I look up to the star-filled night
With wonder. At the break of dawn,
I tremble at the poignant sight
And reminisce on days long gone.
With wonder at the break of dawn,
I sing of love my heart once held
And reminisce. On days long gone,
To spare a thought I am compelled.
I sing of love. My heart once held
Such perfect bliss! Should I not dare
To spare a thought? I am compelled
To let my mind still wander there:
Such perfect bliss should I not dare
To hope for in my deepest dreams?
To let my mind still wander there
Is not as pleasant as it seems.
To hope for in my deepest dreams
A love such as I used to hold
Is not as pleasant as it seems.
Absurd wishes are mere fools’ gold.
A love such as I used to hold! –
I tremble at the poignant sight!
Absurd wishes are mere fools’ gold;
I look up to the star-filled night.
A contest entry
- CONTEST: WRITE A VILLANELLE OR PANTOUM by echo-ink.
1600 points, ended August 18, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme and Flow part 8 Memories - 50,000 points series by cricketjeff.
4000 points, ended August 23, 2008, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Something Sad by LittleDecoy.
900 points, ended August 31, 2008, 85 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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Nicely flowing pantoum, a form that I do not love but this is a well done example.
Excellent poetry and a very worthy entry and finallist in this very strong contest
Sue and I both thank you for the entry.
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Thanks so much for the comment and for hosting the contest. I'm really glad you liked it. I know that pantoums can become painful to read depending on how they're written, and I'm glad to hear mine wasn't too bad. Thanks!
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oooh. this was a really good poem.
and really interesting too!
i loved the way you repeated certain lines of each stanza..
really unique.
great story behind it. =)
thanks so much for entering & good luck -
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Thanks!
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This poem is ingenious! I absolutely adore that the second and fourth lines of each stanza are repeated as the first and second lines of the following stanza. Very, very original and creative.
"I sing of love. My heart once held
Such perfect bliss! Should I not dare
To spare a thought? I am compelled
To let my mind still wander there:"
I like this. Many people try to bury their past feelings; refusing to believe they ever had any happiness with someone they are presently unhappy with [aka- my mother lol]
Your message and word choice are beautiful. :] I loved your poem.
-Lily♥
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Thank you! I'm really glad you like it. The form isn't that original; the use of refrains in this pattern is called a pantoum. Not many people write in this form though, so that might be why it seemed unique. I find it to be a really fun form, though somewhat challenging. It can be hard to make the lines fit together in multiple contexts and not only make sense but flow well. It's really fun when it all works haha. I know many people like your mother who, once they've made up their mind that they don't like something or someone, they conclude that they never did. Very amusing. Thanks for the comment!
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Sad song here, some excellent and evocative imagery really captures the feelings of the poetic voice towards its subject. Overall well structured, mature, and crafted. Good luck in all your contests.
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Thank you very much
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Well done. ~Poo~
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Thank you!
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this poem is poetic of the heart
your are showing something of understanding and great to other i like ur style u are a brave one indeed
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Thank you very much for the comment!
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OMG someone that knows how to write this form. I didn't think of that. I'm not very good at them but I would love to give it a try if you would ... maybe going line by line with someone to help would help me
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Well thank you very much; I'm glad you like the form. I'm not too familiar with writing pantoums but I've tried it out occasionally with varying degrees of success. I'm sure if you wanted to give it a try it wouldn't be hard--you are an incredibly talented poet and your poetry has great rhyme. I haven't looked long enough to find if you normally write form poetry. In any case, thanks for hosting the contest and I hope you have fun with the collab, whomever you chose to share it with. Always fun to work with someone else to learn more and create something awesome haha.
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normally if I do a co-write it's with rakerman1 because ... I dunno why LOL. We've known each other for a few years and both like to rhyme. That's all he ever does. If it ain't broke don't fix it He's too busy right now and I want to see if I can do something different anyway. I do some diamontes, some rictameters, free-verse and of course rhyme in a few forms like end-line; limericks ... those are always fun.
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Well there's certainly plenty in that list that I could learn from myself--I haven't written some of those forms. I've actually never done a collaboration for poetry though I have for a couple other types of art (drawings, stories, writing music); I'm kind of new to AP and most of my friends off-site don't know I write poetry due to the umm, rather personal nature of some of my poems. I think it would be really fun though.
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I understand about personal poetry. Sometimes my poems are in a journal because I don't even want to share them here. Funny how things are so deep that it's hard to share sometimes. I want to be published and truthfully that's what holds me back. The thought of people who know me gasping in horror and saying, "You feel like that???' LOL. I guess real poets shouldn't care. I used to teach a rictameter class and the form is addictive. After you're done if you center align it looks like a diamond ... plus you must begin and end with the same two syllable word. Fun really.
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I know what you mean; the majority of my favorite poems are not on this site and will never be read. To be honest a bunch of them I write then throw away or delete. I guess I'm not really planning on getting published; I'm a selfish poet writing merely for the personal enjoyment of expressing myself in words that I really don't care if anybody else likes at all. I am rather--not embarrassed or ashamed, but sensitive I suppose, about some of my darker or more bitter poetry and I really can't stand the thought of all of those being shared with the world, especially the people in this world who know me. Well, I guess I'm just obsessive and paranoid.
I've actually never tried a rictameter at all and to be honest I don't think I'd heard of it before just now. That sounds fascinating; I think I'll have to look up the form and try one or two. It does sound fun
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here's the link I used when I taught the class
http://members.optushome.com.au/kazoom/poetry/rictameter.html
it's really easy and fun -
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Oh cool; thanks for the link. That looks fun and interesting--I'll have to try it out Maybe when I do I'll ask you to take a look and give a critique or any suggestions
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One thing I try without success is sonnets. I just cannot for the life of me get it
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lol well that is a REALLY hard form to write. I've tried... and failed haha. (I think I've only written a couple that even keep the meter and rhyme consistent; you can look at http://allpoetry.com/poem/4400863 if you want to see one that isn't too bad haha). Fortunately AP offers learning resources like columns and classes; finding ways to practice and get feedback is really helpful to learning a new form or technique.
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Stanza 3, line 2, if you were to change should to shouldn't...that would give you 8 syllables.
see, I miss things too, all the time, hehehe
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Oh ok, thanks very much. That helps too! It sort of tosses the meter around a little bit but that's not a big problem; keeps it interesting I guess haha.
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This was beautiful and I loved it,
The Pantoum is a poem with 8 syllables per line, this will be perfect if you change the word powerful to a 2 syllabe word, I hope you do, because I loved this, or change the line so that there are 8 syllables, other than that...this is perfect. PL [I tremble at the powerful sight] 9 syllables instead of 8 PL -
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Thank you for pointing that out! I should definitely have caught that haha. Well, I changed it and I actually think I like the meaning better this way too. Thanks for hosting the contest! I haven't written more than a few pantoums and villanelles and it was a nice opportunity to branch out more.
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great job with the form!
I love the flow of your piece and the rhymes are spot on!
good luck in the contest
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Thank you! Very glad you like it and that the form is good; I haven't written that many pantoums before haha. Thanks!
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