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Wasting Away


Some mouldy cheese
a fist-sized piece

of  bread
that's what she eats
feeds the beast
that howls  inside
banging

clanging

the metal
bars of its cage

 

 

later

rage comes out

in spasms

as she bends over the toilet

her retching brings up

nothing

 

 

at seventy eight pounds

she's still too much

too big

to

slip

through

the gaps

slide through the drains

 

 

perhaps

if she wasn't so greedy

for food...

 

 

 

 

 

 

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Meej
    October 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    So to me this poem is about a person with anorexia, but than your ending stanza throws me off, but i'm taking that as sarcasm...as in, they're not at all being greedy for food..in fact they could be greedy for more. You write about eating disorders in a creative way, in a non stereotypical way..


    • charcoal
      October 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      that last line is her inner dialogue. she's chiding herself for wanting to eat. thanks meej


  • silentheartbreak
    October 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Oh, I wish,

    I wish I could write like you. this is great.

    • charcoal
      October 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thank you

      many a times I wish I had a different voice too... but we are all who we are.

      every poem that we write takes us a step closer to becoming who we want to be.


  • misshugglebugglez
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like this! this is really good, and it has a funny side. i like the metaphors. I'm surprised it didn't get gold! nice work!!!!!! =D


    • charcoal
      August 14, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      hey good to hear from you again
      how's Jaru today?


  • Cannonsfire
    August 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really am enjoying your pieces, shows good structure and strong words. I always nitpick the 'ing' words lol because I feel they are stronger without them. 'retch'
    'bang' clang' it says the same but its a better impact for the piece, the staccato tone of the overall suggests it would be better that way. Of course it is your piece so I only suggest, whatever you do is fine C


  • sailor ptolema
    August 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I told you this was good . You're no novice, and I'm no celebrity


  • sailor ptolema
    August 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Yes. I like the edits and elimination of the question mark at the end .

  • sailor ptolema
    August 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "fist sized piece">>>should be 'fist-sized'

    "bars of it's cage.">>should be ' its '. There is no need for an apostrophe.

    "slide throught the drains.">>should be 'through'


    Otherwise, I rather like this . I think this avoids the cliches that generally drown poems on this mental disease.

    I like the ending. It's rather chilling and ironic. I think you've done will to eliminate filler words, and make this read as streamline as possible .
    Well done.

    & g'luck!

    Sailor Ptolema.

    `

    • charcoal
      August 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      there.
      made all the changes you suggested and then some more.
      all the commas full stops are out . not needed i think.
      Editing Rules!



  • xxxLizardKingxxx
    August 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Whoa...definetly not the 5 year old thing you were talking about.This is....deep...intense...sad...thought provoking...gut wrenching...just...WOW!!


  • michael thomas gold member
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    your poem opens the thoughts up. I like it. I have seen friends starve themselves to death. two of them. before they died they would complain that they were too fat and they were all bones - all bones. The mind is funny.

1 - 13 of 13