Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

momentum


today,
I vow to cut lies, especially
my lies,
folding shut the space
around lies

, as on the day when the butterfly landed on my
waving angry hand.

the butterfly lightly touched
and sat on my pointing index finger,
while I exclaimed my justifications
to a friend of the injustices placed
upon me by others

, those light yellow wings tore thru
my bloated monologue, as my friend
uttered at the sight, " see, it's
all alright."

the lump in my throat
grew
&fell out in tears thru the night.






 

 

"Look how he abused me and
beat me,
How he threw me down and robbed
me."
Live with such thoughts and you live
in hate.

"Look how he abused me and
beat me,
How he threw me down and robbed
me."
Abandon such thoughts, and live in
love.

  - Dhammapada
The Sayings of the Buddha
tr. by Thomas Byrom

Author notes

the "butterfly moment" occurred on June 17, 2008.
really.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • PrabhuDayal Khattar gold member
    September 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Humm..this is a piece to bring peace and the calmness around..touched by the words..well done..and thanks for sharing...

  • malmadre gold member
    August 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A beautiful moment that you describe, the floating comma distracts a bit, and I think that the use of the & is a fad due to texting. The thought behind your write is solid and the moment that you describe is precious.


  • Blue Rew silver member
    August 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    There's plenty here that I find holds my interest.
    The titling~great, the quote at end~nice touch
    and too the inclusion of symbolic peace in the
    butterfly. But there are several things about
    the write that distract me in the read too...
    You seem to do well with vocabulary overall, but
    then you "break the flow" with "thru" which
    should be through, using & instead of the word
    and then with no spacing between the symbol and
    the surrounding words. I see this as a sound piece
    of brevity that has been shadowed by too many
    unnecessary words. Examples: 'especially' used twice
    at the opening; 'butterfly' also repeated when it is
    obvious what you are referring to the second time.

    And here, I will give a specific line for example:
    "within that day, the lump in the throat" where
    that, the, the completely stalls the reader's flow.

    This moment is halted in its unfolding and thus
    the readers focus strays and the verse loses its
    chance of impact before the ending.

    I will change the line I used as an example above
    to demonstrate my suggestion of tightening-up:
    "the lump in my throat"

    'within that day' is removed because your
    following line states the "when" already.

    I hope you find this critique in the spirit it
    is offered: that of encouraging and constructive
    response. Reread with my response in mind and
    see if some of streamlining makes sense to you too.
    Blue

    • motel silver member
      August 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank you so much for your thoughtful comment.
      your critique is very helpful. I re-structured the last stanza and deleted the word "especially" from the third line of the poem.
      once again, thanks for the comment.
      it is great when fellow writers take the time to help others to cultivate their craft.
      thanks.

  • Sarah957
    August 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The butterfly was a great symbol of hope for a brighter future, that was really nice, and I loved the title that was fantastic. My suggestion is for this verse-

    the butterfly lightly touched
    and sat on my pointing index finger,
    while I exclaimed my justifications
    to a friend of the injustices placed
    upon me by others


    I think its repetative to say touched then sat.
    I would reword it a bit like this

    The butterfly landed lightly on my pointed index finger
    and sat patiently while I exlaimed my justifications to a friend of the injustices placed upon me by others

    I dunno, take it or leave it and its still an awesome poem, happy editing =)

  • stylization
    August 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I'm not sure I like the phrasing "all alright." With the beginnings of the words so similar, it makes it sound a bit odd. Perhaps "all okay," but that lends itself to a slightly more informal context. It's up to you. I'm not sure either that I get or like the commas at the beginnings of the stanzas - I don't se the point and it messes up the flow for me. But the words were well put together. Great write!

    • motel silver member
      August 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank you for your honest and generous comment.
      I don't like the phrase "all alright" either ... but that was actually what my friend said when the "butterfly moment" happened. the phrase was so not "proper english" in the least, but it was so dead-on ... it caused my gap.
      once again, thanks for the comment.

  • lowercase prelude gold member
    August 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this was great
    your emotions and word usage, everything - terrific


  • quantumsurveyor
    August 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Just for once I find that I can't tie in with either sets of words - just slightly baffled.

    • motel silver member
      August 8, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thank you for the comment.
      the tie is peace in the moment, the only peace anyone truly has. when I let go of my justifications of past wrongs, peace is achieved.
      once again, thanks for the comment.

  • toomysterious
    August 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Sometimes we just get stopped in our tracks. (How important is it any way?) Nature if we allow it can be a perfect tranquilizer, eliminating the need for drugs. Your poem is an excellent example of this.


  • piccola gold member
    August 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Not all that unlike the thoughts expressed in The Bible. Thoughts and sayings of Jesus. He was all about peace. Your write is beautiful, bringing about a feeling of peace.

  • PrabhuDayal Khattar gold member
    August 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Humm...relating with it itself is a realisation..a great thought by the thoughtful poet..wonderful indeed...

    . Rewarded 4


  • Riamh
    August 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    A beautiful read, well done!
1 - 14 of 14