What I've Been

In my life I have been many things...
I was her daughter
I was good, I was whole
I got sick
And I got big
Drugs that made me bloated
Irritable and awful
I know they made faces
I know they made mean comments
I can't remember swallowing
Anything but tears

I wanted to be a masseur
A chef
Weather predictor
I was Alex's true daughter
He didn't care a bit
So I was the other's step
And Dad loved me like he should
He told me fairy stories
That make me cry even now

I was a babydoll
A toy with no feelings
Spencer used me
The MAN who "loved" me
Abused me
I can't remember a time when I didn't have his face
Stuck in my head

I was a Catholic
Not really, just for school
They assumed I understood
And didn't care if I tried
And I did
I know I must have
I spent days, week, months
Imagining my death
A fall from the top of the stairs
Could I haunt them like my scars do me?

I've been a cutter
I am still really
The thought of my blood
Brings instant calm for me
I've been depressed
Had a thousand busy thoughts
Panic is nothing new
And neither is stress

I was a new girl
And I'm always always happy
Now I've settled in
And I know what to expect

I was a choir girl
Standing in a row
The girl in Chamber
Said I should join one day
And I thank her, because
I had a little faith in myself
After that
I've been in 5 choirs
And never have I enjoyed myself as much as when
My little Pixie Dust, was dying at my home
I was so excited just to be on stage
Bright lights in my eyes
I never get tired of it

I was a rabbit keeper
And they all died alone
I had a dog
Who turned frail and old

I prefer not to remember
All the other things I've been
This is enough for now