We say good bye to ourselves
by each chance before a mirror
glances into too familiar doorways
as rusted days pile in dusty corners;
when burning thoughts dim to embers
and our rabid desires fade,
laughter rings timid and mild;
life seems tepid neither hot to burn
nor so cold to chide and bite.
Time makes rutted paths
moving sands a constant face,
ghosted grief surrounds our mounded shadows.
Sudden spark ignites
epiphany of spirit
ebony night peels back to moments
of purity, light amongst a sparkling sea
that somehow finds but one set of eyes,
one place suddenly ripe for feeling;
a sign
to tell us more than any might say
we find ourselves in bright day once more
in beacon paths, beams of truth
for it is here that young swallows learn to fly.
Blessed foot falls in a dance of life,
scripted sounds make music that lifts our steps
as soaring life ascends in summer skies. Unfolded
love is in the next precious star
that holds us in a glimmer from afar and long ago;
for even symbols of hope we behold
have traveled vast seas
over time before memory,
to dispel shadows over our hearts,
and light the way.
A contest entry
- POETS SURVIVOR- Round Five, B by Poets Survivor 3.
1000 points, ended August 25, 2008, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - POETS SURVIVOR 3 -- FINAL ROUND- Part A by Poets Survivor 3.
700 points, ended January 15, 3 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Ahh yes this was a beauty, I loved this the first time and yes I still do! Hugs, Bunny
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I think I must have been gone for the round you entered this one in - and what a shame that would've been to miss this piece - but I am glad to read it now - it is a powerhouse!
The descriptions and phrasing is sharp, witting and creative; but also has almost an luring, smooth beauty to them as you investigate your own emotions... and you can really see you in this piece; your self-discovery of your emotions - but also, it is to relate to this piece of one's own personal level... and to feel the strong emotions at that.
My only tip would to be to watch your sentences/phrasing. All of the stanzas except one have longer sentences (which is okay) but only if you keep this kinda of structure, for the most part, throughout, I feel. And the only time you should change this is if you are adding emphasis on a part, but not a very long section. In your second stanza, some of the sentences were a lot longer then in the previous stanza and following stanzas, so it made the flow a little bumpy.
Besides that, there is just an undeniable power to this write...loved it
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Well, you certainly know the beauty and value of this poem, for you chose it to exemplify some of your best work from the previous rounds. A wonderful choice among many.
The beauty of the language is, again, so striking and the way you manipulated my emotions through it is so appealing. The first part is so despairing, and is in such wonderful contrast with the uplifting, hopeful conclusion.
My only possible suggestion for improvement (and I'm reaching, here) is that perhaps you might have altered the fluidity of the first half. The word choice is excellent, with words like rusted, dusty, rutted setting the mood perfectly; however, the lines are short and quick. I almost think you might have pulled on us more with a slower pace, allowing the flow to be more like sinking sand than a current of water. On the other hand, that pace works perfectly for the lighter more optimistic middle part of the poem (successive uncapitalized sentences and phrases). I was delighted to get to each new phrase and it moved, flitted almost, until it slows toward the end to become pensive and reflective.
My favorite part of this is the way certain words just cling with you as you read, leaving their lingering effect even as you move on to other words. Some of the best were "rutted paths," "suddenly ripe," and my personal fav, "scripted sounds." In particular, "scripted sounds speaks of ultimate hope to me. For the sounds to be scripted, there must be Someone to compose the symphony, to write the imagined notes tangibly, within the chronicles of time..Someone who sees my rusty days and chooses instead to offer the sign, the beacon to something greater.
Beautiful work, both in language and in meaning. Just an all around excellent entry. -
I forgot the well deserved clappies.
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I look at these moments of judging as a way to grow, take the advice given and use it to improve in some way... so this is why i think it is important to say 'thank you' and even more important to listen... many thanks...PK
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This was beautifully written and a more comfortable voyage than your villanelle. I cannot chose a favorite part since the entire poem is of a piece and each line complements the one before. The only discordant note to my eye was L.27. I did not see the value of adding that one word after the period instead of moving it to the following line. Congratulations on your gold trophy. I did not envy the judges. Peace and continued success, Liz
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Gorgeous piece filled with wonderful imagery and emotion. Your phrasing is impeccable and the flow excellent. Amazing use of assonance and consonance, the story was truly captivating. I loved this piece. Excellent work. Hugs, Bunny
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Simply gorgeous. The internal rhyme is beautiful, as I have come to expect, but what you did with the assonance/consonance in certain parts was astounding and multiplied the impact of the emotion by the repetition of a related sound. (Hope that makes sense--my way of saying there was a lot of excellence without pointing belaboring specifics, for sake of time.)Impressive, and so appealing.
Your imagery is wonderful, but the STORY, oh the STORY is simply moving. You speak of finding love, at a time when perhaps it seemed it could not longer even be hoped for, and such discovery completely changes the outlook on life. Magnificent theme, and so beautifully executed.
This was a nice addition to the villanelle. A nice touch, too, to add the couplet from the villanelle.
Enjoyed this free verse immensely!
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"Time makes rutted paths
moving sands a constant face,
ghosted grief surrounds our mounded shadows."
Can I just HUG you now? This stanza will stay with me for such a long time. Brilliant!
You have such a special talent at incorporating internal rhyme so naturally that if you weren't looking you'd miss it. A wonderful way to enhance meaning and flow in your work. Careful use of alliteration has also been noted here and it works beautifully.
"Unfolded love is in the next precious star that holds us in a glimmer from afar, and long ago - - "
Ahhhhh I sigh within the sweet perfume of your words in this one. Wow.
A unique and wonderful free verse that I would say make you quite a contender. You excel in the genre, no doubt. Wonderful poem my friend. ~Pamela
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Beautiful imagery. Superb description of epiphany of spirit "ebony night peels back to moments of purity, light amongst a sparkling sea that somehow finds but one set of eyes, one place suddenly ripe for feeling." The brilliant, unfolded insight that inspires flight, soaring of soul. Outstanding "even symbols of hope we behold have traveled vast seas over time before memory, to dispel shadows over our hearts, and light the way." An entire delight to read and reread. Thank you!
FREEVERSE
5/5 Understandability
5/5 Originality
4/5 Mirrors the story of the villanelle
5/5 Written as spoken language
5/5 Internal Rhyming used, and beneficially
5+/5 Assonance/Consonance, used and beneficially ( outstanding use of both)
5/5 Imagery used skillfully/beneficially
5/5 Emotion/Impact/General appeal
5/5 Line breaks done beneficially
5/5 Grammar and Punctuation
49/50 Total -
I love this. Eloquent, deep, and overflowing.
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This is an excellent sequel to your Villanelle. You expanded the theme adding new thoughts, new images and new points to be pondered. I liked it how you kept a line bounding the two poems. Different forms, one voice, wonderful verses
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Oh man, what a write, my friend. Your poetry simply knocks my socks off.
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I enjoyed this so much, it is softly written and philosophically thought out and has the unmistakable quality fo your strong hand. Love, C
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