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Perfection..

Life's flesh peeled
like an abomination fighting for freedom,
slices of laughter whisper unto the night,
as beauty becomes vampiric in thought,
sucking the sighs of love's first breath

Painted with fingers made of surgical gloves,
removing the perfect imperfection from sculpted beauty,
as she sits upon Leandaro's easel

Slaying Demons of inner struggles,
liquid runs with every bitter
truth of ugly age

As soft touch from gentle fingers probe for
cancerous lumps to remove,
love's sin is made apparent
like a stake through the dead
heart of the maker.

Past melodies of Venus' beauty
pale and mythic in grace,
thread weaves lying exhales

Questionable beauty
in a melting world of induced hallucinations

Author notes

http://z.about.com/d/realitytv/1/0/G/U/TopModelKyleGallery4.jpg
http://chiprocks1.deviantart.com/art/Buffy-Poster-56418407
I used both prompts.. The buffy one with suitable hints..Lol


Ok I really know that my muse is dead with this write..Lol. Sorry!!! I TRIED!!!!! I almost pulled out of this contest.. Lol. maybe I should have! lol.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 42 of 42

  • notorious gold member
    August 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Leandaro's===>Leonardo's

  • notorious gold member
    August 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    easil==>easel
    I like the stake thing...cracks me up


    • Angelflower
      August 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Glad you liked it..Lol. I was like.. hmm, theres not enough Buyy in this write lol.

      • notorious gold member
        August 17, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        There's not enough Buyy?<--what does that mean?


        • Angelflower
          August 17, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          I meant buffy!!! Lol. leave me alone I've had a loong night and a shorter day .. I hate drunk people..


          • notorious gold member
            August 17, 2008

            Edit | Reply
            OH...I LOVE Buffy!! Hugs, not drugs...or alcohol.
            Though...I'm not a fan of hugs either.

  • notorious gold member
    August 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Ok...start using br with <> around


  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    August 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A pensive piece dear, I happen to think it is a most worthy entry, loved the metaphor and your elocution is topnotch.


    All the best,
    With much love,
    mj.


  • notorious gold member
    August 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I rather like this.

    "Life's flesh peeled away"
    This makes me think of oranges being peeled. I have no idea why...maybe because I just wrote "Sailor Tangelo"? LoL...I think you could expand on this...maybe (possibly?) build on that fruit aspect I just mentioned...You don't have to though.

    "Like an abomination fighting for life."
    Okay...the beginning of this line is capitalized for no apparent reason. It connects with the opening line, so lowercase that 'l' in the beginning.

    Also...the first word in this poem is "Life's". I wouldn't use 'life' in the end of this simile.

    "Slices of laughter heard in the night"
    I like "Slices of laughter". Again, makes me think of fruit. "heard in the night" could be replaced with something more...unconventional.

    "as beauty becomes vampiric in thought"
    HAHAHAHAH!!!
    I rather like that. It ties in with the aforementioned night (though I still think you should rephrase that phrase before)...It's hilarious.

    "loves first breath.."==>love's first breath...
    Possessive form.
    Also...you used .. instead of THREE periods for the ellipsis. Please change that.

    Or actually, get rid of the ellipsis entirely. I think only 1-2 ellipses should be used in a poem...if you use more than that in a poem (not including comments of course! ), it seems less significant. Just my thoughts.

    "Painting with fingers made of surgical gloves."
    Okay...the 'P' should be in lowercase, since it connects with the line above.

    "perfect imperfection"
    Hmm. Brings PerfectImperfection to mind--fabulous poet!!

    "every word whispered"
    Maybe change to==>every whispered word
    I dunno, I think that has better flow.
    Maybe.

    "of ugly truths & bitter ages..."
    You use ellipses when you actually don't need to. I think this would be better w/o one.

    "prob"==>probe
    Typo I'm sure...missed the 'e'.

    "for loving is a sin..."
    I don't think you need an ellipsis here either.

    "Venuses beauty"==>Venus' beauty
    Or even "Venus beauty".

    "pale & mythical in grace.."
    Incomplete form of the ellipsis with only 2 periods. I don't think this needs an ellipsis either.

    "Try to achieve such perfection/
    in an imperfect world.."
    Again, incomplete form of the ellipsis and again, I don't think it's needed!

    Plus...you have already said "perfect imperfection"...repetition is OK sometimes, but I think you could think of something snazzier.

    Good luck & tell me when you make edits/expansions

  • notorious gold member
    August 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I will eat dinner & then comment.


  • poppa
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful write... I got the impression of trying to defy aging... and not being happy in ones own skin...loving the imagery...good luck


  • Riamh
    August 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Sweet, your muse is so not dead! It's a terrific piece. Well done!


  • Cannonsfire
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Well speaks to me about a person in turmoil with her life, trying to make sense of a senseless situation. Feels personal sissy. C

  • notorious gold member
    August 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Is the pic okay? I love it

  • notorious gold member
    August 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    hehe

    http://z.about.com/d/realitytv/1/0/G/U/TopModelKyleGallery4.jpg

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