Back when that desert kingdom was your own,
A fishing net could be a trusty steed,
And we stayed shielded by your plastic throne.
Cracked sunshades or a flip-flop found alone
Were favours left by damsels we had freed,
Back when that desert kingdom was your own.
We never feared that serpent’s surging tone--
Our pebbles clipped its back and made it bleed,
And we stayed shielded by your plastic throne.
We crossed the paths of every crabbish crone
And stopped to do the urchins a good deed,
Back when that desert kingdom was your own.
You lay, as you do now, drowsy and prone,
As castles fell to leave just shells and weed,
And we stayed shielded by your plastic throne.
We tell you now of lands of sand and stone,
And dream of worlds where tides would not recede:
Back when that desert kingdom was your own,
And we stayed shielded by your plastic throne.
Author notes
My first attempt at a villanelle, how exciting! *villanelle boogie*
Can you tell I've just been on holiday?
A contest entry
- POETS SURVIVOR 3 -- Round Five, A by Poets Survivor 3.
1000 points, ended August 25, 2008, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Advice is always appreciated!
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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A lovely piece, excellent form and flow. The meter is wonderful as is the rhyme and flow. The story itself is so captivating and grabbed me right from the start, holding my attention throughout. This was a very impressive write and shows the growth in your writing skills since the beginning of survivor. Great work. Hugs, Bunny
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Thank you very much! I really do think that Poet Survivor has helped me improve so much, so thank you for helping to organise it!
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Well, this is definitely boogie worthy! The form including both rhyme and meter were excellently done. The iambs might have been imposed in a couple of spots, to my reading, but it worked all the same. Your rhyme was particularly impressive, for your word choices were unexpected and yet fit perfectly. Well done!
I love the story you tell here. The nostalgia is so free and light and wonderful, making the sadness at the end that much more impacting. An exceptional build! Loved it.
My only suggestion for your piece concerns the controlling couplet. I thought the lines were lovely, but they themselves did not build in meaning or intensity as the piece progressed. They pretty much said the same thing in each stanza, which worked, but could have been improved upon, in my opinion.
That said, this villanelle is just excellently done and I am totally impressed. Enjoyed it thoroughly even more with each successive read. YAY!
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Thank you so much for another wonderful comment, you are always so kind and helpful
Meter never has been one of my strong points, but at least it seems to be improving with practise, so I will just keep trying!
I agree about the controlling content, as well, I found the refrain the hardest part of the villanelle - fitting the lines in again and again without making it too obviously just a part of the form... I chose lines that were easy to incorporate rather than lines that were particularly strong or were able to have a deeper meaning, but I'll try to learn from that. I hope this is another thing that will get better the more I do it.
Again, thank you!!!
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This beautifully written villanelle illustrates how well you are able to adapt to new forms of poetry. I am a fan of "true rhyme" and enjoyed your word choices. I grew up (and still live) near the ocean, and this verse reminded me of many playdays of my youth. Personally I would prefer to see lines capitalized only at the start of a new sentence, but many classic poets wrote in this fashion. I wish you continued success in the Poets Survivor Challenge. Peace, Liz
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Thank you for the thoughtful comment!
I've always just capitalised the first letter of each line in form poetry because it's a more traditional style, and it's how it used to be written, but I can see where you're coming from.
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"We crossed the paths of every crabbish crone" Oh I like this line!
Nice even flow and mechanically perfect. Your anchor lines really hold the poem in your final quatrain. I am anxious to read your free verse with this one.
Good flow, mechanically sound, strong anchor lines, good rhyme. All in all a good Villanelle. Well done. ~Pamela
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Thank you for the kind comment, and sorry for the late reply!
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This conveys to me childhood memories of summer vacations along a river with sandy banks. Is the "plastic throne" a large inner tube?
Second stanza, a great tribute to imagination and creativity of children.
The third tercet, the river's hiss, the joy of skipping stones.
Ah, days full of heroic derring-do. The sandcastles fall readily to Time.
The final two stanzas bring to mind the telling and reminding or one not fully conscious of happy times shared. Those days when partings were not contemplated, "where tides would not recede." A sense of pending loss from memory or life or connectedness.
VILLANELLE
4/5 Understandability
5/5 Originality
5/5 Rhyme-Correct Pattern
4/5 Meter – Written either in CONSISTENT Iambic tri- tetra- or pentameter (line 13 leaves iambic with "NOW, DROWsy--could alter, as 'both drowsed and prone'?)
4.5/5 Strong Opening Refrain (lines 1 and 3)
5/5 Correct Line/Stanza Order
5/5 Story has opening, development, and ending
5/5 Builds in Intensity
5/5 Overall Emotion/Impact/General appeal
5/5 Grammar and Punctuation
47.5/50 Total
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Love the use of imagery. This one draws an emotional response from me. Somehow you are able to use "fun" beach imagery to speak of something deeper and sad. Excellently done. I'm not sure how you pulled it off but it is quite effective. Love it.
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Wow... a wonderful story, and a beautiful villanelle. Incredibly great. And your first one? Now that's just rubbing it in LOL.
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Heh heh, thank you very much!
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