Flickering wings,
flower petals blowing in unison
with the hummingbird's dance.
The pink of your flower
dying your insides
the color it was meant to be,
striking internal lightning.
Cold-blooded, blue blood.
Author notes
http://ceciliaroze.deviantart.com/art/Humbird-91301485
A contest entry
- Individualized pics #4 by notorious.
2239 points, ended August 19, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Oh yeah. "hummingbirds dance"==>hummingbird's dance...
Or if you want it to be more than one hummingbird...
"hummingbirds' dance" -
"The pink of your flower" could be on a separate stanza I think...Makes it look cleaner.
"with the dancing of the hummingbird."
Lots of unneeded extra words...e.g. 2 'the's, of
Could be changed to something LIKE:
e.g. "to the hummingbird's dance/polonaise/serenade/some other word"
"dying your insides/the color it was meant to be."
Strikes me as intriguing...you could definitely expand on this concept.
"Cold blooded"
A hyphen maybe?
Good luck -
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Fixed it up! =]
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"striking lightning inside."
Interesting...lots of imagery for sure.
But maybe:
"striking internal lightning"
Or something...that relates to mentality?
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http://ceciliaroze.deviantart.com/art/Humbird-91301485
Will give you the opportunity to use one of my favorite words I think.
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