Dark eyes reach from depths of a troubled night
dimmed by tears, thunders and bright lightning sparks,
find shapes of butterflies in clash and light.
Father’s love hard and fast in fistful arcs
the dutiful dogs of penitence bark
harken paths to manhood, at the ready
for drum beats of hard taught hands fall steady.
But did he take sparse time of brokered days
to share a laugh or a hidden retreat;
to impart quiet wisdom of his ways
when past steps seemed so likely to repeat,
or to pause to watch snowy winter streets
boast how boyhood’s shoulders had so grown;
to toast family crown passing on.
For time is the great thief of love and care
comes and catches the unprepared hour
and days we assume will always be there
can be gone; where we'd watch without power
to bring back sweet taste of life, left sour
on doorsteps to empty rooms, filled to fall
swept on tides without debts that ebb from all.
Author notes
http://www.wordscount.info/hw/syllable.jsp
210 syllables
1."A torn jacket is soon mended; but hard words bruise the heart of a
child." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882)
Your mission is to write a Rime Royale
Rhyme royal, rime royale:
a stanza of seven ten-syllable lines,
rhyming ababbcc
A contest entry
- Torn by Pamela A Lamppa.
1750 points, ended August 20, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I love how you grabbed this prompt and presented your message. Use of language and beautiful imagery seems to come naturally for you and you simply nailed the prompt in a most unique manner. I loved that about this verse.
A bit of a hiccup begins here in the presented form:
"boast how boyhood’s shoulders had so grown;
to toast family crown passing on." These two lines fall out of syllable count - one of the drawbacks of syllable counters on the internet.
They will tell you that smile, and fire are two syllable words when in essence they are not. www.dictionary.com is a better resource for syllable count in American words and a fair starting ground for British pronunciations as well.
All in all a wonderful poem. Thank you for your entry and best of luck in the judging. ~Pamela
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Yes Pamela-
I can do it either way...count by ear or machine...I prefer ear and then don't have to be concerned if I disagree with someone on a count...thanks for letting me know which way you handle your contests...PK
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Well crafted! great content and great rhyme, touching on tough love, that is so hard for children to understand. I believe that we tend to raise our children in the same manner as our parents raised us, it's a hard cycle to break. Well done..
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A lovely form expressing brutal reality in
soft flow and subtle rhyme. I had to see
how one of my favorites handled this form.
You never disappoint. Blue
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I love the message in this poem. ~Bramble
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The saddest part is that your poem is s many kids reality.
The last stanza reminds me the thoughts of poem I read recently on OP...taking time to love and to grant love to those we care about.
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Well done.
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