love was heart shaped
shit pasted on commercial
sea-beds; twinkles of our eyes
sighs
we loved chocolate and I was too fat
to delve; out of it
something was always okay
about how we puppy loved.
I never grew
for five years
and then when I hit the side track
the breath of passing train
felt natural
like the strain
on my skin
which purpled and still reminds me
how badly I sleep after insomnia;
at dawn break
a doze never falters
to caress my brows.
I hear you at times
my inner eyes were always yours,
as my neighbor’s radio
chokes
and amid the losing faith
of perhaps-sad-songs
I regret. honestly. I do.
I wish I had shaped my eyes
those five years instead
of snuggling the gown
my sister gave
to her little dolly
for the grand day .
A contest entry
- simple contest by Avendesora Dreamer.
700 points, ended September 1, 2008, 19 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
don't comment on this.
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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*whistle* wow...this is what I wish I could have written when I thought of the phrase that was your inspiration...I'm not even sure what to say...except that I love it, and THANK YOU!!!
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i always wonderd about the phrase puppy loved
i enjoyed thinking of certain images
" my neighbor’s radio
chokes"
that really reminded me of radio with guts by charles bukowski even tho it has absolutly nothing in common
brilliant as always rifat
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-to delve out of immaturity
the use of delve there in that context is questionable, as far as my knowledge of vocabulary goes. delve is to go deeper into something. i assume you want to suggest the idea of climbing out of immaturity. or that you wanted to kind of "scoop out" immaturity...horrible word, i know. or am i just confusing you?
-loved the ending.
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*work...
lawlz...
oxymoron *hint hint*
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umm i guessed i have confused you... it should out fine now.
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lol... you are not... and i know what i did exactly... you can never "delve out" of anything... that's my point... the attempt was futile. that's what i wanted to mean.
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oh man.
Me gusta este mucho, y un comentario en inglés no será suficiente
~sailor ptolema
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ha damn this was very entertaining
in fact i just really am into the style you have its all your own and i cant wait for more
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A poem.
That's all I've got.
Right now I'm thinking about our collab, so,
my attention is elsewhere. But you know you
are a good writer. you don't need me to
remind you of that.
;
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I like this too.
Puppy love and all. sighs...
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I love the imagery in this, my one little nitpick is the first line..each time I read it I wanted to leave the 'a' out lol and just say heart-shaped shit, don't think it needs the 'a'..also I don't think it is necessary to use 'a bit' seems clumsy but it is late here and my eyes are getting tired lol...seems there could be a better word used there to make the image stronger somehow. For the rest of the write just screams on the page, a memory of long ago or recent childhood but the final stanza I thought was superb. It's your piece though so it's only my thoughts. I love the way you write Love, C
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i was not sure about "a bit" too... but are you sure it is okay. i mean the piece...
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I think it's a strong piece of you in this, the 'a bit' just seemed disjointed from the line if that makes sense, I kept reading it and pausing before I read the 'a bit' part lol..I don't think you need wholesale changes at all, it works very well.
C
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i see your point. it works well with "a bit" thanks.
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You're welcome hun
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