I desired to perish
from this existence
that has proven
time and time again
I'm unwanted
my request to be gone
lasting all eternity
leaves me in the control
of one immortal
nothing more to do
I offer my soul
as well as my life
to the Prince of Darkness
let it blow your mind
all the hate
received from others
drove me to this choice
I never really had
pressure I never needed
made me make this choice
I tried so hard to fight
distress building
nerves breaking
stress evermore
then inquire why
I give my life away
no longer living
who had been rendered unwhole
as a little child
she was taken
and then forsaken
you will remember it all
let it blow your mind again
Author notes
inspired by the song Inside The Fire by Disturbed
A contest entry
- Calling All of Those Who Are DISTURBED by Re-invention.
600 points, ended September 18, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Indeed the poem is a great expression of the song. Very well chosen.The small metaphor you inflicted here are simple but great.
Like my friend said, you indeed jump from one line to another, perhaps is the way you want the reader to be riddled but you only make him confused. Puctuation is a great friend and enemy, learn how to not overpuctuate and use it wisely.
I noticed that in the ending you actually took half of the chorus and imprinted it on the write. It is not a bad thing for the song itself gets you driven to write it down the way it is, and besides I do that sometimes, but you could've made one line or two out of the song, not the half
....
you could've been more creative.
Nonetheless I have great merit for you
I adored these lines;
I desired to perish
from this existence
that has proven
time and time again
I'm unwanted
very powerful and selfinflicted into the reader and the writer. Nicely done and thanks for entering! -
I truly like this piece. The format you used adds the broken feel to it. You captured the song very well and did a good job in portraying the confusion, the darkness reigning. I like how you used 'Prince of Darkness' in here.. it adds that sort of human quality; great contrast against its meaning.
Now, I write a lot of poetry in this format and I understand the effect you are trying to have upon the readers, which did work, but there are a couple of places where there seems to be no transition, no type of bridge to guide one sentence, one emotion to the other.
Ex. "I never really had
pressure I never needed
made me make this choice"
For one it makes no sense, and two it would appear that you would make sense of it in the following lines, but you didn't, instead you jumped to something else (the following lines are very vivid and strong; love them btw). I think using capitals to mark a new line, or new idea/topic would do good. I think it'd make the poem stronger if you continued to use capitals in the places where you jump from one line not having to do with the other, or perhaps commas.
Ex."I desired to perish
from this existence
that has proven
time and time again
I'm unwanted
My request to be gone,
lasting all eternity
leaves me in the control
of one immortal,
nothing more to do"
Great ending, although, once again impeded by no transition, but it added a haunting touch to the poem as a whole. Good job and Good luck in the contest.
Fresa Salvaje
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