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Naturally

if sun and moon could somehow coincide
as blackness bled upon bone slivers
hardwood follicles of gray
pine needle's passive parapet
then all the days and nights
when we were weakening
our abstinence
an absent shade
this love would still
find sprigs of light to feed upon
as who we were was more than any
passing day could bring us to forget
eroded by the tides
where sea and sand blend

 

 

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 36 of 36

  • Cat
    September 18, 2008
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    congratulations

  • Rowan gold member
    September 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    *sighs*
    Congratulations, very Neruda-like.


  • poet2angels gold member
    September 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I adore this...
    Being a romantic, this scores big and one of my favorite things is alliteration well done and yours in this piece, was effortless and beautifully done...
    I could not choose favorite lines. I loved it all

    TY for entering

    Lynda


  • Cupcrazy gold member
    September 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I loved, loved, loved this piece. I don't know why exactly, but it just seeped inside my soul somehow. It is a shorter piece, but myyyy what impact, the ending is extraordinary. A beauty of a piece hun, thank you for entering such a wonderful take on the prompt.


  • Roaddog Wolf
    September 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    very nicely penned

    expressed what I saw in your words how limited we are in the perpetual state of being yet depth of being is just deep, in the "sand and the foam" Nicely done I enjoyed the read.


  • zochit2me gold member
    August 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Tim this is lovely.
    One of your finest pieces by far.
    It has an eternal feel to it...and that ending

    eroded by the tides
    where sea and sand blend

    Breath taking!!!
    Damn I did not know you had it in you

    lovely poem

    ♥Becky♥

    • sheltered
      August 23, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      You're making me blush.
      Thank you my dear.
      I'd like to cuddle with you now?


  • Nicolette gold member
    August 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is lovely. It has a sweet quiet about it, a constancy, yet it still moves and flows like water. Loved the "sprigs of light" - yes, this one has light in it too. A tight piece of writing.

    ~ Nicolette


  • ArtFullyMe silver member
    August 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    this has a wonderful everness to it.. rather like mountains and forests ..that for me are always more than themselves ..

    sea and sand ... an eternal exchange of motion. Like waves and tides which are never separate, never whole but a constancy that somehow for me is never really a loss no matter how far out the water is because even in absence it's remembered as something more..


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ...eroded by tides where sea and sand blend...

    A perfect ending to this beautiful poem. And those first two lines of impossible blend, just grip and hold the reader. There is no letting go until the end - and then, read again. A pleasure to have read such fine verse today. Thank you. ~Pamela


  • Angierie
    August 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    For sure the best I've read in a long time!
    you have a way with words I WISH I had..lol
    Amazing!!


  • ea silver member
    August 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    pine needle' passive parapet appeals to me - sounds like a wistful recounting of a forest tryst.


    • sheltered
      August 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I like your line better
      "wistful recounting of a forest tryst"
      Now that's poetic.


  • Luna Tique Fringe
    August 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ab-soul-utly beautiful. I had to read this several times before I could think of what to say. It made me cry. This, in my opinion, is by far your best. It draws emotion from deep within and it expresses in such an elegant and tender way. It rivals the inspiration piece. Bravo, bravo.


    • sheltered
      August 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you. I was trying to borrow from Neruda's style.
      Maybe i'll have to try that more often.
      He is my favorite dead poet.
      They should have a society for them you know?
      lol


  • notorious gold member
    August 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    So much contrast

    Your juxtaposition with...everything is fantasticalll.

    e.g. "sun & moon"
    "days & nights"
    "sea & sand"

    It's neato!!!

    "pine needle's passive parapet"
    Now say that 10x fast...or not. I like this alliteration. I haven't used abusive alliteration in a while...maybe it's time to start again? You have inspired me dude.

    "when we were weakening/our abstinence"
    I dunno. Feels ambiguous, like you're talking about more than not getting some.

    "as who we were was more than any"
    Jesus God!! Awesome!!! It's not a metaphor or anything...and yet, the meaning is so damn deep. Cool!

    'eroded' is a great word. It brings to mind that scene in Bruce Almighty where Jim Carrey is soooo pissed off about not getting promoted to being anchor...and starts saying "E-ROOOOO-DED! E-ROOO-DED!" & going all crazy.

    Have you seen the movie?

    This is good. Good luck


    • sheltered
      August 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the novel comments once again.
      I like quoting your best lines back to you so...
      "Jesus God!! Awesome!!! It's not a metaphor or anything...
      and yet, the meaning is so damn deep." there ya go.
      I don't think I saw the movie.

      • notorious gold member
        August 6, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Why are those my best lines? See the movie!!


        • sheltered
          August 6, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          Because it was emotional and poetic...
          I don't watch many movies.
          I only have two channels on my television.


  • Cannonsfire
    August 5, 2008

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    Sounds like you have more than your fair share of bleak outcomes but still live on a little hope lol for that I am grateful. But I'd still remove sharp objects you may be able to get your hands on lol C


    • sheltered
      August 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      It's not meant to be bleak at all though
      but a testament to a love that could withstand anything.


  • Lj-
    August 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    I like this.
    Nice alliteration.

1 - 36 of 36