Third Time's A Charm

    I thought today would be different. I thought I would wake up and feel happy, or relieved that I was getting some closure of something in my life. But then you had to go and mess it up. I stayed up until dawn packing away the things you had once given me in to the birthday bag you had given me. Pictures, key chains, cell phone charms, our best friend monkey keychain, and the Star picture frame you gave me after prom with our picture in it, and even the Bitch sign you got me two years ago for my birthday. All of these contents in the bright blue bag, along with high school notes, stupid reminders, and a fortune cookie paper I found in our box of notes that clearly stated that Friends are more valuable than money.

    The drive to your house was the longest it’s ever been in my whole life, and that last light lasted the longest. With my heart beating in my mouth and stiffness radiating in my knee caps, I was uncertain if I even wanted to press the gas pedal and continue on to your house, or if I’d much better prefer sitting there holding up traffic, or better yet – turn left and head on the highway, and drive so far away that I never cross your mind. I snapped back to reality because this had to be done.

    You hurt me unbearably. What else do expect me to do? Sit there and hold your hand, telling you to be my friend and that I’m sorry for doing absolutely nothing to you? No, I was nice enough to call you and ask if you were okay when your dog died and your boyfriend broke up with you, but you’re the one who told me off five seconds in to the conversation with an “I have to go.” You’re the one who can’t sit in a room with me for five minutes without mentioning your new friends, your new best friend, or texting them and calling them, and bragging about what they have to say. Really, I could care less about them, I’m here with you, and I want to spend time with you. I don’t care about what they did today; I want to know how your day went and if you were happy. But I guess I’m not best friend material anymore, seeing as I can’t make you happy. After all, I’m such a shitty friend that you can’t stand to hold a conversation with me for more than five minutes, or your life is not complete unless you mention alcohol.

    I’ve worried many nights about you and alcohol. I worried that they wouldn’t look after you at a bar if you got too drunk. I worried about your safety and if you would know when to stop when you’ve had enough. Your birthday wasn’t proof – you shouldn’t just puke and keep drinking, there’s a problem. I wasn’t trying to ruin your fun, or take away your friends or anything like that. I just told you that I was concerned about your health and your well-being. I’m sorry.

    When you bailed on me the day I had to go to the doctor’s (you know how terrified I get of my doctor) it crushed me worse than anything in the world. Promises are only words unless they are fulfilled. I said not to bother coming because you said you didn’t feel good. I didn’t want to force you to come and have you mad at me. I wanted you to feel better and to rest up. So I went alone. Well it’s been over a month and they don’t know what’s wrong with me. At this point, I really wish they’d tell me I’m incurable and that I have ten minutes to live. I’d at least spend those last ten minutes saying bye to you and saying “No hard feelings” than go without talking to you. I really miss you and it’s killing me inside to admit it and reject it at the same time, but really, what am I supposed to do? You uninvited me to all the plans we had, you don’t make time for me anymore, you just don’t care.

    Today hurt worse than a knife. To have to find out from Chris that you were laughing about me returning your stuff really hurt. To hear that you think our whole friendship was a joke and that you could care less... I don’t understand how you can just put it behind you like that. Doesn’t it bother you at all? I don’t understand how a person can be this mean to another human being. All I ever wanted was to be your friend, and you pushed me aside after seven years. Well Tiffany, I just hope Casey has time to sit there at all hours of the night and listen to you cry when you read the seven page letter your mom wrote you, calling you an accident and telling you why she’s leaving you. Maybe she is the better friend. Maybe alcohol is the better friend. Maybe the MONEY spent on alcohol is a better friend than I could ever be to you.



    Danny, I know you’re scum, so I’m just stating it for the final time: I am not in love with you, I feel nothing for you. Get over the fact that we liked each other six years ago and stop pinning it all on me. You’re the one who asks me to talk to you, and when I do, you make it seem like I’m in love with you. You messaged me saying you thought of me in your future and you missed me. Get over it! All I did was ask if you recognized an email address that added me on fucking FACEBOOK! So get off your high horse, you’re not that special. I don’t even know what I saw in you because you’re not a nice person, and if I were you, I wouldn’t be your friend either.



    Darling, you said you’d always have my back. So what happened? Your friend is screaming at me and pulling me in to something that has nothing to do with me, and I still stick up for you. Then you tell me not to worry. Ok, so I’m not worrying. As soon as I let my guard down, something’s got to creep up under my skin. Why are you letting him talk to me this way? I walk away, I try to get away, and it’s not stopping. And now his girlfriend’s claiming I’m threatening her? I didn’t know that saying you weren’t able to go to the movies due to work was threatening.

    My temper is flaring, but I’m biting my tongue, because I actually think you have my back. But I’ll be damned! You’re sticking up for them, asking “what the fuck” my problem is. Excuse me? I’m sorry, did I miss something? Because last time I heard I never had to kiss anyone’s ass. I wasn’t born at night, or last night, and I’ll be damned if you’re going to tell me to butt out AFTER I’m dragged in to it. It’s a little late to stick up for me now, or apologize. Especially after you made me wait around until ten o’clock at night like an asshole for a phone call, to find that you’ve stood me up and we’re not going to dinner like we planned a few nights before. Well I figured we weren’t after seven o’clock anyway, but a phone call would have been nice. Don’t call me saying you “cracked” and had to talk to me, or that you didn’t know if we were in a fight or not. You instigated it, you dragged me in to it, and then you left me there to fend for myself. I’m sorry if I stopped giving a shit whether or not you’re mad at me. It really hurts when the one person I thought would never leave my side actually leaves me and makes me feel like complete shit. Shaun, it’s a little late for an “I’m sorry” because you really hurt my feelings. Text messages mean nothing, and your excuses are horrible.

    I haven’t cried this much since my hamster died in my hands the moment my dad walked in the door on Christmas Day 1999 to tell me my aunt died. To be backstabbed by my best friend, bitched at by YOUR FRIEND, treated like shit by another, and then betrayed by you ALL IN THE SAME DAY hurts worse than anything in the whole world. I’d rather pierce my eyelids and tattoo under my fingernails than have to go through this any longer. And to have you say you didn’t want to talk to me, for no reason, makes me feel SO much better. You disappoint me; every single one of you. But I guess disappointment cannot be fulfilled until the third time’s a charm. (For each and every one of you – ironically some of you have had more than three chances.)

    I can’t stop crying, even though I have nothing left to cry out. I don’t want to waste tears over ANY of you. I don’t want to make myself sick over a bunch of idiots who could care less for me, yet here I am, crying my eyes out because I trusted every single one of you with everything I had. I’m probably going to have a heart attack and die, at least that’s what it feels like anyway. And now I have nothing but myself and my pillow. I guess that’s a good thing because my pillow doesn’t give me the cold shoulder, and I know I’ll never leave myself. So I guess this is it. Tomorrow it may change; maybe a better day.

    Ah, who am I kidding?