Feel of the water beneath my feet,
ripples and sways as if in defeat,
of a drop ever touching my knees.
Like a warm summer drop from the sky,
liquid sunshine falling far and wide,
shaking wet hair in the cool breeze.
Just run, jump in, splash around,
this man made wonder of a pool,
swim, turn, duck under,
this enormous cool.
Cascading water in your happy face,
flowing over the body with sensual grace,
in your world its water, the happy place.
Author notes
Ok I took the water theme!!. I would like real opinion on this, if it needs work then tell me, if it needs nothing then tell me that too. I hope you like it.
A contest entry
- Form Poetry & Options by Cyclical.
900 points, ended August 25, 2008, 6 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I want honest opinions on this.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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congratulations on a well deserved shiny green trophy for this fun write that makes me long to be in the swimming pool on a sunshiny day
thank you for sharing and keep up the good work
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damn this poem makes me want to go sailing.It is playfull and sensual compelling to dream.
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This poem really soothes the soul. i can almost taste the water! you did a great job
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This was beautiful, light and airy!
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Oh. This is a cool little poem that you have penned in here. I think that it's the perfect time for having a poem like this because it's so hot at this part of summer. Or lestways, it is where I live. I liked how you made it playful and light. You did a good job of expressing yourself here.
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Thank you so much!!
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Outstanding
I liked the third stanza and the last stanza a lot. theese were the strongest in this poem. I think you need to think a bit more about what your saying- does it really make sense - the second stanza for instance - the metaphor was not very effective. One drop - of what exactly although I liked the last line. A part from this it is a good poem that should do well. Best of luck in the contest
. Rewarded 6
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Good, only I don't think it flowed well enough... and by the way, I saw this contest earlier and I think you might want to write a form poem instead. It was all okay except for the very last stanza, especially the words "happy place", which can be totally misinterpreted.
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OK, you asked for it. First of all, the contest holder is looking for the topic(your choice of three) in one of three forms (Kyrielle,Sonnet or Villanelle). Your poem could become a sonnet with a little work. You have several of the rhymes already.
Now for the poem itself, mind you I am in no way a poetic expert, but rhyme and flow play an important part in my opinion.
The first three lines, 10, 9, 11 syllables rhyming aab
It read a little jerky to me. I would trim out two words, one from the first and one from the third line.
Make them all 9 syllables,
"Feel of the water beneath my feet,
ripples and sways as if in defeat,
of a drop ever touching my knees."
Smoothly flowing aab first stanza,
which then should have been followed by a
ccb second stanza, but you didnt rhyme the first two lines. It threw me off. You have the slant rhyme with "wide" in the middle of the second line, syllable count: 6, 11, 7. Quite a jump there.
Ok lets try this:
"Feel of the water beneath my feet,
ripples and sways as if in defeat,
of a drop ever touching my knees."
"Like a warm summer drop from the sky,
liquid sunshine falling far and wide,
shaking wet hair in the cool breeze."
This next stanza flows the best of the whole poem,
syllable count: 8,7,5,5.
I would change one thing, put "this" the last word of line one as the start of line two.
Just run, jump in, splash around,
this man made wonder of a pool,
swim, turn, duck under,
this enormous cool.
OR
Just run, jump in, splash around,
this man made wonder of a pool,
swim, turn around, duck under
this enormous summer cool.
Either way would work since you changed rhyme schemes.
Now, the fourth stanza, what can I say about it?
Only one thing, why is it there? I thought we were talking about a pool, and then horizons and saltiness?
Now I'm at the ocean? and nothing in it rhymes unless you count the internal shining and blinding?
Drop it in my opinion.
Now the big finish, stanza 5, OK, we got monorhyme going on here, that will work, lets place it right shall we?
Cascading water in your happy face,
flowing over the body with sensual grace,
in your world its water, the happy place.
Taaa Daaaa... finished, lets have a look shall we?
Feel of the water beneath my feet,
ripples and sways as if in defeat,
of a drop ever touching my knees.
Like a warm summer drop from the sky,
liquid sunshine falling far and wide,
shaking wet hair in the cool breeze.
Just run, jump in, splash around,
this man made wonder of a pool,
swim, turn, duck under,
this enormous cool.
Cascading water in your happy face,
flowing over the body with sensual grace,
in your world its water, the happy place.
Flows much better in my opinion, still keeping your imagery and adding a smidgen more.
Just trying to help since you asked.
Scott
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Thank you very much for the honesty..I admit it does sound a lot better. Thanks again and I'm glad you liked it.
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Beautiful...
I Love This Poem. It Really Captures The Essence, Of Such A Pure Element...
Great Work! -
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Thanks everyone for your wonderful replies.
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