only does it give a traditionalist aspect that is a little unappealing, but it also breaks up the flow. Some thoughts are cohesive with others, so why do you need to capitalize the beginning of each line?
Just something to think about or ignore.
Good luck
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this my dear sweet daughter, does not suck by any means. Don't remove this poem or mommy is coming to find you.. I know where you live
.. this is a very emotional poem, one that I found to be very sad, tugs at the heart strings, and gives them a good old tugging on..
good luck in the contest
mommy
I love you
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