Your last tear
tasted of pure sea
in the days when sea was fresh;
and still,
how that salt lingers
strong
upon my tongue,
far beyond the downing
of the cruellest shot
and all their cleansing lime
of wrong.
Your hands:
I saw them reaching
in surreal, so strange, ballet.
Monochrome,
I see one now,
white rose petal fingers
anemone in flow,
slender dance
your porcelain arm
aglow.
Your words,
spewed out
a wordless poem,
writ glistening in lines
on palest, percale cotton skin,
where pretty grace
and all her sighs
had come to die
within.
Your fall,
like bursting water
unleashed from
surrendering dam;
pouring useless flesh
over fading
dreams
and the final scream
of then ....
that
passion raged
a holocaust dirge,
one last erupting animal urge,
tornado twisting
death-throe drown
preserved for now
in endless sound
of almost
every din.
Then,
I recall -
a tumbling, sunlit,
backwards fall
as I watched your beauty
shrivel small,
collapsed within a vacuous fear
and in your scream,
my name was loud,
as their bullet sucked
my earthly cloud
from a hole
near my deafening ear.
I died right there -
in her porcelain arms,
my last taste -
one bittersweet tear,
that spilled out its love
on a freedom blessed soul
as I waited for God to appear
as I waited for God to appear.
Author notes
For Radovan Karadžić
A contest entry
- Dead Inside by XxSuicidal-LovexX.
1500 points, ended August 9, 2008, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything you want...Show me Your Best Poems..I need inspiration..PW's Welcome! by Hetha.
2100 points, ended August 20, 2008, 159 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your BEST of everything prewrites!!! by perfectsunset.
475 points, ended September 16, 2008, 79 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Speak out! by Luna Argintie.
930 points, ended September 9, 2008, 205 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Write a modern classic war poem. by BabyBun.
700 points, ended February 26, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Cry by ladybug..
650 points, ended May 31, 62 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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Very beautiful. My favourite part was the description of hands:
"Your hands:
I saw them reaching
in surreal, so strange, ballet."
It made the poem real.
Thank you for entering. -
Gorgeous poem - thanks and good luck!
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wow this is one powerful piece of poetry you have penned here, you can feel the pain and sadness, and dispare as you read it, but at the end there is hope, great work, best of luck in the contest
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Thanlk you so much for this comment - I really appreciate it. L&P, Kezz
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Great imagery!
Very powerful work of imagery and compassion. Just a darn good work Kezz! I commend you for that. THANKS again!!
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Wow.. this was just deeply beautiful. Definately touched me. Powerful words and strong imagery that
just sticks to your mind long after being read.
Exceptional piece!
Thanks for entering & best of luck
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Thank you so much for your comment and for the the HM in your competition. I'm glad you enjoyed. K
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Okay, it submitted it (possessed website!) before I could add in claps.
I was also going to say that I'm noticing a theme on a lack of world peace and love... or rather, a theme against ethnic cleansing and war.
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First, I must note that the repetition of the last line has quite a harrowing effect - as if you want to make it absolutely clear that you were waiting for God to appear, but he didn't - and you waited far too long.
There were far too many brilliant images, metaphors and similes in this poem to actually point them all out.
As I was reading through I kept thinking "I'll remember this line and note it in my comments" then "oh, this one's even more fascinating." But by the time I got to the end I was so overwhelmed.
I keep going back trying to pick out parts to elaborate on, but it all flows together so much you can't pick it apart.
I do love your use of certain words such as "monocrhome", "ballet", "porcelain", etc. They give a very surreal and imagistic quality to the write.
I am seriously stunned. I knew you were an excellent poet, but this goes beyond. -
Beautiful. The "gentle" poignant language against the heavy war torn diction makes this poem "click" for me-innocence and love slaughter by holocaustic hate.
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worth a second read...well done.
Nevadapoet -
Beautiful~
Such strong imagery here.. I could see it as a movie would play in my mind as I read. Flows nicely, love the story it tells- sad and beautiful. Loved it.
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Funnily enough the lack of links info and other writing on the page felt right for this piece. Its stark black and white presentation leaves the reader no where else to go but onwards through the bitter agony of this war scene. I loved the lines:
'Your fall,
like bursting water
unleashed from
surrendering dam;'
It made me visualise the descent into war as the momentum grows and chaos follows.
I also loved:
'in endless sound
of almost
every din.'
That's exactly what the sounds of war are. A cacophony of sounds from the cruel to the ridiculous.
I didn't feel any halting in the flow, but maybe I missed something as my mind was engrossed in the words.
Magic wordcrafting.
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I am so sorry to say that I failed to thank way back when for the wonderful comment you left on my poem "Love in a moment of ethnic cleansing". Please may I correct this oversight with a "thank you so much! - I was thrilled to read your kind words". K
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This was an amazing piece. Every word had emotion and every line was another image in my mind. Simply beautiful. I especially liked the second and third stanzas, very awe inspiring.
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Thanks you so much for your incredibly kind words!
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well, for one i would suggest changing the link colors on this page.
and two, i would say you have a few too many commas.
it makes for an odd flow and off timing.
your words were chose impeccably and they really seem to need little revisio -
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Thanks for your comment. I'm not bothered by link colours at all so won't dwell there. Please can you assist me further by providing examples of how the commas make the flow odd with off timing? I asked for a critical comment as I genuinely want to learn and develop from the skills and experience of others - and now you've left me hanging high and dry!! I deliberately avoided using a consistent meter as each stanza is a snap shot from a moment of horror taken by the eyes of one who was ultimately murdered - but 'off timing' sounds like there is a serious and negative impact on the reader (and for us writers, this is a perspective that is often difficult to grasp - and I'm sure you know what I mean!)
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Extrememly evocative and vivid imagery, although I did get lost a little in some of the metaphor. Regardless this is a very powerful piece, maturely crafted and structured. An original topic, interpreted in a unique fashion. Good luck in your contests. Thanks for sharing.
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WOW
So powerful...very, very good. I was captivated by your every word.
Nevadapoet
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Wow the imagery and the way you worded every line was amazing. Great write.
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each word is chosen so gracefully. each image is a vivid twinkle of emotion. this is very well written. the title is also really creative. great work.
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A little too religious for me. However, I believe that its a piece you firmly believe in, and thats the main point of this piece. You must put ink to paper about your beliefs, and what you feel strongly about. *two thumbs up*
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I despise religion and have no idea how you came to interpret my poem in this way. This is about Beauty and the Beast if that helps! Thanks for taking time to comment though.
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You wrote a poem for Radovan Karadžić? I am sure he would love it should he have access to the internet in his Dutch prison cell.
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beautifully deft and haunting. Difficult subject matter handled with grace and elegance. I enjoyed reading this alot.
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