I was sixteen years old, he was seventeen. We had met in a ridiculous class - Independant Living - which was a class for both juniors and seniors. From the moment he walked into the room, I could feel the hairs on the back of me neck stand on end; feel the yearning to better know this tanned man with dark eyes and a rather charismatic smile. Yet, at the same time, I feard it, because... well, I was what you could call "goth" while he was more of the "popular drama" crowd. By drama, I don't mean that he liked to bring drama to the school - no, he didn't sleep with anything with two legs, knock girls up and deny it, or try to pick fights with said girl's boyfriends. He was an actor; a bohemien, a rising star that I felt wouldn't have the time for a girl like me.
I didn't know I could have been so wrong.
We started "dating" after a couple weeks, though not for my lack of trying to scare him away. Once he started to show an interest in me, I was scared to get close to him. After a rather abusive past, I feared that he would turn out like all the other charismatic young men I had known; use me and toss me away with hardly a sideward glance. And, even if he didn't, and truly came to love me as I so desperately wanted, what would he think of my past? Would he understand when I told him I couldn't go... all the way?
Months passed, and sure, we had fooled around, but he had respected me. He never did anything that I hadn't agreed to. We never had sex, though I didn't tell him why. I always made up some lame excuse, such as: "Well, we can't have sex, because we'd have to go back to my place, and... my dad has a second sense for that kind of thing."
Eventually, however, he was able to sway my thoughts.
It was a cold, damp night in October, and I had forced him into a pair of my old fishnets. The shirt barely covered his chest, but I didn't care; I thought it was cute that he was willing to look so foolish, walking around the city beside me. In my mind I saw us as two pilgrims, looking for something - anything - to occupy our time; anything that would grant us a few more hours together, despite the mist like rain that was falling from the night sky.
Taco Bell was our destination, seeing as how it was only at the most two miles away, surrounded by everything a teenagers needs - a gas station, a K-Mart, Michael's Craft Shop, and a mom and pop sub shop. We took the journey together, smoking a few clove cigarettes on the way. You see, we, like so many other young teens, were under the impression that cloves were not as "bad" for you as a normal cigarette. Again, I was terribly mistaken.
The rain began to fall harder and faster, forcing us to take shelter behind the mom and pop sub shop, and that's where everything changed.
It was in the moment that I wanted him - all of him - and I could see the same desires burning within his dark orbs. So it was here on the damp grass with rain cascading across our half-clad bodies that we made love for the first time... though, if I could go back, I would have made the conditions a little more... how should I say... comfortable? My heart was racing, and I could feel his doing the same. I was scared at first, mainly because I had heard how painful the first time could be... and, yet... he was so gentle, that I had no room to complain.
Once we finished, I didn't feel any different. Maybe a little sick to the stomach, knowing I had gone against my father's golden rule, but that would pass. I was exhausted, and so was he. So, with childish laughter, we sat against the wall and smoked another clove, talking of random things we hoped to do later in our lives. And, for once in all my years I felt... safe.
He hadn't turned into the sadist I had feared he would.
Thinking back on it, I'm not sure it was the best way to go about things. Deep down, I still feel that I only did what I did because I was afraid of losing him; several other girls at the highschool had started to show interest in him with very... adamant enthusiasm. As far as I was concerned, they were far more attractive than I was, and he would certainly leave me for them. It was with these fears burning in my heart that I gave myself to him fully, hoping that it would show him that I would give him everything he ever wanted out of a woman.
I neglected to tell him this, as well as my abusive past, for a few more months, until he finally forced it out of me. I was afraid, because I thought that... now that he knew the truth about my past, he would leave me. He would call me all the horrid names they had: whore, slut, concubine, marrionette.
To my surprise, he actually understood.
It's been over four years since that magickal night, and now my highschool sweetheart and I are happily married, and have a beautiful three month old daughter. I can't help but wonder what my life would be like now if my intuition about this man had been different. If I had misjudged my desire to spend the rest of my life with him, and given him all that I had, what kind of person would that have made me? Fool-hearty? Blinded by love? I must admit, that in those euphoric moments, I couldn't have cared less.
My own memoirs of my first time could never compete with the ones you will make for yourself - either to enact them now, or to wait a few years. However, I hope that I've given you an ample view into the inner workings of a teenaged girl's mind when it comes to finally giving herself to the one she loves.
But, above all else, be safe in your choice, for it is YOUR choice, and your choice alone.
Author notes
I am a twenty-year old woman. Cho'yes.
All right, I tried to not make this too graphic, and I think I did that. I don't think I went into the detail of it at all, lol. Maybe a little, but yeah. I think this gives a more appropriate view of what the mind goes through, rather than the body.
I also know it's a little long... what with the background of the story and whatnot. [ Shrug. ] I think it fits. Only the judge can say though, right? 
In any event, enjoy the ramblings of my teenage throng, darlings. ♥
A contest entry
- The First Time... by trista.
700 points, ended September 7, 2008, 20 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Hi there
You've done a fantastic job on writing your story! It wasn't too long by any means, and I'd have happily read even more. Not only does it tell your story, it does give me a good idea of how a teenager thinks and feels...I remember pretty well (I think, lol) but then it's been a LONG time since I was that age, and some things do change over time.
It sounds like you've overcome a lot, and your guy sounds like a pretty awesome fellow to have understood so much and to be sensitive to your feelings all the way along. Congrats on the new addition to the family...I hope you are all very happy and remain so.
Reading this makes me hope you also write fiction??? I help judge the SO (story of the week, month, year) contests, would sure love to see your talents there as well. Arkbear hosts them...please check it out if you have the time...it's filled this week, but there's always next week.
http://allpoetry.com/contest/2419919
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck in the contest!
Best wishes,
~J. -
Rawr. Hey you, add my new msn dc.is.hxc@live.com
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Nice write. Sounds like a keeper you have.
Write on.
Dez
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that was a beautifully written story. i'm so glad things turned out so well for you.
i too was afraid to tell my boyfriend about my abusive past. terrified he would run away. thankfully he didn't. just loved me the same as ever.
i hope things continue to go well for you. and congrats about your daughter.
good luck in the contest. -
Absolutely brilliant. It had to be as long as it was and yes, if it was longer I'd keep reading. Sometimes no matter what age you are you can find that love of your life and I'm glad you found yours and it's working. I'm turning 20 this year...and I have found the love of my life...but we can never be together it seems...kills me every day.
I loved the way you portrayed this story, and it is true...your choice should be YOUR choice...but sometimes it doesn't work that way...
I loved this...had me in tears. Brilliant...
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I understand completely about sometimes things as this can't truly be YOUR choice - not fully, at least. And that is why I count this union with my husband as "my first." I don't think the abuse I suffered in the past should count, seeing as how I never gave consent.
And, I'm terribly sorry to hear about your situation with your lover. I'm going through something of the same right now - my husband joined the Navy once we found out I was pregnant, so he spends up to eighteen hours a day away from home. It's tough, but I know we can make it through. I have the same hope for you and your partner.
Thank you for commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed it as much as you did. ♥
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I don't think it's too long. I enjoyed the story and the details just made it more interesting.
You are always taking a chance when you embark on something like that and I'm glad it worked out for you.
Enjoyable write.
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Thank you, thank you. I'm glad it worked out for the better as well, heh'.
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He hadn't turned into the sadist I had feared her would
he would
I don't think this was too long for what I know of your past, darling. If anything, it leaves a lot of mystery and some people would need a talented imagination to put this together. Your detail was perfect when it comes to not saying too much. You wrote it beautifully, and even though not everyone will be able to understand, it is yours, your story, and your life...and it's beautiful because it's honest, raw, and true.
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Ahahah'. Thank you for catching the evil typo. I thought I got them all, but was obviously mistaken.
And, yeah.. I'll admit that the details were a bit vauge. I just didn't know if I should... pour out EVERYTHING that happened to influence this, you know? Some people don't have the stomach for that kind of thing.
♥ Thank you for your kind words, love. I'm glad you find enjoyment in my little ramblings.
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And that's totally fine...It's understandable to keep some things private. And I adore your ramblings!
♥
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