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solitary child

Missing image

following his father,
shadowed in confusion

black
hung heads

a mothers warmth;
gone










Author notes

Picture prompt
13 words only

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Manda Kathryn Greeters member
    August 6, 2008

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    Heartbreaking and sweet, this is emotionally tugging!

    ♥
    Thank you & Best of luck!
    Stay safe
    ~Manda


  • Cannonsfire
    August 5, 2008

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    I read your advice and it was good advice See you can write strong and freely Love, C


  • CarolDesjarlais silver member
    August 5, 2008

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    oh, this so reminds me of the book I am reading right now..The Kite Runner..and one/thosuandth of the plights of the Afghani chidlren is that ther are few fathers and odler male relatives left to fulfil their role as history and traditiona keepers. Bravo!!!!


  • apples fell
    August 5, 2008

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    This says so much, with so little. I only have one minor suggestion and I'm not sure if it is entirely beneficial, but I'll mention it anyways.
    The poem could easily do without the "leading the way" line. So it would be like this:
    "following his father
    confusion hung heads,
    a mothers warmth;
    gone" - Or at least, I think that would say the same without the explanation of the actual act of the following. You have penned something most can not do with huge stanza's, so for that, I say you have done quite a good job here. Reality is a sad cruel thing when you think about it from certain perspectives.

    ;


    • fortyninereasons gold member
      August 5, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      you are right as far as the 'leading the way' doesn't need to be there to convey my thoughts but the piece had to be 13 words lol... I changed the whole thing around a few times. J


      • apples fell
        August 5, 2008
        Edit | Reply

        Oh yes...the contest...LOL. Well, afterwards or something, you'll at least have a general idea that the line could be done away with. I should have been more observant and I would have realized that it was probably so you would have thirteen words...

        ;

1 - 11 of 11