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Mighty Pan



Laid low on western meadows
cloud shadows roll over his stones
pressed into the warm prairie earth
Mighty Pan, tumbled at the end of

the shaky path he's trod for aeon's

The secret dispatches he'd carried
weigh like death on his soul
his wife, in a fit took to the stage
his children implored, cajoled
even bribed him to find other work

 

~

 

The bell rings, Pan shoots from the corner
a grin like a wound opens his fleecy face
the opponent takes lethal advantage
uppercuts tearing off flesh in gobbits
til a deaths-head of bone is all that's left

His speed is gone, street savvy, reflexes
mired down in inexplicable funk
was it the diamond chick at ringside
Barbie's plastic face with million dollar tits
who spread like Danae every time blood flew

~

There's a place in Arkadie where his Master
sat and dripped knowledge while painting
landscapes of a shocking psychedelic nature
dismissed as tawdry 'kitch' by Art News
they burst like napalm in the naked eye
~

Goat eyes, (slit sideways, yellow as suns)
cannot blink, stare straight up
at the shifting dance of ponderous clouds
In the crook of his elbow a bottle
rich, green, fruity muscatel

No vintage wine for Pan, no false pretensions
ragged nails sunk in the dirt
he's always been the people's first desire.

 

 

 

... 

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Emmyb gold member
    July 21
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    what?


  • Amera gold member
    August 20, 2008
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    I was not the only judge for my contest and this poem deserves special recognition. The least I can do is put an Amera gold on it.


  • PerVirtuous
    August 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I have no interest in disecting this and looking at it line by line. The artistry is very apparent and the visual nature of this write indisputable. It strikes me as being very personal, which is a compliment of the highest nature in my book, and leaves little doubt about what emotions belong where. If I have a knock on this poem it is only that it does not appear to be particularly ambitious. As a poem, that is not really an issue, but in a competition it may suffer against another poem written with the same qualities that is more ambitious. That is in no way a value judgement, but it is a comparative one. This is a wonderful entry.


  • Terry Collett
    August 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Classic.

    Excellent. Enjoyed.


  • cvillelisa
    August 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    by the way -- i think your opening lines are gorgeous. (didn't say that first time around) but the sounds

    low/western/meadow/cloud/shadow/roll/stone

    in addition to them just sounding so good - the image they present is just delicious.

  • cvillelisa
    August 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply


    I think this is my new favorite Ariosto Poem. I've been reading it for a few days (as you may well know). It has magic in it, that timelessness and the metaphors are wide and varied so the poem takes on different meanings each time I read it -- deepens. There was a discussion of boxing poems at another poetry forum I am a member of -- how they hold so much. Good on you.

    I think it suffers somewhat in form -- the traditional sort of stanza/line breaks don't, in my humble opinion, highlight the freshness of the content. Additionally, there are a few places that could use a bit of editing. But first to form.

    I looked at this - as is - in prose format and that definitely worked. So that is option to consider, punctuate and make it a prose/poem. The second format I looked at is something like this:




    Laid low on western meadows, cloud shadows roll
    over his stones, pressed
    into warm prairie earth, Mighty Pan finally comprehends
    the shaky path he's trod for aeons. The secret dispatches
    he'd carried weigh like death on his soul.
    His wife, in a fit took to the stage,
    his children had implored, cajoled even bribed him to find,
    other work.

    .............................................The bell rings,
    Pan shoots from the corner, a grin like a wound opens
    his fleecy face, the opponent takes lethal advantage,
    lightening uppercuts tearing off flesh,
    til a deaths-head of bone

    is all that's left. His speed is gone,
    street savvy, reflexes mired
    down in inexplicable funk.
    Was it the diamond chick at ringside?
    Barbie's plastic face with million dollar tits spread
    like Danae every time blood flew?

    There's a place in Arkadie where his Master sat
    and dripped knowledge while painting landscapes
    of a shocking psyche nature, dismissed
    as tawdry kitch by Art News.
    But one was never the same after seeing them.

    Goat eyes, (slit sideways, yellow as suns) cannot blink,
    stare straight up at the shifting dance
    of ponderous clouds. In the crook of his elbow
    a bottle rich, green, fruity muscatel. No vintage wine for Pan,
    no false pretensions,

    ragged nails sunk in the dirt.
    He's always been the people's first desire.




    I used the ........ just to indicate spacing not to be included in real formatting just to push that line over. Additionally, I would italicize a few words for impact -- like "other work" and "tawdry kitch"


    Here are the few lines that could be rethought:

    Mighty Pan finally comprehends --- if you keep it strictly prose, I think that is fine. If you want that line to fit more with the poetic nature of many of these lines -- I'd experiment with a way to say that without "telling us" in other words the old "show us" routine.


    I'd take out the "had" in this line:

    His children had implored .. and just say:

    His children implored --

    I absolutely think that stanza about the Master inserted there is grand. It is sort of like a Chinese poetic moment. However, I keep stumbling on the:

    but no one was the same after seeing them.

    It feels very pedestrian and I would like to see you again, work on showing rather than telling there. I don't have any suggestions (yet) because I've been concentrating on the whole poem -- but those areas definitely stick out for me everytime I read this.



    I think, cleaned up this is one to send out. Of course, what the fuck do I really know about anything.

    xo


  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    August 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, what an entertaining mixture, a most imaginative story, a mythical Greek tale told in a ‘Bukowski- esque voice, very entertaining read sir, well done and all the best!

  • Amera gold member
    August 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love this, I love metaphor told in a fantasy. I could crawl up into your mind and be amazed like with a good book. So Pan was married huh?

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • malmadre gold member
    August 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very Dali~esque! only better.

  • Cat gold member
    August 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    you have learned to paint your words like you do oil on canvas- in
    mixed hues - with shadow and light

    this is a portrait

    and not like some guy who no one liked for 200 years.. but more like
    .. some guy that
    someone liked before 200 years passed..
    (ok, so i am not a student of art)


    i really love this- the imagery is rich and you have now added a new texture to your voice- it rumbles and tumbles and sounds a bit like
    someone who could call themselves a poet

    m

1 - 10 of 10